Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Stilettos in 2010

with 4 comments

Imagine you’re a drug dealer.

First off, you live in Colombia – it’s balmy this time of year, and that’s where drug dealers live. If you’re a smart dealer, you build a hand-crafted semi-submersible in your coastal jungle camp from fiberglass and wood, which is the preferred method of delivering 1/3 of U.S.-bound cocaine through the Pacific. How do you know about submarine engineering? You’re a drug dealer – naturally you have an iPhone. So that’s how you learn – from the internet – in between charging your battery every ninety minutes.

Okay, so now you have a 60-foot long semi-sub that can carry seven metric tons of cocaine – yes, tons – about 3,000 miles without refueling – yes, three thousand – which will yield anywhere from 30 to 100 million dollars. And that’s probably not your only sub – last year, 11 subs were caught (YAY!) but 60 subs delivered (YAYO!), so the risks are fairly low. Aren’t you glad you skipped college and bought that iPhone and built that sub and paid some guy to ferry your candycaine? The semi-subs are designed for stealth and distance, as well as being undetected visually and by radar. You can drive one into the bay or port for a drop-off because the Coast Guard, police and Navy boats are too big to follow. It’s a win-win for everyone. Hurray, smart drug dealers!

Try wearing this stiletto.

Meet the M80 Stiletto. It is 88 feet long, 40 feet wide, can hold up to 60 tons, and is shaped like a prototype one might see at a Star Wars convention; it was built as an operational experiment for The Pentagon’s Office of Force Transformation. Despite its size and weight, the Stiletto produces a smooth, fast ride at 50 knots (90 km/h), lowering the G-force impact on its Navy SEAL passengers thanks to a carbon-fiber composite which yields a very light but strong hull. This hull provides a stable and fast platform for mounting electronic surveillance equipment or weapons – in the war against drugs, for example. Your drugs.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘A Navy vessel that’s wider and heavier than any of our subs? Good luck finding us in shallow water.’ I should have mentioned that it’s wider, heavier, faster, and smarter than any of your subs, because this one has a draft of 2.5 feet – meaning it can glide across waters that are less than three feet deep, and the bitch can actually beach. If, for some reason, the ship can’t reach you, it has a giant ramp that can launch and recover an 11-meter inflatable boat or an Autonomous Underwater Vehicle; they can get you on the water and underwater. Do you see what’s happening here? Your thriving business is in trouble.

Now imagine you’re sitting on top of your boat or sub, in very shallow waters, awaiting the universal drug dealer signal – perhaps an ominous text that says ‘the eagle flies at midnight’ or flashing lights from a darkened dock. All of a sudden, you see this enormous beast behind you, launching a smaller, faster boat in your direction with scary ninja-SEALS inside. Holy fucking frightening, Batman! That’s a lot of drug dealer poop in just one little dinghy.

All I want this year is to ride Stiletto like an ocean beast that I tamed with my own two hands. I will stand atop her in a Peter Pan-like stance, gliding silently along the water down into the briny deep. There I will take a meeting with the whales, and we will save those Taiji dolphins in that goddamn fucking Cove. They will name me Ocean Mother, and the sea creatures will do my watery bidding. For obvious reasons, we’ll eat Paul Watson.

This is one of two tangible goals I’ve made for 2010. The other one is to beat the Esq in The Settlers of Catan. Or really any game at all. You know what I hate most about playing against him? …I mean besides him always winning. It’s what a sore loser I am. Oh, I can admit it: I’m a giant losey loserface when he beats me, which is always. “Babe, you beat me at Dr. Mario two nights ago,” he’ll say whilst cloaked in the heady glow of Win. Yes, I won. I won one game out of eight hundred attempts, and that was just this week. “You’re really good, the best I’ve ever played against,” he’ll lie through his glowing, winsome lips. “You just don’t understand, because you’ve never played against someone like you! It’s horrible! You’re ruthless! I HATE IT!” I’ll cry, slamming our bedroom door, though not hard because we just painted the trim around it. Hey, it’s hard losing to such a smug and arrogant bastard – though I say that with a little bit of pride, too. I guess he’s my smug and arrogant bastard. Squee.

The first rule of blogging is BE CONSISTENT, but you know I defy convention. I think the first rule of blogging should be ‘Eat breakfast before every meal,’ but that hasn’t caught on yet. My tangible goal for January is to write every day this month, which should be fairly easy – I owe a bunch of blog posts to my Hugo House donators and they’re all written –  or in some cases, drawn (ooh!) – but I just haven’t posted them because that nasty depression I battled this fall/winter convinced me I sucked at writing and I figured everyone would hate! hate! hate! Now I don’t care – if you hate your blog post, I still got your money. Practicality won out over self-consciousness.

I’m still a monthly contributor over at 30pov.com, and here’s last month’s post about the day I died. It’s an extension of a short blog post I wrote a long time ago, and it’s not quite what I wanted it to be – but I was in a hurry (it was Christmas Eve!) and whatever, it’s in the past. This month’s theme is ‘Awakenings’ (so New Age), and I want to write something different. What should I write about? Besides Yanni and soy milk.

So we’re totally moved and it’s better than Ezra. Though it’s amazing how quickly one goes from ‘We have a downstairs now!’ to ‘I can’t get it – it’s all the way downstairs.’ Seven days, in fact. That’s how long it took.

I’m out of my boot and into real shoes. 2010 rocks already.

[Update: I beat the Esq + Joshy at The Settlers of Catan – ninety minutes after posting this. Dreams do come true! Taste the rainbow!]

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Written by sn0tteh

January 16, 2010 at 2:33 AM

4 Responses

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  1. That is freakin’ AWESOME. I especially loved the image of you standing Peter Pan-style atop the monster shown above, with sea spray and waves, and an evil laugh on your lips.

    Carrie Gunn

    January 16, 2010 at 9:37 PM

  2. @Carrie My laugh isn’t evil! It’s diabolical. There’s a difference.

    sn0tteh

    January 17, 2010 at 9:56 AM

  3. i am looking forward to seeing more of you in 2010. glad you beat esq at catan! woot. i love you and hope this year is good for both of us because lets face it. last year was shit.
    xoxoxo

    mafiamama

    January 17, 2010 at 9:44 PM

  4. @mm 2009 was super crazy ass shit. I’m so relieved it’s over.

    sn0tteh

    January 17, 2010 at 10:09 PM


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