Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Dungeons & Dragons & Charlie Sheen

with 11 comments

I volunteered yesterday at my favorite space travel supply company, and ran into a conundrum: the kid I was working with was totally working me. I’ve tutored Cameron before, and he’s delightfully unfocused due to Asperger’s Syndrome. I enjoy talking with him, even if I never get to do any of the talking. Because he doesn’t recognize a lot of social cues, he just steamrolls right over anything I might say, and answers his own questions with more questions that he can’t wait to answer. This is okay with me; I find him freakishly adorable.

Sometimes, though, kids can get borderline unhealthy attachments, or they start seeing you as more of a peer. After we finished his homework, Cameron began drawing a picture of a King and Queen, ruling over a Lord of the Rings-type country. QUITE INNOCENTLY, I asked him what the picture was for. Apparently, it was for me.

Snotty: So tell me about this picture you’re drawing.
Cam: Well, it’s a King and Queen, and they live in a warring country, but they’re good rulers.
Snotty: And what are their names?
Cam: It’s you and me!
Snotty: ….really?
Cam: Yeah! We RULE. Get it? WE RULE, like royalty rules.
Snotty: Riiiiiight. Gotcha.
Cam: So do you still have a boyfriend?
Snotty: YEP.
Cam: And do you still like people who play video games?
Snotty: Um. Yes?
Cam: What’s your last name?
Snotty: W-why?
Cam: So I can friend you on Facebook!
Snotty: Oh, ah… well, see – I only use Facebook… professionally.
Cam: What’s your profession?
Snotty: Um – commercial real estate.

Yep. Commercial real estate. I can help you with all of your commercial real estate needs, whatever those may entail. I can also help you tell outrageous lies to the youth of tomorrow, if that’s in any way helpful.

What, I panicked – I don’t need any Mary Kay Letourneau parallels. I’m cool with the status quo.

Cameron continued to ramble on, and I was thankful he never asked for my last name again; it would be too weirdly inappropriate to ever have him as a Facebook friend, especially since he’s approaching ‘young man’ territory (I think he’s 13). He talked and talked and talked and talked, stopping only once to say, “Ewwwwww. There’s a hair in my mouth.” Fascinating stuff.

Cam: Remember me talking about Dungeons & Dragons a lot?
Snotty: So much that I don’t remember a time before it, actually.

The only thing he talked about more than Dungeons & Dragons was the Charlie Sheen sitcom, Two and a Half Men. Normally, when someone says “Oh, I’ve never seen that show,” what they really mean is THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I’M EVER WATCHING THAT CRAP. When I told Cameron that I’d never seen it – in a snooty voice that more-than-implied my disdain for situational comedies starring a dud like Charlie Sheen – he took it upon himself to act out every scene he could possibly remember. Then? He quizzed me:Β  What was Charlie Sheen’s character name on the show? DUH. CHARLIE!!! What was Charlie’s most unlikable trait to women? OH, C’MON – he never remembers their names!!! Hork. This kid is going to be writing terrible fan-fiction about Charlie Sheen one day… which is probably the saddest sentence I have ever written.

Kids are great.


Written by sn0tteh

January 28, 2009 at 3:28 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

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11 Responses

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  1. Do you have anything to do with the Dave Eggers project? I saw him on and was amazed! Good for you hanging in there with Cameron!

    Comedy Goddess

    January 28, 2009 at 6:29 PM

  2. Yeah, 826Seattle is the non-profit org that Dave Eggers started, although he started the one in San Fran. There are seven around the country–I tutor on Tuesdays, and it’s a blast!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 28, 2009 at 7:56 PM

  3. Hilarious. You don’t seem like a commercial real estate agent. πŸ˜‰


    January 28, 2009 at 7:56 PM

  4. Well, I am *now* anyways. πŸ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 28, 2009 at 7:57 PM

  5. Someone’s got a booooyfrieeeend. LOL


    January 28, 2009 at 7:57 PM

  6. *Stunned into silence*


    January 29, 2009 at 3:42 AM

  7. I'll take that to be a moment of silence for Dungeons & Dragons.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 29, 2009 at 5:22 PM

  8. seriously funny


    January 29, 2009 at 5:23 PM

  9. Seriously.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 29, 2009 at 5:23 PM

  10. Marika and Cameron, sitting in a tree…


    January 30, 2009 at 6:05 AM


    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 30, 2009 at 4:17 PM

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