Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal


with 8 comments

(More comics like this can be seen on Natalie Dee’s webpage.)

I am a big fan/complainer of Facebook and its amusing/hateful applications. One hugely viral success is the “25 Things About Me” phenomenon that is sweeping the website. Here’s how it works:

1. You write 25 things about yourself so people can get to know you better.
2. You tag Facebook friends so they have to suffer, too.
3. You post it, and wait for comments about how interesting you are.

I resisted; I’m not a big fan of chain mail, and I don’t have 25 things I’d like to share about myself with people I haven’t seen since high school. So I waited for an idea to hit me – I wanted a different take on it, and to ever-so-slightly offend people. Today inspiration struck, and I wanted to share it on the blog, too.


1. A girl, as in “Oh em gee, you’re such a silly GIRL!” I was called this by another girl, who I in turn called a gutless, twat-flavored cow.

2. A whore. The girl who threw this insult my way was sleeping with my boyfriend at the time. I think we all knew who the whore was at that point.

3. A heathen. A favorite insult that’s been randomly–and anonymously–hurled at me through my blog’s comment section. Judgment brought to you by: the atheism-hater.

4. A negro. I guess we all look alike. Except I’m Samoan.

5. Satan’s Evil CumDumpstress. This is the Very Specific Nickname my son’s father gave me after we broke up. I’d never been compared to a waste receptacle before, so this was creative. If only he’d shown a modicum of creativity when we were together.

6. A funsponge. I heard this from an old client, who was talking about the 22-year old blond secretary her friend’s husband took off with. I can now pick out a funsponge from four miles away, and use the word liberally when describing them (it’s easy when we live so close to University of Washington).

7. “See You Next Tuesday.” Sure, I’ve been called a cunt, many times over–but I figure my mom raised me, so she can say what she wants.

8. A Republican. I called my boyfriend that on the street one horrible day. WITH GREAT FEELING.

9. I once heard a girlfriend say something about Britney Spears being a ‘sperm-burping gutterslut’ (was that you, Jen G?), and then a few years later, someone called *me* that. Jokingly, one hopes.

10. Close to the end of our marriage, I told my ex-husband he was like an albatross around my neck, but I stole the line from a movie–I just can’t remember which one. The line worked nicely.

11. A mad fat cow. To which I responded, your boyfriend seems to enjoy dancing with a mad fat cow over his crazy fat bitch of a girlfriend. And then we boxed, and then I won.

12. I told my son to go poop on a stick. This was better than telling him to go fuck himself, which is how I was feeling at the time. Parenting takes more editing than a goddamn newspaper.

13. I told someone once that he had an exceptionally feeble-minded penis. All he heard was the word ‘exceptional’. Selective hearing at its’ finest.

14. I told my blog readers they were all AIDS-worthy fuckoffs last weekend. Because I care.

15. I love my boyfriend’s favorite insult: fuckbucket.

16. A coconut. Brown on the outside, white on the inside. I know: original.

17. “Brownie.” Patrick Eltrich, a kid I can only describe as ‘ugly and unloved by his parents,’ called me Brownie all through third grade. I understood he was being rude, but I also wanted to be IN the Brownies (a troop thing that all my friends belonged to), so I was never insulted, only very confused.

18. A racist. I’ve heard people exclaim, “How could you possibly be racist when you’re a minority yourself?!” And my answer is: easily. You’ve obviously never met any older Chinese people. Oh. My. God.

19. A fraud. At the time I was writing a hot check, so you could really *taste* the irony.

20. “I remain unconvinced you are actually female, due to your outrageous views on abortion.” This came from a blog reader, who wanted to pray for my dangerous, ungodly take on social and political issues. There are plenty of pro-choice males out there, and I’m pretty sure they’re still male. I wrote back, offering to send a photo of my ladyparts for her to use at their next prayer gathering. Sadly, I did not hear back.

21. A stupid bloody wanker. This I shouted at a kid dressed in an entire outfit made from a British flag on Pine Street in Seattle – he bumped into me and I fell onto one knee, but he didn’t even look back. When I yelled at him, he turned around and flipped me off. Like a stupid bloody wanker.

22. I once called Amy Winehouse a used human ashtray, which is still true.

23. This one time? In Tacoma? I cut off one sleeve of everything my husband owned, including suits. Did he deserve it? Kind of. Not really. Am I laughing right now? Yes. HARD.

24. Although I love the F-word more than carbs or gold, the best insult I’ve ever heard was something my boyfriend was called by a customer over the phone: a knobby-headed joker.

25. My half-sisters joke about how fat and strange and independent I supposedly am. I’m not offended. I just remind them they’re the biggest joke of all:  Mormons.

Written by sn0tteh

February 5, 2009 at 11:02 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

8 Responses

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  1. Ironically, the only one I didn’t “get” was the last one. And I just *know* it’s going to be a Der-Dee-Der moment. 😉

    I loved this take on the “25 Things” list. I heart me some snarky Snotty!

  2. old chinese ladies have got to be the most racist people on the planet, although, as far as the planet is concerned, they’re hardly minorities.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    February 6, 2009 at 10:54 AM

  3. That’s okay – you’re not the kind of Mormon I would insult, anyways. 🙂


    February 6, 2009 at 4:50 PM

  4. I am constantly amazed by how proud they are of their racism. I’ve heard “All black people on Earth are lazy” by more than ten old Chinese ladies. They’re hardcore, they’ll tell anyone. They think they’re warning other “good” people about the inherently “bad” people – and it’s always black people, weirdly.


    February 6, 2009 at 4:52 PM

  5. I thoroughly enjoyed your take on this. I love to learn new insults.

    Furtive Flatulence

    February 8, 2009 at 7:47 PM

  6. Thanks – if I’m going to do them, I have to make them fun!


    February 9, 2009 at 4:12 AM

  7. And delicious!

    Furtive Flatulence

    February 11, 2009 at 2:14 PM

  8. YOU’RE delicious. 🙂


    February 11, 2009 at 4:44 PM

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