Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Twitterhated

with 10 comments

From the mailbag:

Hey Snotty,

I’m a lurker who doesn’t comment (sorry!), but I do have two questions: Twitter? REALLY?

I enjoy your blog but I’m not a fan of Twitter, I just don’t get it. Full disclosure: I’m not actually on Twitter. But I know you love it, so as someone who uses it more than anyone I sort-of know, can you explain what I’m missing out on?

Thanks,
Twitterhater

Hey, Twitterhater – I just made up that name for you. Whereas I’m twitterpated, you’re twitterhated. I thought you might enjoy a play on words before discussing your inability to try new things without judging them first. Ohhh, I kid – it’s an honor to take grown, bewildered humans by the hand and walk them through this social networking service, on my own time and free of charge. Here’s my question for you: how do you not ‘get’ something that you’ve never actually tried? If we were talking about a new amphibious  species found in the wilds of Papua New Guinea, I’d forgive the information gaps, but Twitter is seriously everywhere – it’s easy to look up what you’re missing out on. You at least found this blog on the internet, so you probably have a search bar on your browser, which will take you to a magical land called Wikipedia, where the Twitter information pages are grass-fed and condensed education roams free!  Don’t worry – I’m only slightly kidding.

I love Twitter. The minute I understood how I was going to use it – because everyone has a different purpose, like little Twitter snowflakes – I fell in crazy, Supertramp love. It’s like I woke up one day and spoke another language, understood by people with ADHD and 24-hour news addicts.  Enter the celebrities, the comedians, every blogger you’ve ever loved, and bacon… it’s the slumber party you’ve always wanted, minus the marketing whores, the actual whores, and the unconvincing whorebots.

Twitter is a dream, a distraction – a curious oddity. It’s an addiction to information and attention, to the sound of your own electronic voice; it’s a one-way shag that feels confusing first, exhilarating later. I’ve heard all of the negativity and security-based concerns; I care more about fiduciary duty conflict, and I don’t even know what that means.  People play Bejeweled on their iPhones, kill zombies in multi-player games on XBoxLive, and nurture their Facebook accounts, all day long; that’s what Twitter is to me. It’s a toy, a game – something fun I like to do. I don’t understand why people get so worked up about Twitter and how it’s the downfall of humanity. That’s ludicrous! The downfall of humanity was when Sarah Palin wrote a book celebrating her failed attempts at government leadership. Though my vote goes to the time when Ross and Rachel were “on a break.”

In answer to your questions: Twitter! REALLY!

I don’t know if I’m using Twitter ‘correctly,’ but that doesn’t really bother me. My main goals with Twitter are to 1) amuse myself, 2) keep my blog readers current, and 3) share interesting information that is hardly ever useful. Some people use it for business, others create new identities – the sky’s the limit, but the limit is 140 characters. I’m a wordy windbag, but I appreciate parameters; it’s better to choose your words carefully than run your mouth like Chatty Cathy.

What are you missing out on, Twitterhater? My tweets, of course. I comment on current events, post conversations with the monster, test out punchline material, link to wacky or wicked stuff, make random observations, and complain about Twilight. Here’s a list of past Twitter dandies that will catch you up, and make your stunted heart melt like the Joker’s face in Batman.

[Kiddo: “Has China taken over the world yet?” Me: Yes. Kiddo: “What’s next?” Me: Learn Chinese. Kiddo: “But we aren’t smart enough!”]

[Blue hair, check. Sailor Moon costume, check. Tiny panda backpack, check. Did you even have to ask if she was Japanese? My bus stop rocks.]

[Snotty McSnotterson is powered by: http://twitpic.com/4kpw2]

[Sometimes my life is just one giant afterschool special of What Not To Do.]

[Headline: “New Moon is HUGE in Germany!” Let us not forget that Germany also loved David Hasselhoff.]

[“These taste like carrots!” says my friend enthusiastically. They’re carrots.]

[I hate it when people use an old phrase as though it were new again, Mrs. All That & A Bag of Chips and Mr. Talk To The Hand.]

[I’m in a theological debate w/ someone where all the analogies and parables are Star Wars-related. Hello, my name is Winner.]

[I just keep watching this on repeat and laughing my silly face off: http://tr.im/m7ZQ]

[Drunk guy on bus: You haven’t found JESUS yet? Who’s holding you back, girl? Me: Um… Science, actually.]

[Good tweeters with super long names make retweeting their awesomeness a mathematical nightmare. Jerks.]

[Auntie Mame 1, real-life aunts 0]

[The SnugWow will happen someday, people: one part Snuggie, one part ShamWow. America is awesome!]

[I think what’s missing from most weddings is a gigantic panda head: http://is.gd/30b7I]

[There’s a “Twilight”-themed cruise departing from Seattle, which means even more pasty emo douchebags w/ no sense of humor wandering around.]

[My friend brought tofurkey to my house. I don’t know how to politely ask him to leave.]

[A plea for a new generation of Republicans (hear, hear): http://is.gd/39yna]

[I couldn’t find “Truck Nuts” because I spelled it with an S, instead of the Mesoamerican way, with a Z. TruckNutz.]

[Friend: Don’t you get tired of yourself sometimes? Me: Constantly.]

[From a personal ad: ‘Fan of: Sexual Intercourse, Painting Miniatures, World of Warcraft.’ One of these things does not belong.]

[The kiddo was talking about Nazi history and referred to the gestapo as ‘gazpacho.’ You know, the secretive tomato-based soup.]

[I just became the mayor of Heaven on @foursquare! http://is.gd/4uDaE]

[Me to the bride: “Unless you own a Delorean & a flux capacitor that sends you on a perilous journey back to the future, you’ve got time.”]

[Kiddo: I wanna listen to Korn. Me: Why don’t you just shoot me in the face?]

[Preview for New Moon was hilarious. Edward: “This is the last time you will ever see me.” If only that were remotely true.]

[Hello, did I surprise you? http://is.gd/4UYlJ]

[Life is better with fries. And if those fries are covered in gravy and called some fancy French word, all the better.]

[Some days it’s like I’m clawing my way towards the lower middle class. Good ol’ futility.]

[Great line: “Neither he nor Gob were prepared for the challenges of using cats to catch a seal.” #ArrestedDevelopment]

Twitter, I love you 140 ways – even your stupid ass Fail Whale. Twitterhater, I hope you have a better understanding for how useless and interesting Twitter can be. Tweet you guys later.

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Written by sn0tteh

November 29, 2009 at 10:42 PM

10 Responses

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  1. So it’s not my imagination. Twitter *is* obsessed with bacon!

    Kefaustin

    November 30, 2009 at 1:13 AM

  2. I wasn’t sure I’d like Twitter when I first signed up for it, but yeah. I like it.

    Badass Geek

    November 30, 2009 at 8:52 AM

  3. @Kefaustin I can’t speak for Twitter, but I know *I’M* obsessed with bacon. 🙂

    sn0tteh

    November 30, 2009 at 9:18 AM

  4. @Badass Geek I like that you’re on it!

    sn0tteh

    November 30, 2009 at 9:18 AM

  5. mmm… bacon… oh. Sorry, i was off on a little bacon-dreaming there.

    I too fell into Twitter with delight – and though i try to limit my addiction so i can also have an outside life (or at least get the washing up done), it’s a wonderful part of that life. (in only a few months.) And facebook, myspace, etc, NEVER got in to be a part of my life.

    For it has all the best aspects of the web (and yes, some of the worst spammiest porn bits too), in the sense of people all over the world, reaching out to each other, and laughing at each others’ jokes.

    stinginthetail

    November 30, 2009 at 3:36 PM

  6. @stinginthetail “Limiting the addiction” would be the hardest part. 🙂

    sn0tteh

    November 30, 2009 at 3:43 PM

  7. FAIL WHALE!

    stephy

    December 1, 2009 at 9:46 AM

  8. @stephy The Fail Whale and I are good buddies now. We see each other on a regular basis.

    sn0tteh

    December 1, 2009 at 10:05 AM

  9. Call me a Twitterhater I guess, I haven’t signed up yet and have no plans to do so. Although it does seem amusing.

    Manthony

    December 1, 2009 at 1:53 PM

  10. @anthony Twitterhater. 🙂 It’s not for everyone, but at least you aren’t saying you hate it when you haven’t tried it. I like understanding something first before writing it off.

    sn0tteh

    December 1, 2009 at 1:59 PM


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