Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Oprah & Ashton Ruin My Day

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Dear Oprah,

We’ve had our differences over the years, but now you’ve gone too far. It’s bad enough that Twitter runs rampant with ten million false gurus of subjects that real gurus would normally avoid, i.e.; social networking, blog marketing, search engine optimization, Top Ten Twitter Tip Lists, and a host of other boring topics that turns Twitter into a repetitive eyesore rather quickly. That being said, I still love the idea of micro-blogging, and enjoy using Twitter every day for my own amusement.

Enter:  the Mighty O. Now that you’re on Twitter – you and your legions of lobotomized fans – it’s making an already-buggy system even more challenging, and I hate you.  I AM NO LONGER AMUSED.  Now people are Twittering about you constantly – of which I am guilty, although I made tweets like ‘Oprah=Satan’ – and I’m seeing a lot of YOU GO, GIRL tweets that will surely end in a heartwarming story of non-anthropomorphic traveling pants. Please stick with your own kind, Oprah, and by that I mean self-involved billionaires who live outside reality. I know you’ve done a lot of good in the world, so I’m not knocking that – but you’re a giant fish in a small pond. I’d like some room to breathe.


Twitter is for people to have a voice, whatever that voice may be – it could be for professional use, a blog, the news, their neighborhood/city/state/nation/world, political opinions, inappropriate quadriplegic jokes, weird fashion musings, wondering where that rash came from, or droll facts about cheese:  if you can write it down in less than 140 characters, you’ve got a small (or, depending on your following, large) voice on Twitter. Oprah doesn’t really *need* Twitter – yes, this is a judgement, and also an opinion – because she opens up that yappy trap and the entire universe tunes in to listen. And that’s without Twitter. Oprah’s voice can be heard around the world at any given moment, because her brand is total and complete – what mortal can compete with that kind of insta-power? Why the fuck does she need to play in our sandbox?

And why is it that something like Twitter only gets legitimized after the pseudo-celebrities discover it? Ashton Kutcher is a self-important, repeatedly-used douchebag. Why is he even famous?

Dear Ashton,

Stop polluting the airwaves with what your mother your wife describes as ‘talent.’ You were in Dude, Where’s My Car? You coined the phrase PUNK’D, misleading an entire generation of underage MTV zombies about what role the apostrophe plays in the English language. You c0-created the awful reality show, Beauty & the Geek, which is hilarity-squared; I can’t believe more than one brain was needed for that brainstorming session. These are all examples of your inherent douchebaggery. Truthfully, I’m just mad about your Twittering, too. Sure, it’s nice that you have one million followers and that you’ve donated money for charity, but people like you are a drug: there are good drugs (antibiotics, vitamins, small amounts of crystal meth, funny mushrooms you find in the forest) and then there are bad drugs (heroin, religion, the Stock Market, celebrities). You are a well-meaning drug with bad side effects. Go. Away.


And now:  to the Batcave.


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