Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Stuff I Never See Anymore

with 12 comments

The money shot.

The money shot.

No, not white people:  CROCS.  I’ve joined many special interest groups on Facebook, mostly out of boredom or a general lack of direction in life, and some of my favorites are:  When I Was Your Age, Pluto Was a Planet; ‘I judge you when you use poor grammar.’; Please Don’t Be Offended If I Ignore Your Facebook Application Requests; I Hate the Jonas Brothers With the Passion of a Thousand Burning Suns; Cakespy Fan Club; and the fastest-growing 2008 Facebook group on the internet, 1 Million Strong Against Sarah Palin.  But my favorite, by a landslide, has to be the I Don’t Care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like a Dumbass group – although I have a special affinity for the first Myspace group I ever joined: Ashlee Simpson Isn’t Good At Anything. If only there was a photo of her wearing a pair of Crocs – that would be an open-faced irony sandwich.  Hey, you want to encase your human feet in hot pink rubbery whiffle balls, that’s your prerogative; it’s my job to make fun of you.  Hard to do, though, since I don’t see them around anymore.

A Fantasy World

A Very Different World

No, not the TV show:  I’m talking about black people.  Since moving to Ravenna, I’ve seen more white people and not very many folks of whatever-the-opposite-of-white-is… off-white, I guess.   But I never see black people anymore – I know maybe two African-American people, that’s all.  ‘Diversity’ isn’t the first word I would come up with to describe the neighborhood; a better word for it would be… wan.  The Esq informs me that the color white is really a ROY-G-BIV extravaganza, but what does that alabaster honky know.  I find it hilariously sad that The Cosby Show and A Different World were my only exposure to black people until I was in my twenties.  I loved A Different World – I thought that’s what college would be like, except all the boys would look like Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block;  I’d have roommates named Whitley and Jaleesa, and we would RULE THE SCHOOL (like Heathers, minus the murdering spree); and I’d go out for sodas with my boyfriend, Dwayne Wayne, where I would invariably learn life lessons about premarital sex or regular dental check-ups.   I was a craptastic loser.



No, not Hitler:  tramp stamps!  Hey, are you a history buff, or a longtime fan of Hitler?  Do you love collecting stamps?  Would you like to combine these two hobbies into something painful and permanent?  Do you enjoy being laughed at, or mocked?  Then we have the perfect tattoo for you.

Can it still be called a ‘slut tag’ if HITLER’S FACE is prominently featured?  I don’t imagine that slut is getting tagged too much; that would be a serious distraction. Although imagine the guy who gets turned on by a tattoo like this – like Jon Benet’s father.  It also kills me that it says ‘USA’ right underneath his Jew-killing jaw.  Not the brightest idea. Luckily, I don’t see tramp stamps very often anymore, a result of 1) going to cleaner lounges, 2) people always making fun of them, and 3) I don’t hang out with tramps as much. A good thing, yes, but without tramps, there are no tramp jokes. Heed that warning.


Written by sn0tteh

March 8, 2009 at 12:31 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

12 Responses

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  1. Last week I wore a pair of Crocs down to the parking garage to get something out of the car (they were Bryn’s that he never wears and were in a pile of clothes to donate). I hate, hate, HATE Crocs, and yet I found myself thinking, “Hey, these are actually really comfy! I could totally see why people love these things! They’re so easy to slip on and off and it feels like butter on my feet!”

    But I was pulled back to reality when I hadn’t taken them off yet and Bryn was like, “Did you wear those things OUT OF THE HOUSE!?!?!”


    March 8, 2009 at 3:54 AM

  2. You’re in luck! I have a pair of Crocs. Bright green. I fought the feeling for so long and then realized that my outdoors lifestyle LOVES them. So next time we see each other, I will wear my crocs just for you. And I really won’t care if you’re openly making fun of me! Heck, I’ll do it too!


    March 8, 2009 at 9:19 PM

  3. MANTHONY! Totally inappropriate. Tell people you had a stroke (that works for me every time, but I look like a heart attack waiting to happen).


    March 8, 2009 at 9:21 PM

  4. Lisa, you are one person who could wear them and not look like a total tool. But yes, I’ll make fun of you at some point. The problem is, I’m sure they’re *really* comfy, which is why I’m staying away from them. I’ve given up on various other things – hygiene, hair color, heels, makeup, waxing, soy products, and jewelery – I guess I just can’t take the extra step (no pun intended) and make the transition complete. But I had a love affair with athletic socks and Birkenstocks for a long time, so that’s a good equalizer.


    March 8, 2009 at 9:24 PM

  5. Did I mention they were bright red? I need to get them out of the house! Good suggestion on telling people I had a stroke if I’m ever seen in them. At least I didn’t actually LEAVE the building, right?

    I did the wool socks with Birkenstocks thing too. And blinding white socks with those stupid athletic sandals. Gross.


    March 9, 2009 at 1:21 AM

  6. If Facebook hadn’t uncouthly rejected me (I am serious, WTF, FB???), I would be so totally on thise groups like a fly on shit; especially the “I judge… poor grammar” and the Pluto one.
    I’m a Scorpio for fuck’s sake. Why’d the “scientists” take my planet away? Did they date some bitch born in late October/early November? I mean, I know that chick, and I understand, but DUDE.

    Scientists who think Pluto isn’t a planet are like Darth Vader blowing up Alderaan– and that makes me cry like Princess Leia.


    March 9, 2009 at 5:49 AM

  7. OMG Matt, you’re a hot fucking MESS.


    March 9, 2009 at 7:00 PM

  8. Soooooo totally.


    March 9, 2009 at 8:03 PM

  9. Wow, there’s a whole new aspect of the science vs. belief thing I hadn’t thought about. At least they aren’t saying that Pluto doesn’t exist, right? And they haven’t blown it up. Yet.


    March 9, 2009 at 10:05 PM

  10. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I look like a dumbass all the time. Whether or not I’m wearing Crocs is besides the point. What I DON’T like about my Crocs is the sound they make on tile. After a while they start sticking to them, so it’s as though I’m walking around with gum stuck to the bottom of my shoes. (Oh, wait a minute…)

    Oh, and I think I’m the only person left on the planet who was unaware that Pluto had been taken off the planet list. Der-dee-der.

  11. Yep! And Peter… Fasinelli? Or whatever her husband’s name is. And all of their Stepford children. Gah, FAIL on the celebrity gossip – I used to know this stuff.


    March 12, 2009 at 6:54 PM

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