Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

My Craig’s List Ad

with 16 comments

Fab!

Photo:  I’m selling these Linea Paolo’s and another pair on Craig’s List; the other pair were too teal and blingy for me to publicly claim.

Ad entitled: ***ARE YOU AN ORC?  OR PERHAPS HALF-GIANT?***

Are you related to Hagrid from the Harry Potter series? Were your ancestors jolly, green, or giant in any way?

Are you a big girl with no fear of heights, or an even bigger drag queen with fabulous taste in shoes? DO YOU HAVE ENORMOUS FEET?

If you answered ‘Yes!’ to any of these questions, then I have the shoes for you!

I bought these 3-inch heels (size 13–I’m a 12, but they’re small) in a feeble attempt at warding off my thirties, but here I am at thirty-two: that plan failed miserably. They’re adorable and super fun–but only to look at. The punchline is: I paid over $300 for these two pairs of Linea Paolo heels, but I never actually wore them. Well, I wore the black ruffly ones to The Mercury on Capitol Hill, but you know how their gothy patrons dress; no way could those shoes compete with the Glittery Emo Parade in such dark and smoky quarters. I learned something valuable that night, something I will never, ever forget: fat people and peeptoe shoes have parallel purposes in life. Much like in Ghostbusters, you should never cross the streams.

Make me an offer I won’t refuse. They’re very cute, but I’m never going to wear them; I’ve made my peace with kitten heels and Frisbie-sized flats. Buy my shoes and take them out dancing! Your feet, and my kicks, deserve it.

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Written by sn0tteh

January 31, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

16 Responses

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  1. This is by far THE best ad I’ve ever read. EVER. 🙂

    Princess Consuela Bananahammock

    February 1, 2009 at 2:07 AM

  2. Cute shoes! I myself am neither Orc nor half giant. I wear an 7 1/2 -8 depending on the shoe. Perfectly average.

    Buttercup

    February 1, 2009 at 7:41 PM

  3. I would like to add my feet are just about the only thing on my body that look cute in just about anything I put on.

    I have the body of an Orc and the feet of a princess.

    Buttercup

    February 1, 2009 at 7:43 PM

  4. Thanks, Princess 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 1, 2009 at 8:17 PM

  5. Buttercup, you do not have the… hold on, I’m thinking about it.

    Nope, you do not have the body of an ORC–I DO. But you have the feet (and mind) of a princess. Lucky.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 1, 2009 at 8:20 PM

  6. Holy shit, girl, this is hilarious. You should flag it for Best Of Craigslist!

    Tobias!

    February 2, 2009 at 12:51 AM

  7. I forgot about Best Of… but I generally don’t enjoy those, so I’m not too motivated in that direction. Some people can write, but for the most part, it’s pure shit.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 2, 2009 at 12:51 AM

  8. This reminds me of your Ylep reviews–you should do more of them!

    -Geoff

    Anonymous

    February 2, 2009 at 12:52 AM

  9. Oops, sorry: Yelp.

    (If you’re anything like me, spelling counts!)

    -Geoff

    Anonymous

    February 2, 2009 at 12:54 AM

  10. I appreciate it more than you know, Geoff. 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 2, 2009 at 12:54 AM

  11. Snotty, I was going to comment on the newer post, but there is no comment button…

    😦

    AV
    http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
    http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

    Argentum Vulgaris

    February 2, 2009 at 7:37 PM

  12. That’s on purpose – but thanks for commenting anyways! 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 2, 2009 at 7:52 PM

  13. I know ya turned off ya comments for your next post, but I just have to say.

    FREAKING REFRESHING!!!

    SweetPeaSurry

    February 2, 2009 at 11:39 PM

  14. SweetPea, thanks. Liked your blog, too, about to go comment 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    February 3, 2009 at 12:04 AM

  15. Just came over by way of — actually, I don’t even remember where I came from — but you seem to be having a very bad blog day. Me, too, kind of. Hang in there, and remember that even negative comments mean people are reading your work.

    Jeanne

    February 3, 2009 at 1:02 AM

  16. whatever. the people who hate ME (there are many) don’t bother to leave comments on my blog, they just ignore me.
    at least someone pays attentions to you…

    matt

    February 3, 2009 at 7:08 AM


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