Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Web Two Point Oh Shit

with 13 comments


Could somebody explain to me what an RSS feed is? What the hell’s a feed? I understand a feed store, a feed trough, a news feed, a live feed, a web feed, Feed the movie, Feed the book, Team FEED, and feeding my face with cake and bacon -but fuck if I know what a feed is. I know there’s a handy Wikipedia page that has a wealth of information on it, but I make it about two sentences in before my eyes start shedding blood and my vision fades to black. Reading is too hard. Technology: mega lame. I want a panda. (I think that was a haiku! It finished on a strong note.)

It’s not just feeds, it’s everything. I don’t even use Word that much, and I’m an alleged writer. I wouldn’t know Word if it was typing the Cyrillic alphabet directly onto my face.  I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a podcast, either – I can only imagine that a podcast is some kind of weird midnight radio show, broadcast from a pod in outer space. I guess I know my way around the torrents, but only because the Esq has been continuously training me for the past thirty months; I’m a terrible student. HTML was fairly simple, but learning it gave me vertigo – and sometimes I feel dyslexic trying to remember a tag. I like my phone, but understand it as much as I do quantum physics or women who shave their eyebrows off.  Also, it took me months to figure out what the crap this was: . ‘It’s a heart, silly!’ people would say, looking at me with sympathy like, ‘Merciful heavens, this poor little match girl has never had real internet love! I’ll bet she’s never even had a real LOL.’ People, that shit doesn’t look like a heart and you know it. Maybe it’s a fallen ice cream cone or a turkey baster or an open-alligator sign with the number 3 beside it – but if that’s a heart, I’m going to be forced to start saying ‘I fallen ice cream cone you,’ in lieu of saying ‘love.’ I’m just not inclined that way, and by ‘that way,’ I mean wink-wink nudge-nudge in the butt. Technology is a serious pain in the ass.

Just because one has a blog does not make them good with technology or some kind of binary-loving genius – at best, I’m a trained monkey. The kind with a mischievous personality and a vintage accordion. And don’t forget the little red fez or the white guy who carries me around. I mean, Ann Coulter has a blog and Sarah Palin has an email account, so as you can see, any half-crazed, barely-trained Pomeranian can look legitimately skilled 1) with certain facets of technology and 2) with very little God-given skills at all. That’s me:  totally without skill or interest in how something works until it’s way past due. Of course I know what a feed is, kind of – it’s like an online centralized waiting room portal for all my posts to hang out in, jah? – but there’s a disconnect in my brain when I try to understand it from a technical point of view. This makes learning about technical things – online or otherwise (I doubt I will ever fix a toilet or perform open heart surgery) – extremely challenging for me, to the tune of bleeding eye sockets and recurring brain aneurysms.

I think this is called technology dyslexia. I’m coining the phrase ‘techslexia,’ even though that sounds like Viagra for robots. Being techslexic is like being covered in a rash made of gravy and spark plugs and failure – and every few minutes you get mildly electrocuted for your technical foibles. And there’s a laugh track in the background on a loop. I wish I spoke your language, technology, but not so much that I’ll actually learn it. That could be a small part of the problem.


13 Responses

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  1. aw. we IFICCY snotteh. ^_^


    May 3, 2009 at 8:58 PM

  2. also, in a homophonically delightful side-note, i myself am “texlexic.”


    May 3, 2009 at 9:01 PM

  3. Techslexic shounds like you’re schluring.
    🙂 *

    *that looks like I’m smiling, right?

    barb jensen

    May 3, 2009 at 9:19 PM

  4. YES! I also wonder what ‘sexlexic’ means.


    May 3, 2009 at 9:21 PM

  5. Barb, you’re always smiling and I’m always slurring.


    May 3, 2009 at 9:22 PM

  6. Next time someone asks me “what RSS” is, I will point them here.

    The segue from the last post, transferring “the pain” from one source to another is brilliant.


    May 4, 2009 at 10:43 AM

  7. I totally want a panda.


    May 4, 2009 at 3:27 PM

  8. ‘Adorably vicious’ is how I like to think of pandas, mkhblink.


    May 4, 2009 at 11:08 PM

  9. So, why hasn’t anyone answered your initial question? Does anyone really know what a FEED is? I’m only curious because, like you, I have no clue what it is or how it works. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who struggles!

    p.s. cake and bacon = bliss.

    Carrie Gunnnn

    May 5, 2009 at 3:47 AM

  10. i read that wiki page, (and some others, supposedly ‘explaining RSS’), and after the first lot of eye bleeding, it settled down, and i thought ok, i think i get this. I then tried to use the RSS thing… maybe i did something wrong, but i ended up with this list of blog posts on a person’s blog – and that’s it.

    I could click through to read the blog. (Hoorah! Not.) I don’t actually want something that lists the last 10 or so posts on a blog, (usually i’ve read those, ffs) i just want to know if there’s a new one… and it didn’t seem to tell me that, at least not in any way i understood it – i’m not a newbie, or very techslexic, i can usually manage if i read up on things.

    So i deleted all the RSS links, and went back to keeping a list of blogs i read in a folder called BLOGS TO READ. It’s old-fashioned, but works for me. People say, oh, am putting your blog on my RSS feed, and i nod, smile, say thanks… one day, i must ask… WHY???? Wtf does it do?


    May 5, 2009 at 11:10 PM



    May 5, 2009 at 11:40 PM

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