Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

I’ll Take Mayo, Hold the Cinco

with 3 comments


Happy Cinco de Mayo! An entire holiday dedicated to the love of Mexican mayonnaise.

I’m stealing straight off of my old Fourth of July post, because all the information you could ever want about this holiday was included. So here goes:

I equate the Fourth of July to the Fifth of May. Cinco de Mayo is an amateur drinking holiday that Americans celebrate whether they know a Mexican or not; the Fourth of July is celebrated every year with tons of booze and very little knowledge of the United States or its history, even though we all live here. The day we became independent from the British did not include hot dogs and public drunkenness; it was not about getting an even tan, or buying dangerous explosives from a dwindling tribe of Native Americans we’ve historically shat on. No one even knows what Independence Day is about! I had a client last Thursday, a younger woman, who summed it all up for me in just two sentences: “I’m, like, gonna go and, like, celebrate Independence Day with margaritas in the park? Oh my God, I love that Will Smith movie.”

Margaritas in the park and Will Smith in the movie Independence Day, where he and Jeff Goldblum saved us from the martians, not the Mexicans. This is what our nation’s independence has been reduced to.

Speaking of total ignorance, do you know the history behind Cinco de Mayo? It seems as though Americans aren’t very thoughtful when it comes to other cultures, a shocking new development. Most of my friends think that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s Independence Day, much like our Fourth of July. Celebrating their independence comes at a hefty price, though: four to eight to sixteen margaritas. This is how we honor our neighbors to the south.

“We’re celebrating Mexico’s Independence Day!” SLURP
“OhmyGod, where’s my camera?! We need a picture of you in that authentic Mexican hat-thingy!” SLURP
“Mexican chicks are hot, dude.” SLURP “Remember Anna? She was half-Mexican.”
“Woo-hoo, Mexico! You are now free!” SLURP

I think Americans enjoy thinking that they personally freed the Mexicans from slavery — or tyranny, which sounds a lot cooler. Americans also seem to believe that for every watered-down margarita they have, a Mexican child will get his wings; it’s noble, really, all of this rampant alcoholism to save the poor children. Unfortunately, Mexico’s Independence Day is on September 16th. Americans are only four months off, which doesn’t really faze me; most of us suck at math.

So this is what you’re celebrating on the Fifth of May: In 1861, Mexico – like an out-of-work older brother who always finds trouble – quit making interest payments on loans it had received earlier. In response, France (and other European countries) attacked in order to force payment of the debt incurred. On May 5, 1862, the French were defeated in the city of Puebla. This is what we as a country celebrate together at private parties, barbecues, picnics, and every bar imaginable, across the entire nation: Mexico being cheap assholes and dodging their creditors. When I successfully evade my creditors, no one gets drunk on my behalf, much less an entire country.

But still, I do love mayo. I’m just not all that excited about the Cinco.


3 Responses

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  1. Like the moose or giraffe or Bill O’Reilly?! Freakin’ brilliant. I, like all other Americans, don’t care about Mexico’s credit and care even less about the French. So woo-hoo! More margaritas por favor!

    Carrie Gunnnn

    May 5, 2009 at 7:23 PM

  2. I don’t know any Mexicans, and I’ve never been to Mexico. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, but yes, it does.


    May 5, 2009 at 7:37 PM

  3. i forgot about cinco de mayo (because i’m unemployed and can’t remember what day it ever is).
    thank goodness you said something, since now i can avoid the dowsh-filled bars.

    *wipes brow*


    May 5, 2009 at 9:36 PM

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