Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Fine Line Between ‘Happy’ and ‘Bitter’

with 19 comments

I’m getting a little tired of writing “OMG! Congratulations on your engagement! I’m so happy for you two!” on everybody’s Facebook pages. I’m not being uncharitable. I’m just being a bitch.

Yesterday, my friend Carly got engaged – ohemgee! congrats! so happy! – and she is the TWELFTH PERSON I know who’s been asked The Big One this past year. That’s twelve happy couples, most of them getting married in 2009 or 2010. Statistically speaking, half of these couples will be divorced within five years, but I like to think these twelve will make it, and twelve *other* couples – people from Australia, Florida, Mars – will ultimately fail. I won’t win any points wishing divorce upon people (or Martians), but I’m fairly certain folks wished for my inevitable divorce, which was the best thing that ever happened to my ex-husband. It was good for me, too, but terrifying; I’d never been alone before. Through my sobbing I heard a thousand trumpets heralding his departure, so I figured that was a good sign.

NO, I AM NOT JEALOUS OF MY FRIENDS. NUH-UH. AM NOT. A little.

We can’t afford toilet paper, much less a wedding; we’re so broke, we can’t afford to dream about a different kind of life. Lately I’ve started making handwritten lists of activities I used to do, food I used to eat, things I used to buy; it’s provocative like a love letter, wistful like a love lost. It’s like a Hope Chest:  the ‘I sure fucking HOPE we can do these things again someday’ Hope Chest. So, a wedding is a no-go. Plus, it’s still early – if I know my boyfriend, I’d say we’re at about half-time in the Big Game, maybe even a time-out in the third quarter. I don’t know why I’m using football references. I guess so he won’t understand what I’m talking about.

I don’t object to marriage, or any of these specific couples getting married – again, OMG! w00t! happy! – I’m just astounded by the timing. If there ever was an onslaught of marital bliss, a veritable avalanche of shindiggery, a slew of receptions from which to do regrettable things, THIS IS IT. Couldn’t they have staggered their collective happiness into something easier for me to emotionally and financially handle? Yeah, that’s right, you couples should have been thinking about my needs. HOW DARE YOU. The audacity of your inherent happiness offends me, sir, it surely does. What? I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

It’s hard enough to come up with funds for a wedding shower gift, bachelorette party debauchery, wedding gift, the inevitable baby shower gift that comes a year later – but twelve times over? I CAN’T EVEN COUNT THAT HIGH. That being said, congratulations to all of my newly-betrothed friends:  I hope you enjoy your wedding gifts of stolen single-ply toilet paper and hastily-handwritten wishlists. If you’re lucky, I’ll throw in a dream for free. Maybe this one:

I had a dream last night that I was Britney Spears, performing a song at The Showbox in downtown Seattle, with back-up dancers who turned out to be drag queens. Is this a sign that my life is finally in the shitter? Or was it a cosmic message about a possible future career as a drag queen back-up dancer? Don’t knock it; I’ll pretty much do anything at this point.

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Written by sn0tteh

February 3, 2009 at 4:16 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

19 Responses

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  1. It was a cosmic message about a possible future career WITH a drag queen back-up dancer. You’ll be their agent.

    Furtive Flatulence

    February 3, 2009 at 7:30 PM

  2. So true. You know everything.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 7:47 PM

  3. Glad you opened up comments on this one – don’t let ’em get you down, girl! I love this blog, which is why I keep coming back 😉

    I’m sure you’ll get proposed to and then this will turn into a wedding blog. LOL

    Tobias!

    February 3, 2009 at 7:48 PM

  4. There is so much truth in that last statement. SO. MUCH.

    Any girl who gets engaged turns her blog into a wedding site, DUH. 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 7:49 PM

  5. bitter much? lol

    you sound like my gf, only less screechy.

    will.eye.am

    February 3, 2009 at 7:50 PM

  6. I personally can’t wait for you two to get hitched. The blog post on that one will make me laugh til I die, I’m sure.

    I meant that in a good way. XO

    -Stacey

    Anonymous

    February 3, 2009 at 7:50 PM

  7. will –

    don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? *whip* don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me? dontcha.

    you do. asshat. :p

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 7:52 PM

  8. Stacey: it will be the shortest blog post in history.

    “I do. He do. We do. Jello shots!”

    But more eloquent.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 7:53 PM

  9. Obviously Stacey has not heard about your first wedding ceremony.

    Kiki

    February 3, 2009 at 9:10 PM

  10. People are getting engaged because they have HOPE now. 😛

    Buttercup

    February 3, 2009 at 9:29 PM

  11. Kiki, not even *you* were there to prove it ever happened.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 10:09 PM

  12. Weddings are a huge expense all around. Stay strong. Write them each a nice poem. You can do it Snotty.

    Comedy Goddess

    February 4, 2009 at 1:00 AM

  13. Comedy Goddess: methinks you’re onto something. But I’m taking even a lazier step and doing HAIKUS. Fewer words that way.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 4, 2009 at 2:04 AM

  14. Always ignore the first engagement… it’s just practice.

    Cowguy

    February 4, 2009 at 2:34 AM

  15. That’s what I did! Good advice, I’ll pass it on.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 4, 2009 at 2:50 AM

  16. I’m with Will on this one.

    Of course, you could always channel said bitterness into something more constructive. Like being a villainess on a reality television show.

    Manthony

    February 4, 2009 at 8:55 PM

  17. Super villain!

    sn0tteh

    February 4, 2009 at 9:58 PM

  18. I’m getting secretly married. I must be the only woman on the face of the earth who isn’t wearing a dress or forcing people to bring me things made of paper.

    LOLOLOLOL@facebook engagement announcements. omg, if I didn’t hear about it from you in person then we’re not close enough for me to give a crap that you’re getting engaged.

    but then again i am also a really big bitch ♥

    konichiwa, bitches.

    February 4, 2009 at 10:00 PM

  19. The big ones make the best bitches, in my opinion. Getting secretly married isn’t an option for us unless we secretly get pregnant, which is also not an option for us. Luckily, my eggs are as lazy as my work ethic.

    sn0tteh

    February 4, 2009 at 10:16 PM


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