Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

I Don’t Care About Your iPhone

with 13 comments

Drink the Kool-Aid! Drink it!

Drink the Kool-Aid! Drink it!

Remember when you used to have a personality? Then you got that iPhone. You used to have interesting things to talk about, but you replaced those things with irrelevant iPhone applications. Now when I’m going for dinner with a friend, hanging at a meet-up, monitoring Twitter, standing in line at the grocery store, waiting at the bar, chilling at a barbecue, volunteering, standing at the bus stop, or ANYTHING INVOLVING PEOPLE ANYWHERE EVER, what I hear is nine million different versions of this:

‘Oh my God, have you seen the new [insert useless iPhone application here]?!’

‘Dude, you gotta check this out, it’s hilarious – [insert slow-loading, audio-challenged YouTube video here].’

‘Did you see my new [insert iPhone accessory here]? It makes everything shiny, like the dawning of a brand new day!’

‘Have you heard the new [insert iPhone application geared towards annoying noises here]? It’s fucking awesome, because it makes noise! Like, actual noises! It’s amazing!’

‘Check out this [insert iPhone application that cures cancer]! I told you that the iPhone was a modern-day belt of miracle tools!’

‘What did we ever do without the joyful healing powers of the iPhone iFart application? It’s so brilliant, dude – it sounds like you’re actually farting, sixteen different ways! I know, it’s crazy!’

‘I’m going to go home and make love to my girlfriend with this awesome new iPhone application, iPenis. See? It even LOOKS like a penis! It’s genius!’

AND it’s a PHONE!!!’

Why do people assume that I’m remotely interested in their cell phone? No, I don’t care what your new ringtone is – ringtones are ridiculous and exist solely for your pleasure – not mine. No, I don’t want to see another grainy YouTube video that features 1-4 adult men doing stunts my mother would disapprove of, like eating their weight in ham and throwing up a gallon of milk, or peeing on a cow. And no, I don’t get excited by the thought of your phone farting – I remember the good old days, when humans farted for themselves and didn’t rely on technology to do it for them. Oh cool, and it sounds like a siren!… that must be pretty helpful when you’re in need of a loud annoying siren sound. The iPhone will flip a coin for you, tell you where to eat in your neighborhood, get you directions to the strip club, help you with your golf swing, vibrate for your girlfriend, clean your house, walk your dog, do your laundry, fix the economy, end the war, lengthen your penis, and raise. your. children. THE iPHONE IS MIRACULOUS.

Despite my hatred towards all things Apple, I know the iPhone is not without merit. As the first of its kind, it really changed the face of the cell phone industry and turned owning a phone into more than just a necessity; they turned it into a much-hyped, overpriced, habit-forming accessory. The technology is ahead of the curve, and their branding/packaging is the stuff that advertising wet dreams are made of. They’re successful for a reason, and not just because of middle-class hipsters who wear KEXP hoodies and talk about their favorite microbrews, although that certainly played a part. They’ve made technology fun for people who normally wouldn’t care, and those people are spreading the gospel of iPhone and its god-like applications in return. I’m saying I get it – I understand why this toy is so popular, and why kids go barmy and lose their nuts over a new application. But understanding something doesn’t denote actual interest; I really don’t give two flying fucks about your phone.

Here’s the thing:  geeks, nerds, gadget freaks, technophiles, people who were into the internet before Facebook was invented – they’ve already been enjoying these same ‘applications’ online, some of them for years. People who are new to technology – or new to appreciating technology – are actually late to the game, so their enthusiasm seems elementary.  Yes, I think your iPhone is a wondrous, magical trinket that can do a bunch of partially-useful things thanks to the Pantheon of Mediocrity I like to call ‘Your Apps’, but your phone isn’t so interesting that I want to know you better. Pandora is an awesome application, but I’ve been using that site for a long time – it’s cool that it’s on your phone, but I don’t really care. And Google Earth has been around for a long time – but since you just discovered it on your phone, you’re suddenly sending out press releases about how to use it and why it’s made your life so easy. Without that phone, how could you be entertained by anything ever again?

Can you even remember what life was like before your iPhone? I highly doubt it, although the answer would probably sound more like ‘but why would I want to imagine something as bleak and terrifying as THAT?’ Why must so many of you sound like blabbering yahoos with nothing to contribute to a human conversation? I can’t imagine what you did before owning an iPhone; ‘thumb-twiddling’ and ‘throwing rocks at cars’ are my two guesses. Hey, you were just a poor defenseless kid that started running with the wrong crowd, who eventually found a gateway drug – the iPhone online application store  – which then led you to a life of crime. There isn’t a 12-step program in the world strong enough to separate iPhone fanatics from their phones, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

Pretty soon the iPhone will allow you to connect with even less people, since you’ll be too busy downloading applications to ever use it as a phone – but on the bright side, they’ll probably come up with a better version of the now-pulled Shaken Baby Application.  Useful for all of your dead baby needs. I’m actually developing an application right now called iHeaven; it’s your basic run-of-the-mill Jim Jones-type thing. You download it and perish instantly – but it’s for a good cause, I promise. I make genocide fun!


13 Responses

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  1. Almost every person I know now has an iPhone. I always want to look at it, but once I’m done saying “oooh, shiny” I am not sure what to say.

    Of course, if my Blackberry is out of reach I go into spasms, so I probably shouldn’t be too critical…


    May 19, 2009 at 6:35 AM

  2. Yeah, it’s definitely the biggest Kool Aid-drinking club on Earth. Don’t get me wrong, I like my phone – it’s a Palm, not super exciting – and I’m like ee! ee! ee! ee! if I can’t find it (which is always), but NO THANKS on the applications.


    May 19, 2009 at 7:28 AM

  3. Two words: Pocket God.

    Once you smite a few villagers you’ll never go back.

    I heart my iPhone. Without it I’d be…well, a little richer since I’ve broken three of them and keep buying another to replace it.


    May 19, 2009 at 10:51 AM

  4. Oh, I know. iJesus is probably coming down the pipeline very soon. Everyone who owns an iPhone hearts it – everyone who owns an iPhone can’t live without it. I get that. I just don’t need to hear about it in all of our conversations. Of course, you’ve never talked about your iPhone until now, so I’ll let this one slide. 🙂


    May 19, 2009 at 12:26 PM

  5. omg – you said “barmy?”

    have you been staying up late watching dr who?

    (because i have…) ô_ó


    May 19, 2009 at 11:00 PM

  6. I’ve been away too long. I don’t know anyone with an iPhone, at least not real people. The only people I see around here with them are those who can make actual practical use of them i.e. business owners. Nearly every business owner I’ve interviewed with in the last two years, regardless of how small or shitty the business, has had one of these things.

    Ring tones are irritating. No one on the train or in the grocery store glances up, startled, when your phone plays their favorite top 40 hit and thinks, “At last… I have finally found my soul mate,” then introduces themselves and thus begins the happily ever after. There is indeed a way to meet strangers with whom you have only superficial things in common; it’s called c-r-a-i-g-s-l-i-s-t.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    May 20, 2009 at 3:18 AM

  7. This post was so dear to my heart! I HATE all things Apple ( I don’t even own an iPod…gasps all around). Just like I hate all things hipster.


    May 20, 2009 at 6:43 AM

  8. @Matt: BARMY BARMY BARMY. I actually wrote it down, and then thought, is this an actual WORD? Then looked it up, and kept it.

    The Dr. Who reference is just a bonus. 🙂


    May 20, 2009 at 8:52 AM

  9. @konichiwa: But Craigslist is now known as p-r-o-s-t-i-tu-t-i-o-n, right? LOL

    What kind of phones do they primarily use in Germany?


    May 20, 2009 at 8:54 AM

  10. @LilRed: In Nashville, you guys ARE the hipsters. :p


    May 20, 2009 at 8:54 AM

  11. would you like a jellybaby?


    May 20, 2009 at 9:33 PM

  12. people like nokias and siemens naturally, but there are so many cell phone kiosks and stores everywhere that any old third-world cup-and-string manufacturer can sell his company’s phones–as long as it has a camera and can download the latest top 100 german techno nightmare ringtone. I myself have a samsung, which is also huge here–my phone, my brand new camera, and this computer are all from samsung, completely coincidentally.

    The primary Fancy Pants phone owned by normal people is the Blackberry.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    May 25, 2009 at 6:28 AM

  13. ha. brilliant. it’s true.. i can’t live without my ijesus. i get religion from it (carpel tunnel is just a bonus).

    i promise to not talk (too-much) about the ap’s if we ever meet in person!


    May 27, 2009 at 11:47 AM

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