Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Flying Penii

with 10 comments


Midnight. The Esq explains that the last three years of our relationship have been a giant practical joke, and it’s over. Except he doesn’t tell me that, his mother does – and she’s positively glowing with the news. ‘Well sure, he shouldn’t have let the joke go this far – but you have to admit, it’s very clever. Justin apologizes for not being here in person, but he’s extremely busy.’ I wake up sobbing.

So that was the first nightmare.

3am. I’m pinned to the railroad tracks – and by pinned, I mean I’ve been crucified with railroad spikes. Every piece of exposed skin – arm fat, neck, and those serviceable birthing hips – have these gigantic, rusty nails hammered through them. My lips have been closed with the biggest nail of all, and I can hear the train coming. All of a sudden, I blow up. Like, explode. It feels like a rush of heat and then KA-BOOM! Red, meaty chunks of Yours Truly go flying through the air, and the train passes by. I wake up, incredulous.

Me: I… blew up.

Esq: What?

Me: I — I blew. UP.

Esq: Awww, I’m sorry, babe.

Me: I can’t believe —

Esq: What can I do?

Me: (whispering) I blew up.

Esq: That really sucks.

Me: I exploded!

Esq: Are you okay?

Me: … I BLEW UP!

I couldn’t stop repeating that phrase, my voice halfway between amused and horrified. That was the second nightmare.

6am. I’m standing in an idyllic, sunlit field; the sky is blue, the wind smells like apples. I relax into the dream, because it feels so safe – I can feel my anxiety falling away. Suddenly, a million flying penises start attacking me from the sky. They’ve got cartoon angel wings and, just like snowflakes, no two penises are alike. I avoid the black ones, because they’re downright frightening – in size and aggression – which is also how I operate in real life. They’re attacking me from all sides, with a firm and resounding THWACK! I cover my face and try waking myself up. ‘Wake up, girl, WAKE UP. No way are you getting cockslapped in your own fucking dream, NO WAY!’ I wake up, mid-laugh and mildly disturbed.

That was the third nightmare. After that, I decided sleep was for the weak, and I haven’t slept since.

Dear Self-Esteem: Wherever you are, could you cut the shit and come back home? Your absence is causing me night terrors, and I’d appreciate a good night’s sleep. Thanks.


Written by sn0tteh

July 25, 2009 at 1:22 PM

10 Responses

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  1. Ya seeing the orphan last night was way too much hetero sex for me, I almost gagged. Penises flying and hitting your face….ick


    July 25, 2009 at 1:41 PM

  2. Everyone keeps talking about this movie, but I’ve never heard of it. Doesn’t sound like my kind of flick.


    July 25, 2009 at 1:44 PM

  3. So lets see… flying penii, explosions, and nails.

    Sounds like someone is hard up. If you get my drift.

    Badass Geek

    July 25, 2009 at 2:13 PM

  4. Or maybe I need to spend more time in Second Life. I could get virtually laid there, too.


    July 25, 2009 at 2:21 PM

  5. Did you eat spicy food before dinner? That usually gives me weird dreams.

    matthew thompson

    July 25, 2009 at 6:02 PM

  6. @matthew Nope. I can’t do spicy food. It makes me insane, even more so than usual.


    July 25, 2009 at 6:35 PM

  7. at least you remember your dreams. I’m starting to wonder if I’m a huge vacuous pile of nothing based on my dreamless sleep.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    July 26, 2009 at 5:54 AM

  8. @konichiwa Even if you are, at least you haven’t exploded yet. I’m a vacuous pile of nothing who blew up. I can’t even be cool in my own dreams.


    July 26, 2009 at 3:31 PM

  9. How in the world does your brain create these things? I’m so incredibly jealous right now you have no idea. Seriously. *huff*


    July 26, 2009 at 7:21 PM

  10. I’ll trade you a dreamless sleep any day.


    July 27, 2009 at 10:23 PM

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