Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Divorcetown, Population: Everyone

with 18 comments

I know how much I’ve complained about the people in my life getting married – ALL 15 COUPLES – but now I know five couples getting divorced (or who have this year/been in the process), and that’s a billion times worse. I guess it’s just statistics, but WOW.

Navigating the minefield of someone’s break-up is like walking the plank with good intentions: either way, somebody’s going to drown, and why should that person be me? Currently, I’m friends with three of the split couples (meaning I’m still friends with both parties); I was never friends with the jerkoff husband of Couple #4; and sadly, I’ve taken a side with the last couple due to a lack of honesty and integrity on one person’s part, meaning I had to forsake a friendship. No skin off my teeth – I want mentally balanced, healthy, warm individuals in my life – if only so I can go on being the opposite.

It’s hard to be in the middle, but it’s also hard staying out of it. There’s a weird, neutral balance I have to prepare myself for, but since I’m all about EXTREMES, that’s difficult, too.  I want to be supportive, sensitive, non-judgmental, open-minded; I also want to bury my head in the sand and wait for everything to work itself out. Actually, that’s how I feel about life in general sometimes. And by ‘sometimes,’ I mean every minute I’m breathing.

Out of the five couples, two of them are divorcing over a partner being unfaithful – and this former cheater has suddenly found herself knee-deep in Old Issues From The Past, and talking about herself in third person. When my friend told me yesterday that she and her husband were splitting up, I sat in front of this computer and cried FOR HOURS. I cried like it was my own parents divorcing, weeping my head off until there were no distinguishable features left on my face. Ever since then, I’ve been cloaked in a feeling of ‘meh’ – I’m so uneasy – and resenting the fact that I have to deal with my shit.  Again.  And again.  Andagainandagainandagain.  Until the end of fucking Time.

And now it’s snowing and I just want to stab someone.

I said to my friend, “Don’t you wish there were do-overs in life?  I would do so many things differently.”  And yet I don’t regret a lot in my life.   I just want unlimited do-overs, forever and ever, Amen.  I just want to forget I was ever married or that marriage exists, I want a RESET button, I want a real-life version of  CTRL + ALT + DEL.  Who do I talk to about that kind of thing – God?  Obama?  Chuck Norris?  How about the cat that won’t cop out when danger’s all about?  I’m talking ’bout Shaft.  You can dig it.

Marriage is hard, and you never know what someone’s relationship is *really* like.  One couple was The Dream Team, people I’d looked to as a shining example of what I wanted in the future – so to think they’d been unhappy the whole time I’d known them was devastating.  I took it really personally.  I almost felt like *we* were breaking up, which was kind of true – the friendships we made together will look different from now on.  When a couple splits, the innocent bystanders (or, in myself and KJ’s case, hopeful starry-eyed cheerleaders) either get caught in the ensuing clusterfuck, or remove themselves completely.   I want to be there for all of my friends, but I don’t really know how.  And I really can’t stop bawling about this.

So many things are coming up for me – my own divorce, my own philandering – and I’m remembering my own severe isolation after our divorce.  I had a few friends who directly asked me if I needed help or inquired how I was doing, but for the most part, people vanished from whatever planet I was living on at the time; Earth, I think.  Friends I’d had for years:  just… nothing.   Or they’d avoid me completely – even friends I lived with in the same building (not you, Kyle).   After a whole month of silence from many corners in my life, including my family, I was finally told that some people didn’t believe we were really getting divorced – essentially, they were waiting to see if we’d follow-through before having an opinion, taking a side, or offering support.  Hey,  we were always being dramatic and screamy and stupid – I’m the first to admit that – but it was a really rough way to find out who my real friends were.  There weren’t a lot left standing after that, to be quite honest, and the ones that were moved away.   I lost a lot of respect for some people I really loved, and it took a while to get over.

That being said, I don’t know how ‘over’ it I am if all these divorces are setting me off, and I’m still watering a giant seed of resentment towards my divorce from three years ago.  Especially since I’m in a relationship that’s totally different now – I don’t like re-living terrible things, because my life isn’t about terrible things anymore.  Even so, I clearly have some work to do.  I’m glad this stuff is coming up, so I can deal with it and move forward.

But first:  a mid-morning nap.  That’s how I deal.


Written by sn0tteh

March 7, 2009 at 6:48 PM

18 Responses

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  1. I guess my divorce was totally different cause of the whole gayness thing. We are friends and appreciate each other more because we are able to be our true selves seperately. We were pretty good together but we are better apart.

    I am sad about one of the couples you are talking about also….it was very shocking to me. Just goes to show that things are not always what they seem. Ever since my parents had an almost divorce, then I had my own, I have come to realize that more often than not, nothing is forever.

    One good thing….if you never get married (which the gays can’t anyways) you can’t get divorced.


    March 7, 2009 at 7:13 PM

  2. You’re a beautiful, grounded person, Marika. I’m sorry that we’re one of your statistics, believe me.

    So very sorry.

    Love you.


    March 7, 2009 at 7:37 PM

  3. Actually it’s CTRL+Z for undo (open apple+Z on real computers)


    March 7, 2009 at 11:47 PM

  4. Didn’t want undo – I wanted Control-Alt-Delete. That way, I can shut down everything. Torch the sucker. Fuck Apples.


    March 8, 2009 at 12:33 AM

  5. Two things:

    Sounds like these events happening (weddings and divorces) to people you care about might force you to deal with some difficult issues of your own. Best of luck with that! Oprah would be proud. And I know that would only make you want to throw a bucket of chicken at her.

    The other thing is a completely unrelated question. Are all of the Michelle Obama magazine covers creeping you out yet? I personally can’t stand them, and not because I don’t like her, but because I have the sneaking suspicion that she’s untrustworthy. She gives off an extremely “Jane Park” vibe to me in all of her photos. I hope I’m wrong about that.


    March 8, 2009 at 3:49 AM

  6. Manthony, she gives off a Jane Punk vibe (ha, reminds me of Patience), but I also think she doesn’t take great photos. Even the best photos of her are still pretty… mouthy and severe. She’s angular or something – or maybe you’re right. I try not to look at magazines lately, because they’re just another thing I love that I cannot afford. We need a day out to B&N or something!


    March 8, 2009 at 9:54 PM

  7. You dirty Apple-fucker.


    March 9, 2009 at 5:52 AM

  8. I love you Marika. 🙂


    March 9, 2009 at 3:35 PM

  9. I ❤ YOU. 😉


    March 9, 2009 at 4:01 PM

  10. Found you through random clicking (no, that was not a euphamism for “looking for porn”), and just wanted to say I get it, and I understand. My divorce not only caused me to realize who my real friends were (only two stuck with me) but also realize how bat-shit-crazy my family is, since they sort of rejected me, too. AND NOW, one set of friends wants to know if I want to hang out this summer with the old group of friends and I’m like, uh, fuck no. Seriously, these people literally could not be bothered to even send a text like, “I’m thinking about you” and now you want us to hang out. No. No and no.
    Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say, “thanks” and, nice blog!


    March 9, 2009 at 8:43 PM

  11. Hey, I appreciate the comment – and glad to find someone like-minded. Thanks for the blog love – I’ll check yours out today!


    March 9, 2009 at 9:01 PM

  12. That’s the best way, I guess – staying friends (for real friends). I’m glad you and Julianna found each other.


    March 9, 2009 at 9:02 PM

  13. I’m sorry you were, too – but also feel like you’re both ready for a new, big adventure. I’m glad I can be a part of both – thank you for being so cool.


    March 9, 2009 at 9:03 PM



    March 9, 2009 at 9:03 PM

  15. Divorce is one of those things nobody wants to know much about, like an STD. Even though you know you should tell the person you love that you once had one, it’s really super hard to bring yourself to admitting to it for fear that perspectives might change. Does that make sense?

    Anyway, I’m proud of you for facing your painful past head-on. It shows how strong you really are (and you really are strong!), and it shows that you’ve become a better person as a result. A gazillion kudos to you, my friend.

  16. Sorry – just had a freakout last night.

    Deleted everybody from FB, just can’t stand to see any more pictures – felt that everybody was unsympathetic to me.

    Anyway, if you’ll have me…i’ll accept you as a friend (same for the esq).


    March 12, 2009 at 8:55 PM

  17. Oh the irony of this post and how it relates to MY life RIGHT now….is slapping me in the face. My tear stained sad sad face.


    March 24, 2009 at 4:43 PM

  18. I really wish it didn’t – truly. 😦


    March 24, 2009 at 4:54 PM

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