Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Yelp, A Bartender, And Me

with 6 comments

The Great White American Hope

The Great White American Hope

Chow Foods has some great restaurants, but this Yelp review is all about 5 Spot bartender, MATT.

Matt is omnipotent-flavored, Mom-approved, and stalwart in his duties as Your Personal Bartender. My girlfriends and I sat at the bar for breakfast and were entertained for hours by how entertaining and mattress-worthy Matt was: a true gentleman, mixed with cowboy sensibilities, and cloaked in mystery with a somewhat ‘sexy suicidal professor’ vibe that emo chicks and UW students really dig around here. Round glasses, messy hair, the power of levitation, a guitar, a tortured soul, and no ass: the quintessential Seattle musician-slash-bartender, except this one’s actually talented. Check out the killer menus: Matt designs them. He’s like the guy you didn’t know you should be worshiping – but now, thanks to this review, you’re no longer in the dark. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Matt also makes a mean hot chocolate, and by that I mean it punched me in the face, but it was totally worth it – and the breakfast food was awesome, too. Matt jumped, cawed, flirted, danced, floated, spun, cartwheeled, beat-boxed, sang, Twittered, threw lightning bolts, and delivered us the sun in just two short hours; he made me want to like Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail’ again, he made me want to have shaggy-haired babies in hipster t-shirts, he made me feel like getting creative with wild abandon. Whether poking fun at a regular, rocking your mom’s socks off, or adorning his head with a crown of thorns, Matt will delight you immeasurably, and make you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend just EVER so slightly. I kind of wanted to dump Matt in maple syrup and systematically eat him, that’s how great he was. All this for under fifteen bucks? A STEAL.

Just like Jesus, Matt walks on water, heals the sick, and tends to the poor with bacon and booze… my favorite kind of deity. Get yourself healed today.


Written by sn0tteh

March 3, 2009 at 3:28 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

6 Responses

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  1. Oh.

    I’ll never be able to go to work again…


    March 3, 2009 at 3:45 AM

  2. Also, the top “possibly unrelated post” for this entry reads simply, “Blah.”


    March 3, 2009 at 4:43 AM

  3. You really won’t.


    March 3, 2009 at 4:56 PM

  4. First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

    You Must Learn To Break The Fear Of Having Another Panic Attack Or You Will Never Experience Complete Freedom From Anxiety


    March 3, 2009 at 5:03 PM

  5. AHA!

    Way to pimp a brother out!

    I dare say, I do agree with every word you said! Matt is simply fantastic.

    Sara Rose

    March 4, 2009 at 4:14 AM

  6. He really, really is – as are we! We’re the best passengers he could ever have, although that makes no sense.


    March 4, 2009 at 4:42 AM

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