Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Futbol Commentary For Women

with 7 comments

Welcome to the International Soccer Jamboree that everyone else calls World Cup! I’m your host, George Clooney — and this is your soccer guide, David Beckham — and we’re just happy to take our shirts off in slow-motion while it rains.

Before the game begins, let’s get through these announcements, which are brought to you by Spanx and this award-winning jawline:

After a record number of fans lost their hearing — with a growing number slowly going insane — the popular vuvuzelas have been forever silenced with the assistance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. They’ve been replaced, however, with a remarkable product, the likes of which have never been seen. David, can you tell us a bit about this new miracle instrument?

Absolutely, George. First let me say that I love what the school is doing — terrific place, just terrific. And second, allow me to describe in great detail how my hairstyle was achieved today:  After multiple stylists dried my hair with the power of their own breath, it was swept upwards with a paste made from the tears of ethnic orphans living in poverty all over the world, and then professionally tousled for over two hours. This hairstyle is a statement to bring awareness to those orphans, wherever they may be.

It’s really excellent, David, superb. It looks both greasy and fashionable, as though you’d been lying in bed all day. But moving on…

George, the really great thing about these newer horns is the element of surprise. Normally when a vuvuzela is blown, a jolting sound comes out the other end that will ruin the equilibrium of the person standing in front of you, probably for life. Not so with this product. With these horns you never know what you’re going to get, but it’s always a silent surprise. Of the four I tested, one sprayed glitter into the stands; one shot flower petals ten feet in the air; one made bubbles the size of my head; and the last one gave me a dollar. Who knows what else they can do?

David, that sounds amazing. The female fans are going to love them. Do these new horns have a name?

Yes, they’re called bubivajaijais, and you can get them at any major retail store for under ten dollars — or as a gift with purchase of ten pounds of chocolate or more.

Excellent. Our next announcement should be filed under What Not To Wear — that’s a popular makeover show on American TV — or beneath a flashing banner that says “LADIES’ NIGHT!”

That’s right, George — due to an outpouring of support from the entire universe and surrounding solar systems, today’s game will be played without uniforms. The players are allowed their neon shoes, socks, shin guards, and boxer briefs; hair accoutrement will also be accepted. Any sign of shirt or shorts will result in a red card to the offending player.

This is a first, David, though certainly not the first request — American fans campaigned for this back in ’94, when the U.S. hosted the World Cup, but television networks objected to what they felt was inappropriate nudity.

Thanks to reality shows like The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives, and The Hills, television networks have had no choice but to support this controversial decision. When faced with their own no-quality programming that targets the lowest common denominator, their line of defense literally disappeared. I guess the naked show must go on.

Speaking of naked shows, David and I are delighted to announce today’s intermission, which is a no-holds-barred mud-wrestling match between Madonna and Lady Gaga. It’s anyone’s guess who will win this fight or if the fight is even fair — Madonna’s arms were just officially registered as deadly weapons, and Lady Gaga was recently declared a national performance art disaster of Haiti-like proportions.

George, I did see Lady Gaga earlier, beneath the stadium, getting her glittery nails sharpened into cocaine-shoveling claws by the cast of Where The Wild Things Are, so perhaps she’ll rise to the occasion.

She is truly a monster mascot, Dave, but my money’s on Madonna. Following the Madge-and-Gaga bloodbath, vampiric celebrity Twilight teens will be eaten by actual vampires on the soccer field, after running for their lives. I heard Ke$ha may be shredded to mincemeat as a surprise at the end — but I don’t want to get my hopes up.

That’s quite the encore, George — I really look forward to it.

It looks like the teams are taking the field — wow, the crowd is going insane — and thankfully, stadium security has increased its force by the hundreds, in order to control the Estrohem. For those of you new to the word, Estrohem is a scientific term that describes estrogen-induced mayhem at sporting events.

David, most soccer games are filled with kicking a soccer ball back and forth while moving down the field — also known as a pitch. What do professional futbol players call these highly-skilled moves?

George, those moves are called “running” and “passing.” At least 102% percent of this game will include one or both, sometimes at the same time. I’ll be here, for the viewers at home, to explain when one or both are happening, and what it could possibly lead to — though oftentimes, it leads to more running and passing.

And to complement David’s professional commentary, I’ll keep you updated on which futbol players are single, and we’ll rate the girlfriends or wives of the ones who are not throughout the game. As always, we’ll work hard to keep you interested by periodically stripping down to our bejewelled thongs and playing with our bubivajaijais.

Thanks for tuning in, and welcome to the World Cup!

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Written by sn0tteh

June 30, 2010 at 3:11 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

7 Responses

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  1. I love it, Bee. Just love it!

    LilRed

    July 1, 2010 at 7:19 AM

  2. Thanks, Red!

    sn0tteh

    July 1, 2010 at 8:45 AM

  3. Monstrous belly laughter from me, “Of Haiti-like proportions.”

    Nicki

    July 1, 2010 at 12:53 PM

  4. That line got me a few pointed emails, heh.

    sn0tteh

    July 1, 2010 at 1:04 PM

  5. Cute, if a bit over-scented with Essence of Queen de Drama.

    Within the context of the World Cup, what’s an “ethnic” orphan?

    Hit me with your best shot.

    ~ E.

    Ebrahim

    July 3, 2010 at 3:42 AM

  6. Clearly this is for WOMEN, as the title suggests. 🙂

    PS: An ethnic orphan at the World Cup is a non-white child, in David Beckham’s eyes.

    sn0tteh

    July 3, 2010 at 9:03 AM

  7. This really brings the song “Football-European Football-sexsi” to life. Thank you Bee and Parry Gripp.

    Auticia

    July 13, 2010 at 7:31 PM


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