Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal


with 6 comments

The culprit.

The culprit.

If you’ve ever seen Inside the Actor’s Studio with James Lipton, you know he asks a series of personality questions toward the end of the show. This list of questions, based on the Proust questionnaire, has been making the rounds on Facebook. I decided to attempt the original questionnaire, because this is the only time Marcel Proust and I will appear in the same sentence; I also love how deliciously highbrow he was.

Proust Questionnaire

Your favorite virtue: Patience is a virtue – a worthless one, useful only for Kate Gosselin and men of the cloth. So my favorite is ‘humor,’ because it can be clearly used for good and evil.

Your favorite qualities in a man: Clever, loyal, talks with his hands. Men who know how to fix stuff and own a toolbelt pass Go immediately, and I think we all know where that leads. Hint: birth canal.

Your favorite qualities in a woman: Accountability, a big laugh, and metaphorical balls. As an aside, my least favorite qualities are: vanity, narcissism, ignorance, dishonesty, transparent materialism, an inflated sense of self-importance, and the inability to self-reflect. Of course, I’m at least half of these, but there are very few women that I authentically like.

What you appreciate most about your friends: They laugh at my jokes; their ability to stay thinner than me no matter how much I overeat; troublemakers, all.

Your main fault: Doesn’t sound familiar….

Your favorite occupation: Writing, or sexting or whatever.

Your idea of happiness: Cheese.

Your idea of misery: Being vegan.

If not yourself, who would you be: Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl.

Where would you like to live: a perfect fantasy of my own design. Barring that, probably Spain. Maybe Italy. I’m choosing based on the language, food, and graffiti.

Your favorite color and flower: I love peonies and ranunculuses – I’m also becoming a big fan of succulents. Picking a color is too hard, but I do love orange.

Your favorite prose authors: David Sedaris. Dennis Hensley. Tom Robbins. Sherman Alexie. Raymond Carver. W. Somerset Maugham. No women, weirdly.

Your favorite poets: Rilke. Neruda. Carver. My dad.

Your favorite heroes in fiction: Switters – Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates, Tom Robbins. Milo – The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster. Meursault – The Stranger, Albert Camus. Cory Mackenson – Boy’s Life, Robert McGammon.

Your favorite heroines in fiction: Anna Karenina. Madame Bovary. Kitty Fane. Hermione Granger. Three cheaters and a Muggle. Nice.

Your favorite painters and composers: My favorite painter is Souther Salazar. Favorite composer is Wagner, maybe Puccini. ‘But Snotty,’ you say, ‘I didn’t know you liked classical music or the opera!’ I’m a gigantic fan of both, actually. And not just so I can feel superior to you; I consider that an extra added bonus.

Your heroes in real life: I have a hard enough time with the ‘people’ in my life without elevating them to ‘hero’ status. When pressed, I might say ‘family members,’ and leave it at that.

What characters in history do you most dislike: The persecuting religious types.

Your favorite heroines in World History: Cleopatra, but that’s the only one I could think of. I’m the weak link when it comes to world history.

Your favorite food and drink: Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! And grape drink.

Your favorite names: Ainsley Hayes and Sam Seaborn from The West Wing. No, I’m not kidding. Kthulu’s pretty cool, too.

What I hate the most: The worst side of my self. It’s the left side profile, in case you were wondering.

World history characters I hate the most: I didn’t personally know any.

The reform I admire the most: Declaring independence from the British. Repealing Prohibition.

The natural talent I’d like to be gifted with: The language of computers.

How I wish to die: Mid-orgasm while sky-diving. Tangent: have you ever seen sky-diving porn? Someone who isn’t me should attempt that.

What is your present state of mind: It’s roughly 33-years old but advanced in its laziness.

For what fault have you the most toleration: Bad decision-making and bad hair days. Everyone does it and everyone has them.

Your favorite motto: Excelsior, meaning ‘ever upward,’ which is also the motto for the state of New York. I also like ‘What Can Brown Do For You?’


Written by sn0tteh

August 7, 2009 at 12:13 PM

6 Responses

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  1. Personally? I don’t want Brown to do anything for me other than pickup and deliver my packages. Promptly. Is that too much to ask?

    Badass Geek

    August 7, 2009 at 1:13 PM

  2. @Badass Geek – I’m brown, and I won’t pick up or deliver your packages, and especially not on time. But UPS definitely should.


    August 7, 2009 at 2:34 PM

  3. I might try this. I love your idea of misery! It made me laugh. You are a funny lady. I love it!


    August 9, 2009 at 12:09 PM

  4. @Elle That’s the most miserable thing I could think of, being without bacon or cheese or fun. đŸ™‚


    August 9, 2009 at 12:21 PM

  5. Why bother asking for my idea of happiness if you’re going to ask me for my favorite food and drink? And isn’t it a little spooky to ask for my state of mind right after asking how I’d like to die? Marcel, dude, you gotta chill . . .


    August 10, 2009 at 10:11 AM

  6. I would have to correct you… Hermione Granger is NOT a muggle. Her parents are. So that would make her a mud-blood. *gasp*


    August 13, 2009 at 11:32 AM

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