Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

“Stress Relief”

with 7 comments

By the power of Bangs McGee

By the power of Bangs McGee

I have a friend named Bangs McGee. She’s the only person in the world with a cooler laugh than me. The last time she came over (TOO LONG AGO, WHORE), we ate miniature blueberry muffins and played with the Esq’s old He-Man toys. Yes, really – we played He-Man and you’re jealous. If Bangs McGee was a baseball-playin’ kinda gal (she may well be), she would probably be a power hitter – she’s also a giant nerd like me, which always pleases the gods.

See, Bangs McGee gets her own glowing post today because I realized that she has never led me astray in the links department – no, not sausage or golf (not yet anyways) – and this afternoon was no different. Behold, my favorite post ever, entitled ‘Top 10: Subtle Ways to Tell Her She’s Getting Fat’. I should have written this, people; no one does ‘subtle’ like this loud crazy biatch.

An excerpt:

No.3 – Sabotage her chair

Sometimes as men we have to get downright nefarious to get what we want. You might not be proud of stooping to this level, but nothing says “better lose some weight” like a broken chair. After you loosen a few screws or remove some important slats of a chair in which you know she’ll sit and subsequently break, sit back and watch the guaranteed dietary transformation that ensues. It will profoundly amaze you.

See what I mean? Subtle. I guess that’s what the Esq was trying to do back when my ass broke the bench and ruined Christmas.

Snotty: That’s what you’ll do.
Esq: I’m sure that I won’t.
Snotty: Yeah, you’ll be like ‘Hey Marika, you should totally wear the shirt I love that you used to wear back when we first met’ and I’ll be all I ATE IT.
Esq: Mmhmm.
Snotty: Bastard.

There are brilliant ideas within the “article” that range from the somewhat subtle: ask her to wear an old dress because you love it on her, leave some Before and After photos around the house – to the totally fucking ridiculous: diet and exercise together? WHY DON’T YOU JUST SHOOT ME – to the completely transparent: sign her up for a yoga class under the pretense of ‘stress relief,’ or something equivalent to giving her a gym membership as a birthday gift. I can say with total confidence that if the Esq gave me that, I would be like WHY ARE WE BREAKING UP and then push him down the stairs with my big fat arms.

Look, it’s a reality: sometimes people gain weight. And if you’re a health fanatic or a controlling, insensitive douchebag who writes for the BETA, it’s going to affect the attraction you have towards your newly porked-out partner. Not to worry; there are many paths of communication one can use to reach out to a loved one, especially if you’re genuinely concerned about their worsening health. Need a few ideas to get you started?

1. Say it with sky-writing. Nothing says YOU’RE ENORMOUS AND I HATE YOU like mile-high letters in the lamest font around (I’m talking to you Arial).

2. Get creative with Ex-Lax. Don’t worry about legalities – it’s just chocolate.

3. Get your friends together and make protest signs that say something like SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE or SAVE THE WHALE – and when she goes grocery shopping, march around her in the store. Respectfully.

4. Tell her you’re into emo goth chicks now, and sew her lips shut with black thread; add a black tear on her cheek for good measure. If that’s too macabre for your taste, tell her you’re into role-playing; make her a mask with Jessica Alba’s face on it, or one of your more attractive ex-girlfriends. Again, respectfully.

5. Make a trail of her favorite foods – chicken wings, cupcakes, vegans – that leads her deep into the forest. Leave her fat ass there.


Written by sn0tteh

March 20, 2009 at 1:34 AM

7 Responses

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  1. bangs mcgee may be the best name ever!


    March 20, 2009 at 2:21 AM

  2. you’re moderating me? bitch.

    lol 🙂


    March 20, 2009 at 2:22 AM

  3. Oh you did NOT just come here to MY blog and call me a bitch, bitch. 😛


    March 20, 2009 at 3:43 AM

  4. Or you could have a really hot guy from South Africa tell you “why don’t you go work out or something.” That definitely inspired me. Funny thing, he didn’t recognize me about four months later when I ran into him and, oddly, was 30 pounds lighter. I told him to kiss my ripe booty.

  5. Oh my God, I would go Dave-Chappelle-goes-to-Africa crazy on that guy’s ass.


    March 21, 2009 at 2:45 AM

  6. fucking love he-man.


    March 24, 2009 at 4:26 AM

  7. So many people do! But not everyone has the entire collection 🙂 They’re actually really fun to play with!


    March 24, 2009 at 4:35 PM

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