Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Honey Cake

with 17 comments

My depression, which I’ve named David Beckham, demands that I bake him delicious treats on a regular basis; he would also like to find the bottom of a whiskey barrel, but that’s not good for his eye-blisteringly hot body. So today, I found the perfect medium: whiskey cake!

Yes, whiskey cake: two items that would please your old Southern grandpappy, a stable of bums, and all the Jews on your grandmother’s side. It’s a traditional honey cake eaten on the Jewish New Year by God’s Chosen People. I lifted the recipe from Smitten Kitchen, which can be found here. If you’re like me, you can’t get enough of those tasty kosher treats, and I hope you’re thinking to yourself, WOW – maybe I can bake stuff just like Snotty without rhyme or reason, too!

I’ve had honey cake before, and it’s a wonderful tease for a foodie:  it looks hearty, moist, sticky, flavorful, and sweet. What it usually isn’t: hearty, moist, sticky, flavorful, or sweet. It generally tastes like the inside of a vacuum bag that’s been dunked in sweet mothballs, or a spicy cloth bandage still attached to the scab. The potential of honey cake – even the name honey cake sounds like sunshiney sweetness and the promise of a new spring day – never lives up to the hype, much like me and college, me and weight loss, me and my crappy English. So I was happy when Smitten Kitchen adapted a recipe that would ultimately confound and delight me, while also living up to its sugary namesake.

I was happy until I saw the recipe.  I’m not Jewish – although I’m a HUGE fan, HUGE – so the word ‘kosher’ doesn’t really register. Whenever I see KOSHER on a package that isn’t Hebrew National Hot Dogs, my eyes glaze over like I’m in Sunday school Hebrew school school. I never understood the whole kashrut thing but, in a nutshell, it’s a religious rule over the types of food the Jews can consume. Like they can eat happy cows that get slaughtered in a very specific way, but not unhappy cows that are murdered in their beds – something weird, I wasn’t really listening.  I love me some Jews, but thanks for making an already sketchy and barely-understandable subject like religion way more complicated than it needs to be.

Recipe FAIL:  this recipe included everything under the sun except butter. I had a small, butter-manufacturing cow when I saw that. Hey, maybe I like my cows angry, and my cakes moist and bad for me. No butter? What’s the point of making dessert if it’s not going to induce heart attacks, or at the very least, dangerously-high cholesterol? I looked at the recipe again, and saw that vegetable oil was in the mix, as was honey, orange juice, warm coffee, vanilla, and that time-honored Kentucky tradition: whiskey. All this crap, each ingredient a strain on the stomach lining, and yet no butter? What kind of immoral eating habits are you teaching your poor starving children, JEWS?  No fucking butter?!

Yeah, I freaked out. I felt like I was creating a one-armed person – sure,  you can live without an arm and it’s not that gross when compared to something like a flesh-eating virus, but still – I’d feel weird every now and then. Like I’d had the chance to make a ‘normal’ person but decided to fuck with them instead. NO FUCKING BUTTER?! COME ON.

Anyways:  the whiskey cake. It was good:   spicy, sweet, tangy, rich, light, moist, made with love and a quarter-cup of whiskey. It was even good without butter, which was generously slathered on a few slices later – by each and every one of us – in an unplanned act of Gentile food defiance.


17 Responses

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  1. So glad you added butter. Its never too late.


    January 14, 2009 at 6:43 PM

  2. “A spicy cloth bandage still clinging to a dusty scab” makes this goyims mouth water.

    Furtive Flatulence

    January 14, 2009 at 7:39 PM

  3. Manthony, I added it for you; it’s the baking version of pouring one out for your homie. Even when they’re still living.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 14, 2009 at 10:59 PM

  4. I figured you would like the dusty scab.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 14, 2009 at 11:00 PM

  5. You’re a honeycake.


    January 14, 2009 at 11:00 PM

  6. You’re a honeycake.


    January 14, 2009 at 11:00 PM

  7. You’re a towel.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 14, 2009 at 11:02 PM

  8. That’s hilarious–I’m related to the Jews, and have never had a good honey cake. I will definitely try this and weigh in with my opinion! 🙂 Oh, my mother would be offended a good five times by this post–which I consider a success!



    January 14, 2009 at 11:09 PM

  9. Yo, JAP–you’re by far my favorite acronym. 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 14, 2009 at 11:10 PM

  10. As a Jew, I’m mildly offended, but as Jew-hater (hi mom!), I’m tickled pink.


    January 14, 2009 at 11:11 PM

  11. LOL NotteJoo, I love your screen name.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 14, 2009 at 11:12 PM

  12. I want the recipe. Not the scabby one, though. Funny thing about scabs… they aren’t quite that appetizing. I know, major shock.

    Princess Consuela Bananahammock

    January 15, 2009 at 5:10 AM

  13. Damn it, Sn0tty. You’re killing me here. All of this talk about cake….scabby or not…….ahhhhhh!!! My stomach is growling 🙂


    January 15, 2009 at 10:01 PM

  14. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 15, 2009 at 10:07 PM

  15. You know, my birthday IS coming up….and I do love dessert 😉 *hint hint hint*


    January 15, 2009 at 10:08 PM

  16. I shall be making you a life-sized portrait cake of YOU. 🙂 Maybe not, but *something* is brewing for your beeday. ❤

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 17, 2009 at 9:26 PM

  17. We have the BEST Carrot cake at PCC that you will ever taste in your life, its like a slice of heaven, no doubt, yum!


    January 23, 2009 at 9:06 PM

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