Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

When Failure = Fun

with 2 comments

There’s an electrifying moment when you meet someone special – sensing them, seeing them; eyes meet, then lower. Hearts race. The brain scrambles to catch up, tells you to keep your cool. You become the best version of yourself, glowing in places that are normally dark, and thinking of ways to impress. Each thing you have in common is yet another zzzzing! into the brain, and you do an internal touchdown dance every time you get a reaction. You feel slightly reckless, and greedy… but you’re drinking it all in, voraciously, should it disappear in a moment’s notice. All you want is to be with them. Time. Means. Nothing.

Of course I love my boyfriend, but I’m talking about Beatles Rock Band.

What is it? It’s only like the funnest* game on the planet ever. It’s just like being in a band if you were six, on a bender, and had no talent to speak of. Consistency is key to this game, but rarely does that happen. There’s a guitar, a microphone, and a color-coded drum set; you can add singers, if that’s how you roll, or guitarists if you like that ‘dueling banjos’ action. I also think pain medication helps the process, and by ‘process’ I mean the Rock Band path that inevitably leads you to failure. BUT FAILURE HAS NEVER BEEN SO FUN.

You “play” the instruments – and I use the term ‘play’ very loosely, it’s just rhythmic button-pushing – which results in a lot of cursing and tears and the taking of Paxil. Every time you miss a note on the guitar, it goes plink-plank-PLUNK, screech-grooooan, which makes you cringe every time. When you’re the drummer, it seems like you’ve grown seven extra arms – in the space of a minute – that all march to a different beat, and I swear, at least four of those arms are just for getting in the way. While singing the lead, I was stunned at how many Beatles songs I didn’t know the words to.  And you can forget about playing and singing simultaneously; it would be easier to make the instruments play on their own through telekinesis.

Word to the wise:  ‘I Am the Walrus’ will make your brain immediately hemorrhage, from the mind-altering spelling of coo-coo-ca-choo (spelled: goo-goo-g’joob) to the never-ending chant of  OOM-PA, OOM-PA, STICK IT UP YOUR JUMPER. I was so confused after singing that song – I kept thinking we were on acid, forgetting that ‘acid’ goes on the list of ‘Things People Could Afford Before The Recession.’ Not that I drop acid; I’m 13 years too old for that crap.

Despite the burning hand muscles and the feeling of utter failure, this game is worth playing. It’s so fun. It’s like falling in love, only better, because the game improves as you improve – which can happen in a healthy relationship, but why seek out that Holy Grail when you can buy happiness online for $275? Real musicians need not apply. This has to be the worst game out there for people who can play real instruments. Luckily, that doesn’t describe me at all.

Warning: this game runs solely on electricity, which will probably disappoint my Amish readers.

*not a real word

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Written by sn0tteh

September 15, 2009 at 10:49 AM

2 Responses

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  1. All that, for only $275? SUCH a deal.

    I consider myself a “real” musician, even having a bit of chops enough to strangle a few chords out of my guitar every now and again. I still find these games fun, if only for the fact that I only have the chops to strangle a few chords out on my guitar, instead of playing the actual thing.

    Badass Geek

    September 15, 2009 at 1:15 PM

  2. @Badass Geek In my defense, we’ve spent $0 on it, since the game is our neighbor’s. I’d never spend that much on a video game console, much less one overhyped game. That being said, I excel at games that are rhythm/beatz-centered, so I’ve loved Guitar Hero and Rock Band from the beginning. The Beatles were just icing on the electronic cake.

    sn0tteh

    September 15, 2009 at 1:19 PM


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