Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Thar She Blows

with 17 comments

Can we just jump right into blow jobs, please? Thanks.

A friend of mine hooked up with a girl a few months back, a girl I sort-of knew. I, being nosy (“curious”) and curious (“nosy”), asked if she was any good in bed – I mean, let’s cut right to the chase, yeah? She looked like a lousy lay to me, but I assume when it comes to one-night stands, it’s like Life handing you lemons: you just make lemonade and hope your penis has a good time. My friend was polite enough but I could read between the lines, and I mean the ones on his brow that were furrowed in an effort to Not. Talk. Shit. I appreciate that – I don’t want some dude out there talking about me in bed – “And then she farted and stole my identity!” – or something even worse. However, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about this other ho.

What does ‘a lousy lay’ look like? It generally looks awkward doing these three things: standing, flirting, and communicating. If the girl is so detached from her body that standing looks uncomfortable, it’s probably not going to improve once she’s naked and faking an orgasm, that’s all I’m saying. But she seemed really nice so I was hoping for the best, at least for the sake of her self-esteem. I was rooting for her until we got to the oral part of the exam, and then she failed, failed, FAILED.

‘She blow you?’ were my exact words. (Yes, I’m a lady.) You know, there’s the type of girl who includes it in her bedroom repertoire, and it’s no big deal; I unabashedly high-five that gal. Thanks for being open-minded (as well as other types of ‘open,’ hardy-har) and, above all else, approachable. Then there’s the type who partially includes it – like she’ll do it for birthdays, anniversaries, when she wants something specific, needs to say sorry, or is really, really drunk. I get that, I’ve been there – but better something than nothing at all. And then there’s this:

“You know, women don’t really like doing that.”

That was Lousy Lay’s response, AND I SAY FAIL. See, I’m a woman, and I didn’t appoint this uninspired lump to speak for all womankind, and if I had to choose someone, I’d probably pick a gal who gave superior head without complaint. What, I wonder, is wrong with a girl saying ‘I won’t do that’ or ‘I’m not willing to go there yet’? Instead she had to make a human shield out of 10 million vaginas, including my own, and say none of us like giving blow jobs. Maybe it sounded more legitimate that way? Maybe she thought he would be properly rebuffed, or might feel a little guilty, therefore backing off his wanton ways?

Men shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because Getting A leads to Holy Shit B which hopefully gets them to Fuck Yeah Canyone with a penis would feel like that. If I had one, I’d walk around the streets of Seattle begging for fellatio from I Really Couldn’t Care Who. It seems wholly unfair that men should have an outward organ of pleasure that can be manipulated in a matter of minutes (or nanoseconds), but don’t knock them for wanting something they know feels crazy good. You don’t have to do it – of course not, and state that preference up front – but you don’t have to make them out to be Bad Guys. “You know, women don’t really like doing that.” I didn’t like the hint of guilt in that statement, as though women had this commonly-known secret of which he should have been aware. She could have said, ‘SOME women don’t like doing this, I happen to be one of them, and better luck next time.’ That would be to-the-point and honest; that’s a girl who knows her boundaries and isn’t afraid to say so.

The fact of the matter is this: it wasn’t enough that she didn’t want to do it, which is really sad. She couldn’t say, ‘Hey, I’m a blowjobaphobic’ or ‘If your cock and my mouth were on Facebook together, I would click the Dislike button repeatedly.’ I don’t know how receptive he was to her comment, but there wasn’t much he could say. I mean, it’s not like he had some kind of penile epiphany and thanked her for her candor, nor did he shove it down her throat and say, ‘This will totally relax you right after you stop gagging.’ He took a breath and thought, ‘Okay, well…. okay,’ which is to be expected from a guy headed toward The Promise Land who’s detoured in, as luck would have it, Castration City. But before you feel too sorry for him, here’s where I get angrier:

She did it anyways.

I appreciate a little compromise, and I enjoy new things like any old lady who’s stuck in her ways, but it pisses me off that she would 1) invoke the holy name of Women to back up her sexual preference and 2) go BACK on that preference. It’s not WE ARE WOMEN, HEAR US ROAR – it’s I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR, so don’t ROAR and then go ‘miao, fiiiine.’ State your peace and stick with it, don’t wuss the fuck out. Men and women alike enjoy someone who’s INTO IT, no matter what you’re doing to/with/for each other; an enthusiastic partnership goes both ways. It helps to have some backbone when you’re entering Phase One of what could be a very long night with a randy stranger. My friend said it ended up awkward – anyone could have called that – which followed them into the real world, where they have to interact every so often.

That’s the opposite of fun, running into someone you’re mortified to see and yet you’ve been inside of her. Or you made him call you Mommy and the neighbors complained. He threw up on your bedspread and then asked for a blow job. She gave you the worst head known to man, but cried from happiness when you went down on her and now she won’t stop calling. He fell asleep while he was Down South. She showed you photos of her cats and couldn’t orgasm because she was concerned the cats could hear. Your dad showed up. Turns out she was a lesbian. Guess he’s got an extensive gun collection above his bed. And then she farted and stole your identity *cough*. All of these examples have happened, in real life, to people I know. So don’t drink moonshine, kids! Because this is where it gets you.

Oral sex, for some, is the end-all; for others, an appetizer. And then there’s those who don’t really care for it. Personally, I think everything should be tried before it’s dismissed – food, literature, temperaments, styles, ways of thinking, relationships, polish colors, video games, climates, films, music, sex, etc – within reason. And I don’t think you need to excuse yourself for liking – or disliking – any of those things, especially when it’s brushing your teeth with a PENIS. Come on. No matter how good it probably feels, even my boyfriend has commented on the inherent weirdness of the penis. I’m pretty sure that’s why he’s on the right side of the The Law:  because a life of crime will always lead to reluctant blow jobs and butt sex in a maximum security prison. Except there, you don’t get a preference; you just get a mouthful.

Written by sn0tteh

September 4, 2009 at 2:17 PM

17 Responses

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  1. hmmmmm butt sex in a maximum security prison….


    September 4, 2009 at 3:26 PM

  2. never done it never will, but it’s because i love pussy and always will. heh.


    September 4, 2009 at 4:15 PM

  3. This post is quite possibly the best thing I’ve read all day.

    Badass Geek

    September 4, 2009 at 5:22 PM

  4. @Badass Geek Thankee, sir.


    September 4, 2009 at 5:50 PM

  5. @mafiamama Go girl or go home!


    September 4, 2009 at 5:51 PM

  6. @madhouse6 Ok, so some people would enjoy some butt sex in a prison…


    September 4, 2009 at 5:52 PM

  7. Thanks for the poignant view. Enjoyed it thoroughly… I personally enjoy brushing my teeth with a PENIS on occasion.

    Alisa Glem

    September 4, 2009 at 5:57 PM

  8. @Alisa I’m with you. On occasion, but with gusto. 😉


    September 4, 2009 at 6:24 PM

  9. I TOO once fell asleep during an infamous trip downtown. Allegedly.

    the clear path here would be to deliver a set of multiples to her followed with huge load to her face and then proclaim: you know, men dont really like to do that, then not call her EVER AGAIN. If the world truly is to become a better place she will from then on associate mulitples with sucking cock and HOPEFULLY FOR THE NEXT GUY it wont be so traumatic.
    Of course thats just me, and all I do is sit around and watch American Loggers while scratching my balls all night.

    Important to note for my brethren in the field: If your woman is going to spend any kind of time sucking your cock, prep it for her. Shave your boys and shower like me: in the morning and once at night. Its the least we can do, its like giving back.


    September 6, 2009 at 12:26 PM

  10. @henchbot You’re pretty considerate for a dirty ninja-pirate hybrid.


    September 6, 2009 at 12:32 PM

  11. Having been married to great lay for five-and-a-half years, I had come (snicker) to take blowjobs and a partner who actually enjoys giving them for granted. Call me spoiled, but it would a take seriously hostile takeover of the heart by a little naked cherub with bow-and-arrow for me to concede the privilege of regular blowjobs while in a relationship, both the giving and the getting of them.

    Ok, so maybe I am spoiled, but that condition disqualifies a lot of the people on this planet, a consequence that my inner wild-oats-sowing all-conquering animus is not begrudging me. On the contrary, it gives me a reassuring sense of relief.

    Ham Sandwich

    September 6, 2009 at 10:18 PM

  12. @HamSandy Like we talked about: it’s all about a balance. But yes, we’re spoiled.


    September 7, 2009 at 11:44 AM

  13. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I am sitting out in the living room laughing so loud I’m sure my sleeping hubby is now awake.
    This line: “she had to make a human shield out of 10 million vaginas”
    is CLASSIC! I love your wit!


    September 8, 2009 at 8:57 AM

  14. PS-
    I’m glad I’m not the only one who has ever asked her guy friends how her girl friends rate in the sack!


    September 8, 2009 at 8:58 AM

  15. @Michelle Thanks, lady! I’m always curious who’s good and who sucks (literally).


    September 8, 2009 at 11:58 AM

  16. Blow jobs DO make the best blog posts! It was the first one I clicked on in the snotty sampler pack, anyway. And my expectations were met, exceeded even, without having been lowered first!


    November 28, 2009 at 1:49 AM

  17. Thanks, Stephy! Probably a good introductory post, LOL.


    November 28, 2009 at 1:19 PM

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