Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Adventures of Vomiting Unicorn

with 2 comments

I’m still a monthly contributor over at This month’s theme was ‘Intoxication,’ so you know it’s good. New twist: it’s fiction!

By that I mean it’s Sherman Alexie fiction, i.e.; it’s based on real people and real conversations. But no, I’ve never crashed The Antiques Roadshow while drunk and high, in case you were wondering.

This is a good example of the short stories I’ve been working on lately, away from internet eyes. This one clocked in at 2551 words; I’m aiming for 3-5k on most of them. I was asked to help someone with a screenplay, so I’ve been doing a lot of dialogue-heavy pieces lately, mostly for practice, using our BFF as my muse. He’s the most perfect character to write, because in real life he’s the same: brash, offensive, hilarious, and filled with terrible (awesome!!!) ideas you want to execute anyways. I’ve decided to post them on the blog, after I rework them a bit; the title of this blog post is the name they’ll go under, since Vomiting Unicorn is one of his many monikers (and my personal favorite). You can find the story here.

Stories about intoxication are plentiful in the history of me. Some are hilarious, others tragic (I have a new hatred for this word, but hey, if the shoe fits); I know I’ve got some good – nay, great and fucking amazing – war stories that would make you react in all the right ways, but it seems weird to glorify that stuff. Extreme drunk swimming, snorting coke with Twizzler sticks, The Acid Trip That Would Not End: I could make these stories funny, and you might have a laugh. But there’s also the other side, which includes stuff like rape and physical abuse and being without a home. You know, Really-Real Shit. The consequences. Doesn’t seem fun to write about, and that’s what I like most about writing: it’s fun. Plus, those stories are from Way Back – like, hours ago – and that’s not my life anymore.

Coke is so retro – a word I fucking despise – and being into the 80’s, even ironically, just isn’t en vogue anymore. And acid seems really age-specific; that boat sailed 14 years ago for me. Honestly, I’d rather buy French pastries and watch Arrested Development. Replacement addictions for the win!

Drunk swimming, by the way, takes Herculean effort; I liken it to being in quicksand. It didn’t help that my two main goals were to keep my drink above water in one hand while holding a cigarette in the other. In the middle of a lake. Drunk people are idiots.


2 Responses

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  1. That sounds like a waste of good Twizzlers to me.


    April 26, 2010 at 6:47 AM

  2. Well it’s not like I didn’t eat them after they’d outlived their usefulness.


    April 26, 2010 at 9:29 AM

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