Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Impossible Relationships

with 9 comments

GAZE. Look away. Angst.

GAZE. Look away. Angst.

GAAAAAAZE. Look away. Angst.


And finally, plot holes the size of my face, psychotic co-dependency, and dialogue that only Danielle Steel could love. Welcome to the movie, Twilight.

Oh, I loved the movie – it was awful. It was like a constant stream of romantic diarrhea flowing from an ass perched directly over my face; after a while, I didn’t so much ‘like it’ as much as I just ‘got used to it.’ I started timing my knee-jerk reactions – ‘What the fuck! Did they just SAY that?! Oh my God! This is horrible!’ – and for a long stretch of uninterrupted time, it occurred on an every-19-second loop, something I’m sure my boyfriend enjoyed. The Esq lasted twenty minutes before picking up his book; the only time he looked up again was for the ‘epic’ fight scene of serious over-acting, which only lasted three minutes. Of course the fight scene was short; awful love stories don’t have FIGHTING, they have FEELINGS.

Edward: Close your eyes. Take my hand. Don’t let go.

I can’t count how many times each one of them said, “Do you trust me?” Probably because I can’t count that high. GAZE. Look away. Angst.

The movie takes place in Forks, Washington, which is a real-live logging town in this here state. Do you know what teenagers from Forks, Washington look like? Because based on the movie, they look like regular townies – except for the foreigners who look like creepy Depeche Mode vampires from the North Pole. I like how the director was all ‘Subtlety? FUCK SUBTLETY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT.’ When Bella asks, “Who’re they?” and what you see are five winged, avenging ice angels in white with see-through skin, color-changing eyes, and facial ferocity matched only by Tyra Banks on a very bad day – it’s pretty clear what the answer is: they’re from Alaska.

Yeah, they’re from Alaska. And none of them are related. But they’ve been adopted by their doctor father and stay-at-home mother. And the brothers are dating the sisters, which is weird but not unheard of in small mountain towns. And any time the sun comes out, they vanish from school completely – ostensibly to go on hikes and enjoy nature BECAUSE YOU KNOW VAMPIRES LOVE TO CANOE. No one thinks this is odd – certainly not odd enough to question it. Their father is the town doctor, and he looks like Jack Nicholson as ‘The Joker’ – because that’s who I want touching my children:  some failed science experiment that couldn’t even handle Batman. And I don’t mean ‘bad-ass Christian Bale’ Batman – I mean ‘Michael Keaton in 1989’ Batman. Bo-ring.

My favorite part is where Bella figures it all out, I’d say within 72 hours to a week – everything happens on warp speed in Forks, Washington: love, discovery, vampire-killings, forgiveness. They walk deep into the woods, and she’s thinking-thinking-thinking. THINK, BELLA, THINK!

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: Seventeen.

Bella: How long have you been seventeen?

Edward: A while.

Bella: I know what you are.


Esq: A pedophile.


Esq: What, he’s like FIFTY.

I think I’m going to watch it again – it was really, really bad. Awesomely so. My sides hurt from all the laughter. If you’re too lazy to do crunches, then I suggest you watch this movie on repeat; you’ll have a flat stomach in no time. And don’t forget, they’re poised to make THREE MORE of these movies. Robert Pattinson isn’t really worth all the trouble, but it’s still entertaining. Barely


9 Responses

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  1. I can’t read your blog any more. You probably don’t care though because you are working on your Harry Potter costume for the final movie…


    May 26, 2009 at 8:10 PM

  2. Really, I know you hated it, but you still rented it. And therefore, you must be mocked…


    May 26, 2009 at 8:11 PM

  3. In my defense, this movie was downloaded and so I paid nothing but time I will never get back. Also, my eyes bled a little. Also, I watched it twice.


    May 26, 2009 at 8:17 PM

  4. Word on the street (according to my 11-year-old niece) is that the dude who played Edward never showered. Just another reason why the movie stunk so bad.

    I’m going to rent it tomorrow! 🙂

    Carrie Gunnnn

    May 26, 2009 at 9:54 PM

  5. I can’t wait to hear your take on it 🙂


    May 26, 2009 at 10:31 PM

  6. everyone knows that vampires canoe. and dance, and snorkel, and barbecue and junk like that.

    ive only heard crappy shitty things about this movie and the books. guess this, just like harry potter and LOTR, will have to remain a mystery to me.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    May 27, 2009 at 10:11 AM

  7. I’m an HP fan, but LOTR has been ruined for me by the Esq’s online playing of it. I never want to see another dwarf again.


    May 27, 2009 at 12:25 PM

  8. LOTR? I smelled that all the way over here you jackal. I want in on the action. Ive got a mean battleaxe.


    May 27, 2009 at 7:31 PM

  9. Of course you do. I read that about you on a bathroom wall somewhere.


    June 2, 2009 at 3:52 PM

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