Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Yelp, A Bartender, And Me

with 6 comments

The Great White American Hope

The Great White American Hope

Chow Foods has some great restaurants, but this Yelp review is all about 5 Spot bartender, MATT.

Matt is omnipotent-flavored, Mom-approved, and stalwart in his duties as Your Personal Bartender. My girlfriends and I sat at the bar for breakfast and were entertained for hours by how entertaining and mattress-worthy Matt was: a true gentleman, mixed with cowboy sensibilities, and cloaked in mystery with a somewhat ‘sexy suicidal professor’ vibe that emo chicks and UW students really dig around here. Round glasses, messy hair, the power of levitation, a guitar, a tortured soul, and no ass: the quintessential Seattle musician-slash-bartender, except this one’s actually talented. Check out the killer menus: Matt designs them. He’s like the guy you didn’t know you should be worshiping – but now, thanks to this review, you’re no longer in the dark. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Matt also makes a mean hot chocolate, and by that I mean it punched me in the face, but it was totally worth it – and the breakfast food was awesome, too. Matt jumped, cawed, flirted, danced, floated, spun, cartwheeled, beat-boxed, sang, Twittered, threw lightning bolts, and delivered us the sun in just two short hours; he made me want to like Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail’ again, he made me want to have shaggy-haired babies in hipster t-shirts, he made me feel like getting creative with wild abandon. Whether poking fun at a regular, rocking your mom’s socks off, or adorning his head with a crown of thorns, Matt will delight you immeasurably, and make you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend just EVER so slightly. I kind of wanted to dump Matt in maple syrup and systematically eat him, that’s how great he was. All this for under fifteen bucks? A STEAL.

Just like Jesus, Matt walks on water, heals the sick, and tends to the poor with bacon and booze… my favorite kind of deity. Get yourself healed today.

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Written by sn0tteh

March 3, 2009 at 3:28 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Oh.
    My.
    God.

    I’ll never be able to go to work again…

    Matt

    March 3, 2009 at 3:45 AM

  2. Also, the top “possibly unrelated post” for this entry reads simply, “Blah.”

    Matt

    March 3, 2009 at 4:43 AM

  3. You really won’t.

    sn0tteh

    March 3, 2009 at 4:56 PM

  4. First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

    —————————-
    You Must Learn To Break The Fear Of Having Another Panic Attack Or You Will Never Experience Complete Freedom From Anxiety

    Mike

    March 3, 2009 at 5:03 PM

  5. AHA!

    Way to pimp a brother out!

    I dare say, I do agree with every word you said! Matt is simply fantastic.

    Sara Rose

    March 4, 2009 at 4:14 AM

  6. He really, really is – as are we! We’re the best passengers he could ever have, although that makes no sense.

    sn0tteh

    March 4, 2009 at 4:42 AM


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