Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Bitches & Ho’s: How To Be A Best Friend

with 9 comments

33rdbday1

Card received.

Message says:

Happy Birthday! Hope 33 turns out better for you than it did for Jesus.

My other BFF, Auticia Gonzales – Part-Time Countess, Leader of the Yucutan Peninsula and Bartez of Syracuse, Doo-Wop Girl, Crazy Person Extraordinaire & Strong Black Woman – knows how to sign a birthday card. (She’s small and white, but no less extraordinary. I’ve been told she levitates, and communicates with trees and forest animals. I once saw her create the perfect layer cake, pretty in pastels and perfect in every way, and write HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!! in a flawless frosted font. She had asshole friends (us) who made her sit on pedophile Santa’s lap for our annual Christmas photos at Westlake Center, year after year – but in my defense, a big girl needs to take advantage any time being bigger is rewarded. Because how often does that happen?  They don’t thank you in a canoe, and only the Japanese are impressed by skilled hot dog eaters. I guess it’s helpful if you’re crushing grapes with your feet or drowning someone in the river, but whatever; I know if my plane goes down in the Andes with my starving soccer team, they’ll eat me first to survive. Sometimes, though, it works out – and that ‘sometimes’ was always Christmas with my best friend; worked out for me, not so much for her. Case in point:  do you weigh the same as a reindeer? Move to the back and take a crappy photo. Are you adorable and petite? Get fondled by Santa and go to therapy. Point being, I love Auticia’s molested little self to pieces.)

She and I have a lot in common:  we’re the same type of snob, we’re passionate about books, we both love language, and we support each other well – as evidenced by one of our last text messages:

Aut: I miss you! I’m all crazy and could use a witty quip from you to put everything in some funny perspective. xoxo

Me: Kill yourself.

Me: …love you chica. Hope you get less crazy. Miss you bunches, whoreface.

Aut: Thanks, you cum-guzzling queen. Phew, I feel much better.

Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better. You’re a pithy wordsmith, wench, and I thank thee for the card.

Love,

The Alleged Queen of Everything, Self-Appointed Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Mariah Carey Impersonator, Fucked-Up Bitch Extraordinaire & Fake Ass Polynesian.

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Written by sn0tteh

May 7, 2009 at 4:58 AM

9 Responses

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  1. Awww…I would gladly be fondled by Santa just for a chance to be in the same room with you. There is something so classic about a beautiful Samoan woman in the middle of a fake Christmas setting surrounded by elves…that is (in my mind) the true spirit of Christmas…

    Auticia

    May 6, 2009 at 10:33 PM

  2. I can’t believe Pedophile Santa turned out to be gay (or at least *very* bi-curious). I almost felt indignant on your part when I found out, like WTF GUY. Don’t be wasting our time, Santa.

    sn0tteh

    May 6, 2009 at 10:44 PM

  3. My favorite Snotty post EVER. I’m not creative enough to come up with such fabulous terms of endearment. But I can definitely admire your skills at it.

    Carrie Gunnnn

    May 6, 2009 at 11:52 PM

  4. Oh pshaw – my terms of endearments are called ‘insults’ in classier parts of the world. I know you can throw down when necessary, Ms. Gunnnn.

    sn0tteh

    May 7, 2009 at 12:17 AM

  5. That’s beautiful and I love it. (Fuck, I’ll probably even steal it.) Thanks, Ms. Gonzales and Happy Birthday, Snotty!

    Jenny

    May 7, 2009 at 12:51 PM

  6. Um, that’s MRS. Gonzales, Mrs. Blaesing. Apparently I’m the only one here not worth marrying. Twice. :p

    sn0tteh

    May 7, 2009 at 1:44 PM

  7. Happy Birthday! Hope 33 turns out better for you than it did for me!

    Matt

    May 8, 2009 at 1:45 PM

  8. Jesus?

    sn0tteh

    May 8, 2009 at 1:47 PM

  9. I have it from a reliable source that I walk on water…

    😉

    Matt

    May 9, 2009 at 9:43 PM


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