Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Pain-ful Lyriqs and Muzyq

with 15 comments

T-Pain & Rick Ross: Pain-ful.

T-Pain & Rick Ross: Pain-ful.

So this is one of those situations where I tell you something funny about someone else (“I saw my boss standing in line at the ass vibrator store!”) and then OOPS have a whole lot of back-pedaling to do (“Wait, how did you ‘just happen’ to see your boss? Were you standing in line behind him?!”).  Let’s pretend I’ve flawlessly explained my way out of it (“My church was protesting the store’s Godless existence, and I was the lead picketer that day” – hey, it’s possible) and you mindless yokels have believed me (“Praise Jey-sus!”).  The story picks up here:

…and after typing “T-Pain’s wife” into the Google search bar (leadpicketerleadpicketer), this WikiAnswer page came up: ‘Who is faheem najm’s wife?’  I knew T-Pain’s real name was Faheem Najm from his Wikipedia page, although why I was there remains unknown.

I don’t know what I thought the page would feature – it could have been spam, or a celebrity blog, or both (those two generally go well together, like hookers and heroin) – but what I did not expect was an Oprah-loving stalker fan’s ‘Dear Diary’ therapy session clusterfuck**:

**Personal favorites are in bold.

Q: Who is Faheem Najm’s wife?

A: Faheem Najm, A.K.A. T-Pain, is married to Amber [Najm]. They have known each other for a long time. “I’m Sprung” was written for her. No other girl. Yes! I know almost everything about Faheem Najm. Feel free to ask me questions about him. I am the Faheem expert. Him and I actually know each other. We talked. I was happy when I got to talk to him. He said he loves me, but not in a personal way. He said not in a personal way, because he’s married. He is married. Yes. He is. He has a wife. He also has two kids. Their names are Lyriq and Muzyq. Yes. I know, they don’t have the most normal names, but that’s what Faheem wanted to name them. I might name my kid Faheem. I might spell it Phahym. That’s right! I like spelling things in unusual ways. So does Faheem. Look at how his children have their names spelled. I like their names. I like Faheem’s name. It is awesome! I want to name my kid Faheem, but I might want to spell it differently. That’s me. I am unusual, but still a very good person. Just like Faheem. I love Faheem. Yeah!

Great. Now I’m a Faheem expert.

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Written by sn0tteh

March 1, 2009 at 3:06 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , , , , ,

15 Responses

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  1. what in fuck.

    henchbot

    March 1, 2009 at 3:45 AM

  2. Indeed.

    sn0tteh

    March 1, 2009 at 4:38 AM

  3. Holy teeny-bopper STALKER! T-pain probably talked to this person in an attempt to get ’em to leave him the EFF alone!

  4. According to the (automatically generated) “Possibly related posts” linked by the helpful SNAP, “Embarassing names may lead to a life of crime.”

    This SNAP thing is almost as good as when you kept mentioning Jesus during the Primaries andGoogle ads for buttplugs showed up (or whatever)…

    Matt

    March 1, 2009 at 5:51 AM

  5. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

    Need I say more….

    (Lisa Bonet’s new childs name)

    Buttercup

    March 1, 2009 at 5:58 AM

  6. I have that one beat, but just barely. 🙂 Will share later. That is one godawful name (I thought it was a whole sentence). And they probably call the baby ‘Wolf’ or ‘Mo’.

    sn0tteh

    March 1, 2009 at 7:07 PM

  7. You love the buttplugs, I know you do. 🙂 The Esq clicked on the possibly related posts, too, and I was like WHAAAT. People are so fucking weird.

    sn0tteh

    March 1, 2009 at 7:08 PM

  8. I’ve got nothing but “Wow” for this one.

    Dorkys

    March 1, 2009 at 8:11 PM

  9. If only you could have said “Wow” but through an auto-tune, like T-Pain. 😛

    sn0tteh

    March 1, 2009 at 8:21 PM

  10. not nearly as original, but I seriously know someone whose name is Dick Hard. Can you imagine that job application coming to your desk, with the last name first. Let’s see here, we have hard dick applying as a HR manager, hmmmm

    Joan

    March 2, 2009 at 8:44 AM

  11. I think my friend Cory knows that guy, because that’s the same example he gave me a few days ago! Except he said Richard Hard, but whatevs. Parents are CRUEL.

    sn0tteh

    March 2, 2009 at 4:58 PM

  12. The Mariners once had a player named Dick Pole…

    Matt

    March 3, 2009 at 4:44 AM

  13. SHUT UP! I didn’t know that.

    sn0tteh

    March 3, 2009 at 4:57 PM

  14. Richard Henry (Dick) Pole (b. October 13, 1950 in Trout Creek, Michigan) is a former Major League Baseball player and the current Cincinnati Reds pitching coach. A right-handed pitcher, Pole was 6’3″ tall and weighed 210 pounds during his playing career.
    At the end of the 1976 season, Pole became one of the inaugural members of the Seattle Mariners franchise, as they selected him from the Red Sox with the seventh pick in the 1976 expansion draft. Pole spent 1977 and 1978 with the Mariners, but his performance was not up to the standard he had set in Boston, possibly due to effects from the injury. His most memorable moment with Seattle came on August 5, 1977, when he surrendered Reggie Jackson’s 300th career home run. On March 24, 1979, Pole was released.

    Matt

    March 4, 2009 at 6:53 AM

  15. and according to wikipedia:
    “Pole’s name is often treated in humorous fashion by sports columnists and pundits because both his first and last names are euphemisms for Penis.”

    Matt

    March 4, 2009 at 6:54 AM


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