Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

It’s All For Me

with 11 comments

Apparently the people in my life have never heard the phrase “I don’t have any money,” because they’ve all been really weird when it comes to our living situation. We don’t really have A Situation – not yet, anyway – but I’m preparing for it, just in case. When discussing what we might do or where we might go – if the ‘just in case’ scenario comes up – our friends have been less than helpful, wrinkling up their faces in an attempt to see us anywhere else and citing obvious obstacles that get worse the more we talk.

I say: “We’re thinking about downsizing to a smaller apartment.”


-But it’s smaller!

-But you love your apartment!

-But all of your friends live there!

-You guys will kill each other!

-You won’t have any privacy!

-But your apartment is so cute!

-Where will you put your stuff?

-Where will you put your son?

-But you would have to move!

Thank you for pointing out the obvious:  Yes, a smaller apartment really will be smaller! Yes, if we move that means we’ll actually have to move! Yes, I love my apartment and all the people who live here, but – historically speaking – loving things doesn’t pay the rent. And I don’t know when ‘downsizing’ started being interpreted as ‘the square footage of your home will make your son get shingles,’ but that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

I say: “We’re pondering a roommate situation.”


-But you’re a couple!

-Good roommates are so hard to find.

-You’ll end up killing each other!

-It’s not worth the money you’ll save.

-You’re insane!

-But your roommate(s) could turn out to be psycho!

-But you love having your own space!

Hey! We’re a couple! So glad someone pointed that out to me, otherwise my confusion around living with this man for the past two years would have gone right over my head. When someone says, “But you love having your own space!” – like I didn’t actually know that – it makes me wonder how they connect things in their brain. It’s not like I’m denying myself something I love out of a lack of self-awareness; I’M FUCKING BROKE. Why don’t people understand that? Are we the only people affected in America by unemployment, recession, small business start-up issues and a general cash-flow problem? Believe me, a roommate situation is better than living with my parents at the age of 33, but not by much.

I say: “We’re moving to Europe.”


What about all the Europeans?!

-But everyone there is so… European.

-But they hate America! And Americans!

-I hear it’s really expensive.



-That’s ridiculous, you’re Americans.

-Do you speak a lot of languages?

-But what would you do?

-The Europeans will all hate you!

-Good luck with the Europeans (eyeroll).

Let me start with this: every anti-European comment was said, with great conviction, by five different people who have never been to Europe. Biased much? Racist much? Sheltered much? Another newsflash: Europeans hate America for reasons I find all-too-easy to agree with, and my ideas about how a country should be run are all tried-and-tested across the pond. It’s Americans who blindly love Sarah Palin and think she’s on the right side of freedom, Americans who think Iraq had anything to do with 9/11, Americans who automatically think gay men are pedophiles, Americans who want to solve everything with war, corruption and greed, Americans who compare President Obama to Hitler (Hitler-Hitler, yeah we’re talking about the same guy), Americans who want health care but for some reason want to keep dying on a regular, unnecessary basis; it’s Americans that I’m at war with, every single day. Their so-called thinking, their prejudices, their fears about change, their love of Fox News. What the fuck? I don’t want to live in a country whose ideals barely match my own. I want an adventure, and maybe some universal health care. That being said, moving to Europe will cost more than funding a trip to Mars, so at the moment it’s on the backburner.

Frustration abounds; of course I don’t want to move, but when I say “Money! Poof! Gone!” I’m not exaggerating. That’s the lame part about moving: it costs more to move than it does to stay put. It will get figured out – I’m just exploring all kinds of solutions, thinking out of the box – but I guess we’ll be figuring it out alone. People use me all the time as a sounding board – they want advice, they need help deconstructing a problem, they want someone to listen – and I do it. But when I need help, I’m told that I’m insane, we’ll kill each other, and the Europeans will hate us. You know, I wasn’t asking for real solutions – I was just hoping someone would hear me. The crushing weight of debt and an uncertain future isn’t something I take lightly, so I was surprised by the responses; I was hoping for something that looked more like supportive friendship or a clean ear for listening. Next time – there is always a next time – I’ll let go of my expectations. Besides, the Esq and I are on the same page: it doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we’re together. Which is sweet, but when we’re living in an alley downtown I’ll probably revise that statement.

My mother’s new motto is ‘IT’S ALL FOR ME!’ Meaning good, bad, ugly, weird – it’s for me to do with what I will. I love this statement, and also fucking hate it. This is just one of those moments I have to scream it into the earth and the skies and the oceans and my pillow, and then get into solution. This is all for me. Everything is a learning experience, damn it all to Hell.


Written by sn0tteh

September 28, 2009 at 9:37 AM

11 Responses

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  1. Wow. That feedback is kind of surprising. I would expect at least some of your friends would preface that with “You need to do what you need to do…but” (not that you weren’t already aware of ALL the things they mentioned).

    Maybe instead of a permanent roommate – renting couch space to travelers might offer some incoming $$ without committing to long-term visitors?

    Hmm. I’m brainstorming now. POSITIVELY, I might add!


    September 28, 2009 at 9:58 AM

  2. @posiegirl That’s an interesting idea – and I appreciate your positive musings!


    September 28, 2009 at 10:01 AM

  3. Pray to the great Butter God and he/she shall provide.


    September 28, 2009 at 10:14 AM

  4. @Manthony But I’m not a Native! The Great Butter God only provides for you people!


    September 28, 2009 at 10:34 AM

  5. kiddo, I’m sorry you have to face this kind of decision making right now. in one word, it’s frightening. making these kinds of commitments under duress usually is…

    i’m here to help move, if you have to – fwiw.


    September 28, 2009 at 3:23 PM

  6. I think you should find a smaller apartment to share with a roommate in europe!


    September 28, 2009 at 3:37 PM

  7. @Mark Thanks, Bennanerammadingdong. That was the textbook answer I was looking for 🙂 (No, really.) Someday we’ll actually see each other, and I hope it’s not when I need help moving!


    September 28, 2009 at 4:45 PM

  8. @Joan! Good idea. I’m so in.


    September 28, 2009 at 4:45 PM

  9. i AM living with my parents… and at 34!!! if you figure out how to make it to europe whilst broke, let me know. i’m down.


    September 29, 2009 at 8:04 AM

  10. @Matt I think you’re going to be our new roommate in Europe!


    September 29, 2009 at 8:10 AM

  11. We rent out rooms in our house to save money. It’s awesome. We always seem to find the right people who “get” us.

    Jen Zug

    October 9, 2009 at 8:39 AM

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