Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Life Math

with 2 comments

The Esq used to be some type of mathematical god – this is where he rolls his eyes and pompously says “not exactly” – but compared to my numerical failures, he was practically Fermat. I know that you’re thinking, ‘What the hell is she talking about? Fermat? But Snotty, Fermat’s greatest ideas were in the area of number theory, the purest of mathematics and a subject which has virtually no practical applications!’ Point taken, math nerds and 40-year old virgins. He was no Isaac Newton or Alexander Grothendieck, but he was brilliant and aggravating and mischievous and awesome, just like my boyfriend.

This Fermat-shaped love of mine has an easy time with numbers, with logic and reason, and basically everything else I don’t understand that involves critical thinking. But I’m still better at Life Math – like how to turn ten bucks into a weekend of shows, multiple food outings, an IMAX movie, and a cute outfit. I’m sure you could figure this out algebraically, or just spend ten dollars on diapers for the baby, but you know that baby wants you to see Britney in concert and get yo drink on. Life Math includes the starting and stopping of time, too, ie; getting up ten minutes before you have to be there and yet making it with room to spare. I can also juggle unpaid bills – while keeping all of my services on – for record amounts of time, though that luck ran out with my beloved phone two months ago.  Now, instead of getting an expensive new phone I can’t really afford, I’m working on my telepathy skills. I’d love some help or support in this, but the Esq – much like every penis on this planet – cannot read my mind, no matter how much I think he should. I still feel like this is his fault somehow – but like he says, I can’t prove it in court. When telepathy fails – and wow, does it ever – I use parchment paper and an owl, aka my ‘magical familiar.’ Yes, like Harry Potter. YES, I’M A WINNER.

Even with all of his natural whiz-kid knowledge, Life Math is still an enigma to my sweetheart. When it’s 9pm and there’s a list of things to do before an 8am wake-up call – video games, shower, dishes, sex, blogging, packing, baking, sleep – he will still say we have time for everything, but this procrastinator knows better. The dishes are put off until the weekend, showering becomes more of a whore’s bath, blogging turns into lackluster tweets, packing and baking can be done in the morning, and we totally agree to Do It Later – except no, we won’t, because there are video games to be played and he’s just one dragon – no, two levels – wait, four hundred miles from the next checkpoint. I’ve navigated this battlefield before. The video game I play the most? Diminishing the Levels of Gameplay In My Home. I spectacularly lose, every time.

You’d think a video game enthusiast would approach a woman as The Ultimate Video Game, but think again. A vagina can’t successfully lead you through the Mines of Moria in Lord of the Rings Online; it can’t speed up ArenaNet’s slow-going development of the highly-anticipated(-in-this-house) Guild Wars 2; it has no ammo against The Tank in Left 4 Dead; nor is it needed for the secret gay sex scene in Dragon Age: Origins, which the Esq is currently playing. He knows I kid – I’m just in love with a geek. Dwarfs, dragons, mind-destroying pathogens, and secret gay sex scenes are just a part of the package.

I think I’m going to make him a t-shirt that says:  LOVE ME, LOVE MY MMORPG. Or something like, ‘I Was a Math Genius in Primary School and All I Got Was This Whiny Girlfriend.’ Volunteers are standing by, so place your orders now before we’re all sold out!

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Written by sn0tteh

November 28, 2009 at 1:03 PM

2 Responses

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  1. Interestingly, or not interestingly, Fermat’s last theorem wasn’t proven till 1995.

    matthew thompson

    November 28, 2009 at 5:58 PM

  2. Totally interesting! That’s why I like him the best. So brilliant, and funny, too.

    sn0tteh

    November 28, 2009 at 6:31 PM


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