Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Back to My Future

with 9 comments

As a teenager, I looked back at my middle school self and thought, I wish I was still that size. At least I had a waist.

At age 21, I looked back back at my high school self and thought, Wow – I was much thinner than I thought. What the hell was I complaining about? I was still young and firm(ish). I should have worn more tank tops.

At age 25, I looked back at 21 and thought, ‘The fuck?  I looked way better back then. My knockers were in an anatomically-correct place on my body, even. Why didn’t I show them off when I had the chance?

At age 28, I looked back at 25 and thought, Oh how I long for the days of my 25-year old body. I tried remembering when wearing pants became wearing housepants which became ‘Why wear pants? That’s something motivated people do,’ and drew a blank. But somehow, all of my pants between the ages of 25-28 went from having buttons to having drawstrings, and that’s not a coincidence.

At age 30, I looked back at 28 and thought, Remember when I could afford pants? Remember when pant sizes had just one number? Remember when we were young and life was easy and wearing muffin top jeans was more important than breathing? I miss my old arms and my old ass and my old rack and my old back fat. At least they had more stamina.

So I’m looking at myself now – at 33 years old – and thinking DEAR GOD NO. Historically speaking, when I hit 40, this is the body I’m going to covet; this is the giant coconut husk I’m going to fondly look back on. I don’t want to look back at these boobs fondly. I don’t want to remember this double chin wistfully. I don’t want to know what kind of civilizations have colonized on my ass. I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to curl up in the sun for a cat nap, and dream of better days – like that time I got the flu and almost died but lost 30 pounds in the process. Totally worth it.

A flux capacitor would not go to waste in my Delorean, that’s all I’m saying.

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9 Responses

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  1. im 33 in a few weeks. my balls havent dropped yet. am I late bloomer?

    Henchbot

    May 29, 2009 at 11:28 AM

  2. If I ever look back fondly on this body it will be because somehow I have become one of those hyper obese people who wash themselves with a rag on a stick…

    Libby

    May 29, 2009 at 1:25 PM

  3. ROFL, fer-reals.

    sn0tteh

    May 29, 2009 at 1:47 PM

  4. wow you are 40? I always pictured you as this hip and happening 27 year old, i guess because your writing style is so refreshing, to be honest all the 40 year olds around the blogsphere are mommy blogs. BORING!

    franco

    May 29, 2009 at 8:30 PM

  5. I’m 33. But yes, someday, I will be 40. Boooooo.

    sn0tteh

    May 30, 2009 at 12:37 PM

  6. Thank god I was a fat kid. I can only look back at pictures pre puberty and reminisce about my skinniness. It has been all downhill from there. Actually right now I am skinnier than I have been in a LOOOONG time.

    Buttercup

    June 1, 2009 at 12:23 PM

  7. As per our conversation yesterday, I’m either going to have to lose weight this summer or start buying a new set of bigger clothes. I’m currently debating between Slim-Fast and meth. Or some combination of the two.

    Manthony

    June 5, 2009 at 12:26 PM

  8. I decided that whatever you do, I’m going to do. So if it’s a meth-filled summer for us, so be it. Or if you want to exercise more, I’m in. I also liked the idea of buying a bunch of garishly-colored muumuus and lying around in those.

    sn0tteh

    June 5, 2009 at 12:28 PM

  9. Muumuus, meth, and marshmallows. What more could we need?

    Manthony

    June 6, 2009 at 11:15 AM


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