Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Internal Adventures

with 6 comments

It’s amazing how much it hurts when people don’t like me. ‘YOU? How could someone not like YOU?’ my friends say jokingly. My only answer is: They know me. Or, in some cases, they only know one aspect of me; they’re holding onto stuff from the past; or they once liked me, but now the jury’s out. There are so many facets to not liking me, an entire book could be written. Maybe that’s the book I should be working on.

There are always opportunities for changing people’s minds, but I’m not going there. As I change and grow, maybe the people who hate me will, too, but it’s not my job to manage that; I have a hard enough time managing the good relationships that actually matter. I was stressing out this morning — why don’t you like me? when did this change? what can I do? — and realized I’M STRESSING OUT FOR NOTHING. I can’t make people like me any more than I could in middle school, which is to say I can’t; in seventh grade, I hung out with the Russian exchange student who couldn’t speak English for a reason.

If I start jumping through hoops or modifying my personality, just for the sake of being liked by people I’m still on the fence about, who am I really? I’m a 12-year old in a Canadian afterschool special that teaches me how to love myself. BORING.

What I usually do:

Stress out, worry, cry, eat, rage, complain, throw hands up, obsess (I’m currently obsessing!), overreact.

What I’m doing instead:

Meditate, write (I’m currently writing!), cry, think, process with the Esq, respond. Can’t get rid of the crying; I’m a natural weeper.

I am not who people think I am and I am exactly what people think I am. You can have your experience with me — good, bad, ugly — and decide on your own. I’m not who I was ten years ago, five years ago, one year ago; if I can’t learn and grow in that timeframe, then what’s the fucking point? If you haven’t grown since then, in your opinion of me or on your own life path, that’s your deal. I can’t be responsible for how people interpret or interact with me.

When I find out people don’t like me, I automatically go to the WHY. But do people really need a reason? And do those reasons need to be valid? No. Sometimes you just don’t like a bitch. I remember a girl that everyone loved — in that ‘Have you met–? OHMYGODYOU’REGOINGTOLOVEHER’ kind of way — and when we met, I was severely unimpressed. It seemed people liked her because she said crazy shit and blew people’s minds, but she barely uttered a word around me and seemed pretty aloof. When a mutual friend asked me what I didn’t like, my first reaction was to find a justified example of how horrid this girl was — or at least a funny story — which is ridiculous, because she didn’t really do anything to me. She just wasn’t my kind of person.

Maybe I’m not your kind of person, or I continually offend you, or I’m just not what you thought I would be; maybe I’m not meeting your expectations, which wouldn’t be the first time. My response to that is: COOL. Having an opinion is good; I’d rather someone definitively dislike me than be completely indecisive. I will continue to be loyal to my friends and those who support me in positive ways, and will put the energy vampires in the back pastures of my mind.

Two things I was reminded of in the past week:

1) There are no big deals. We just make everything into a big deal, and then overreact accordingly. I’m not saying there aren’t challenging life situations in varying degrees of ‘Holy Shit,’ but all we have control over is our response. My response is usually of the HOLY SHIT/BIG DEAL variety, but right now I’m okay. You don’t have to like me for me to experience happiness. (It’s like I dismembered and ate all the parts of my old Psychology professor.)

2) Nothing is forever, except for maybe nothingness. Maybe you’ll like me in the future, or read something you connect with; maybe your hatred becomes dislike which becomes complacency which becomes a shrug. I can handle a shrug, even if I prefer a hug. At least it’s not active hatred or complete apathy; those things are hard to combat. I can hold a grudge for years, but if growth is going to happen, I eventually have to let go at some point. There are more important things to do with my life.

The best thing for me to do is move forward without looking back, while keeping the door open. What more can I do, in the absence of telling my side of a story (not possible here) or an actual confrontation (not possible here) or writing about it as therapy (laughably not possible here)? I can move the fuck on. Maybe you weren’t meant to like me from the start.

Finally I can stop feeling like I’m supposed to feel guilty; I can stop walking around on eggshells when they aren’t my eggshells to begin with; I can quit participating when I’ve been so obviously left out; I can like you from a distance, while protecting myself. I can end feeling that frenetic push to do things that will make you like me, damnitalltofuck. I’m not going to say I don’t care, because that would be a lie. Sometimes it hurts like a Mack truck of heartache barreling through my aorta, but once it passes, I remember that I kinda like myself, and some other peeps do, too. Why do I need you to like me, when I’m already covered?

I’m so done with flagellating myself with “Where did I go wrong?”, as though answering that would help in any way. The only question I’m interested in now is “What’s next?” Adventures await, and I will rise to meet them.

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Written by sn0tteh

May 27, 2010 at 10:11 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

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6 Responses

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  1. You remind me so much of myself, post-painful-situations with friends. It’s refreshing to read someone else who has matured beyond the knee-jerk reaction of wanting to know whhhhyyyyyy and fix it whenever someone dislikes me. Anyway, thanks for writing out your internal adventures- it’s kind of cathartic for me to read it from someone else’s point of view!

    Beth

    May 27, 2010 at 10:28 PM

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Snotty McSnotterson, Beth Anderson. Beth Anderson said: Oh man, this post- she's channeling the things I've thought/learned/processed. https://sn0tty.wordpress.com/2010/05/27/internal-adventures/ […]

  3. i think that if someone doesn’t like you it’s becuase you hold little back and are pretty honest about everything in your life. many people can not do this let alone be honest about them selves. so buck up, give your cake baking, lovely samoan hugging self, a pat on the back. because after all, you are pretty awesome, and can make others laugh and still have a heart, yet also want to eliminate the stupid people, who wouldn’t love that??? i love you!

    jennywilson

    May 30, 2010 at 7:32 AM

  4. I could have written this, the sentiment, not as eloquently as you have written here. This is one time I can say I know exactly how you feel. It’s been my experience that when people decide they don’t like me for whatever reason, it is something they are lacking in themselves. It took me about 35 years to come up with, and I don’t always subscribe to it, but that is what I tell myself when the obsession creeps up on me. What is the alternative, not knowing anyone? I’ve tried that, it kind of blows when you wanna go out on a Saturday night at the last second. Trust me.
    One thing that is different now, than before, is that I have empowered myself to choose NOT TO LIKE THEM BACK! I was never that way before, but now I can. It sounds simple, but I tell you, to look a foe in the eye and say, “I CHOOSE NOT TO KNOW YOU ANYMORE” it is some serious take back the night shizz.

    Michelle Auer

    May 30, 2010 at 8:21 AM

  5. Thanks, Beth — good to know I’m not the only one (thought I hardly ever am).

    sn0tteh

    May 30, 2010 at 8:43 AM

  6. “serious take back the night shizz” will have me laughing all day. This is why everyone likes you. 🙂

    sn0tteh

    May 30, 2010 at 8:44 AM


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