Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Passive Aggression Finds A Home

with 13 comments

Seriously.

Seriously.

This is a meme I read on Libby Logic, and it’s brilliant. For all of you passive aggressive nancies out there, this one’s for you:

10 Things I Wish I Could Say To Certain People

1. Your insecurities are so hard for me to deal with sometimes. I dream about giving you the movie speech where I say FAREWELL HOT MESS, just more eloquently. A crowd will gather and, after my speech, they’ll applaud. And then you’ll go far away. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream; this is mine.

2. You and I aren’t friends because you don’t possess the ability to be a friend to other humans. Everything about you is black and white, and I can’t wait around for you to get over your immature anger. I used to pity you, alone in your weird made-up world, but now I see you’re unhealthy for me. Immaturity aside, I hope you die in a fire.

3. Just because you have a huge cock does not mean you’re talented in bed. If anything, you’re probably handicapped, and that’s exactly what it was like sleeping with you: like being in the Special Olympics.

4. I preemptively hated you because I figured you hated me, and then you started hating me, and now I’m like FUUUUUCK.

5.  To anyone that ever had an opinion on what the Esq could have done after law school (there are many of you):  it’s ridiculous – I don’t tell longshoremen how to do their fucking jobs BECAUSE I’M NOT A LONGSHOREMAN.

6. You are the most narcissistic, self-centered, half-human being I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. You are utterly without merit. You are completely without value. I think, instead of internal organs, you’re filled with rotted packing peanuts. You hurt people all the time and don’t even know it. I’m sad I know you.

7.  1) I’m a better writer. 2) You’re famous. This is why you suck.

8. All these years, you’ve thought it was me who did that horrible thing to you – but what you don’t know, I can’t tell you. And it’s eating me up inside. I’m glad we’re still friends, despite what happened, but I hate that you don’t know the truth. I hate that I took one for the team and never stood up for myself.

9. Smoking in the house is disgusting – YOU are disgusting – especially when my ten-year old lives there. Thanks for killing my son slowly with the cancer you’ll probably never get. It’s always the unhealthy assholes that live forever.

10. Yes. Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes. Yes. But in real life, no.

Honorable Mention:

11. You’re passive aggressive, but in denial. Also, you’re bitchy and need a nap. Thanks.  (This one’s for me.)

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13 Responses

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  1. Wow. Just Wow.

    Lay it down, sister!

    Ross

    May 11, 2009 at 1:14 PM

  2. Damn it. You do passive aggressive better than I do. I am so going to anonymously smear you on Twitter now…

    Libby

    May 11, 2009 at 1:37 PM

  3. I would’ve automatically assumed #11 was for me had you not put that parenthetical aside in.

    Secretly I want someone to verbally bitch-slap me, out of love of course.

    Carrie Gunnnn

    May 11, 2009 at 6:17 PM

  4. I just added a note to my blog about someone’s passive aggressive message to me on his blog!

    oh god, I’m such a nerd…

    in any case, passive aggressiveness sucks…yup.

    stacymarie

    May 11, 2009 at 11:41 PM

  5. Sorry, where’s the passive part? I can’t find it…

    Matt

    May 12, 2009 at 10:26 AM

  6. It’s the part where these people will never read this, and except for two people, probably won’t know it’s them.

    sn0tteh

    May 12, 2009 at 10:30 AM

  7. I’ve decided to start calling you “Miss Bossy Boots.” Just because I like how it sounds.

    Manthony

    May 12, 2009 at 8:29 PM

  8. I have to know who #8 is. 🙂 is this a story I know?

    LilRed

    May 13, 2009 at 12:39 PM

  9. Don’t think so!

    sn0tteh

    May 13, 2009 at 3:07 PM

  10. oh… OH! So #7 is Sherman Alexie, and #6 is me?

    Matt

    May 13, 2009 at 11:08 PM

  11. Ha, Matt – NO. 🙂 1) I am not a better writer than Sherman Alexie, and 2) you are not filled with packing peanuts. Are you?

    sn0tteh

    May 14, 2009 at 7:22 AM

  12. Wait…are these *all* for different people? Or all directed at the same now-eviscerated shitheel?

    Ross

    May 15, 2009 at 6:11 PM

  13. 10 completely different people, Ross – and you don’t appear *anywhere*. 😀

    sn0tteh

    May 15, 2009 at 6:15 PM


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