Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Wanted: Funny Bone Wrangler

with 10 comments


For some strange reason – perhaps it’s my super hot ass or upbeat personality – I’ve been asked out/hit on more than normal this last month, and ‘normal’ usually equals ‘none.’ This is only interesting to me because 1) I’ve been feeling like shit on a stick (read: not feeling all that approachable or pretty) so I assume they all live in the same sensory deprivation tank, and 2) the Esq has this intense, specific-to-me-and-other-dudes face that I find adorable – something like the fiery-tailed Scorpio in him boiling to the surface, only to be replaced with a stoic mask of raised eyebrows and a drawn out ‘Reeeeeeeallyyy.’ It’s imperceptible to others, but he can’t fool me; his eyes change color in a flash to dark gray when he’s jealous or bothered by human emotions. I unabashedly love me a possessive wizard.

I was randomly asked out by two separate people who didn’t know I was taken – then another person asked if I was seeing anyone – and a cute girl told me she wished I was single (though you’d think she would hope I was a lesbian first) – plus I had two… proposals of sorts, from Seattle-based people trying to hook me up with one of their friends ‘who I would totally dig.’ Then I received two links to online personal ads from total strangers, but it wasn’t spam; they were blog readers unfamiliar with the Esq’s existence. How is that even possible?

Is this dating karma coming from the people I’ve unsuccessfully set up this year, of which there were many? Or did the Esq say he was dumping me on Twitter, and I missed it? I think it just means I fucking ROCK, that’s what.

I clicked on the Lovelab ads that were personally selected for already-has-a-boyfriend me, and immediately wondered if I have a type. The two profiles were intellectually identical, equally funny, and had a very Seattle look about them:  beards, glasses, and beat-up shoes. Other uniforms I’ve seen in Seattle include:  glasses, black clothing, World of Warcraft t-shirt, ugly brown shoes (programmers); khakis, hiking boots, REI jacket, GPS device (outdoorsmen); KEXP t-shirt, wool hat, hoodie, ripped jeans, iPhone (indie snobs); plaid button-down, blue jeans, loafers, Columbia windbreaker (dads, law students); shiny shirt, gold necklace, sunglasses at night, white pants after Labor Day (players); tattoos, cowboy boots, lamb chop sideburns, permanent cigarette (rockabilly boys); and all-day pajamas (me). There are more, but these are the dudes I run into on a regular basis. Pondering who I might be interested in now – fueled by a friend signing up for Lovelab – led me to an afternoon of perusing the personals, which. was. awesome.

I found out that I do have a type, and he can be described as clever, nerdy, and hilarious – or some variation of all three. The photos didn’t really fuel my interest – except for the guy dressed like French toast (being covered in equal parts butter and syrup is a dating requirement for me) – which was no big surprise. Sure, I like attractive men, but looks have nothing to do with character, values, or dating compatibility. For me, chemistry and attraction comes from big laughs, bigger words, congruous personalities, and a shared love for pig in all its edible forms. The guys I’ve dated who were all about fitness (thankfully, not many – I’m more Joan, less Peggy), looking good, maintaining their physique, Bein’ All Manly An’ Shit, didn’t last long because they bored me to tears. The size of a bicep really does nothing for a conversation, though I’m not immune to them. They’re just second-to-last on my list of things I like about men. In last place: Sarah Palin fans.

French Toast Dude was my #2. Had I the money, I would sign up for an account today and message him just to see if he’d consider being friends – if you know him, could you pass along the message that his future BFF is trying to fulfill his destiny? When describing himself, he said “…much like salt enhances the other flavors in a dish, I will make your conversations funnier. Also like salt: I can lower the freezing point of water, and be thrown over one’s shoulder for luck.” See, that’s the kind of friend I need: the kind who uses condiments to make a good point and/or appreciates salt in the same manner I do. When asked, ‘What is something that people are surprised to find out about you?’ he replied: I’m not vegetarian. I do tend to get along with them pretty well, but that’s more something that I’M surprised by. I feel the same, soul mate!

My favorite Lovelab answers:

I want to make a t-shirt that says

-I survived Everett

-Eat a bag of Dick’s

-I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive! I am Not obsessive!

-Designated a Driver

-I’ll make weapons for my imperfections

One sport I will never get is

-all of them.

-Segway polo.


-the one with the ball.

Something I learned from the last person I dated is

-being conservative is for Republicans.

-Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

-some people just can’t roll their R’s.


When I die, I believe I will go

-into an urn.


-to Fraggle Rock.

-into a giant statue that will be built around my corpse. This statue will have me in a heroic pose holding a giant sword while chainmail bikini clad bitches worship at my feet.

I consider myself an open-minded person, but my deal breakers are ______ and _______.

-situational and context sensitive

-no sense of humor and people who can’t watch subtitled movies because they’d have to read

-truth editors and revisionist historians

-fire and being on fire

-one-sided relationships and clown paraphernalia in bed

What bands do you always find yourself talking shit about?


-For starters Aerosmith, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the Foo Fighters, who I believe are all secretly the same band.

-Wilco (the band) just released Wilco (The Album), which has a song called “Wilco (The Song)” – surely that is fair game, right?

For delicious results, add one part _______ and one part _______.

-Hoefler and Frere-Jones.

-Bacon and something that isn’t bacon.

-tuxedo t-shirt and dance party.

-Alien and Predator.

In third place was this beardy, glasses-toting, beat-up shoe-wearing Seattleite, because of this:

COOLNESS – I’m not cool.

And this:

ART – I like to draw. But mostly letters. With curves. With a mouse.

And, of course, this:

SLEEP – I want to make a bed in life-size likeness of Totoro lying on his back, complete with slow breathing motion action. I think his belly should be made of TempurPedic material.

Um, YEAH. Add to that 1) rambling, 2) mumbling, and 3) liking the word ‘Germanic’ for no apparent reason, and you’ve got a pretty good match for me. Also, he’s got some kind of photographic oral fixation (he’s got something in his mouth in 4/5 photos), which I totally approve of. Bonus points for the ice cream cameo.

There were some interesting guys out there, but none of them compared to the Esq – who, by the way, agreed to answer some Lovelab questions in a future blog post, for nothing more than a curious hoot. Stay tuned.


Written by sn0tteh

November 23, 2009 at 5:49 PM

10 Responses

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  1. hehe. one of those dudes messaged me yesterday! should I see if I can lure him in and introduce you?


    November 23, 2009 at 11:35 PM

  2. Ask and I shall receive. Nice!


    November 24, 2009 at 5:58 AM

  3. lovely! i have been looking at CL just for meaningless sex. slim pickin’s out there i tell ya. are there any lesbians in seattle that aren’t straight or bi-sexual….jesus h christ. i want an old school, hasn’t had a dick in 10 years type gal, and not some boi dyke. heh.

    mafia mama

    November 24, 2009 at 10:35 AM

  4. Oh, the old “hasn’t had a dick in 10 years” characteristic. I’m sure they’re out there, looking for you!


    November 24, 2009 at 10:55 AM

  5. *Staying tuned-in per your arm twisting. Better known as; addicted to your clever, nerdy and FUCKING hilarious posts.*


    November 24, 2009 at 12:17 PM

  6. @nICKI At least your addiction is treatable by none other than: ME! ❤


    November 24, 2009 at 12:33 PM

  7. Um. I totally know #2! I also need a tee shirt that says I survived Everett. Seriously.


    November 24, 2009 at 4:39 PM

  8. @Amie AWESOME! How does #2 feel about polyamory? (Kidding, Mom.)


    November 25, 2009 at 2:12 PM

  9. You know, I decided to make my profile invisible for a while, in an attempt to meddle with supply to drive up demand, but then I thought “what about that nice blogger’s links?”, so, it’s visible again; thanks for the kind words.


    November 29, 2009 at 3:25 AM

  10. @InLikeMe I’m pretty sure this is the first time anyone has called me a “nice blogger,” so thanks for that. 🙂 I hope all of my sane girlfriends click on your link, of which there are two.


    November 29, 2009 at 8:17 AM

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