Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Worship of False Gods

with 18 comments


I’m kind of totally loving Marko’s post about boredom today; sometimes, I know exactly how he feels. It’s like the perfect blog post: sad, self-depracating, honest, funny, short and sweet. Go check it out and cheer him up with a story you heard on Oprah. People love it when you do that; it’s heartwarming and educational, which everybody enjoys! I wish people would do it more, actually: I truly appreciate receiving third-party life lessons and depressing book recommendations from Oprah disciples. It’s like getting an Oprah-approved STD, without the sexual contact.

I pity you Oprah lovers, with your free cars and your abnormally-gifted children and your couch-jumping; you’re like the Japanese tourists at Disneyland! You’re worse than those zombie Mac lovers I MEAN APPLE WHORES. Worship at the swollen feet of your false gods, but not this one… did you ever think about giving Jesus a chance?!

But what about all of the people she helps, Snotty? What about single-handedly trying to save Africa? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?! I don’t need to warm my heart with Chicken Soup, and bully the children. While you people are sniveling with Oprah about LIVING! LOVING! AND LEARNING! [canned applause], I’m making myself useful on the internet, like playing Scrabble and checking my email. I don’t have time for television sobfests; I do have time to sob in the shower over my SECOND ASS, but that’s another story. At this point, Oprah herself would have to come to my house and stab me in the face to get my tears. She would have to manually squeeze my eyeballs with her own two fingers just to get one drop.

I think she does help people, but I’m pretty sick of the show being one big infomercial for overpriced products, overhyped celebrities, and Spirituality-in-a-Can; I don’t watch it, and yet I am surrounded by Oprah everywhere. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “…this one time? on Oprah?”–in the same reverential tones people reserve for GOD, or band camp. I’m glad she donates money and feeds the poor and turns ugly bitches into beautiful swan-like bitches, but I still think she’s a sanctimonious cow. Freak out if you must, Oprah fans. I’m going to go LIVE MY BEST LIFE!

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Written by sn0tteh

January 10, 2009 at 1:14 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

18 Responses

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  1. I thought I was the only one who felt like that! The last time I watched her show she had Ricki Martin as a guest and he told this story about how he has spent all his time helping out poor children all over the world, and how Oprah is so wonderful and inspires him. A couple days later he was on some other show. They asked what he has been up to and he is like, oh not much, just playing music. Obviously they are both just playing a part and selling whatever they need to when they need to.

    Anonymous

    January 10, 2009 at 5:50 AM

  2. I don’t think she’s hooked into reality, which is annoying, because a lot of “real people” follow her religiously. And the smarmy spirituality stuff, gah. I’m all for being spiritual if you want, but I’ve always felt clubbed over the head by it from her show. It’s all so smug (she said smugly).

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 10, 2009 at 7:17 AM

  3. Ooooooohhhhh…you just put an idea for a blog post in my tiny little pea brain. What about Oprah’s Book Club. Some are great (although I can’t come up with a single title besides Night at the moment), and some, well, are fake memoirs…remember what’s his name? Is it James Frey? Anyway, I’ve never watched an Oprah Show all the way thru, but I have, on occasion, bought her mag, but don’t remember why. Does that make me a sad little person? I think not!

    Melissa B.

    January 10, 2009 at 7:56 PM

  4. But Oprah is GOD! She gave EVERYONE in her audience a car. Only GOD could do that. Only the (wo)man who is responsible for creating the ENTIRE world could give EVERYONE in the audience a car!

    Buttercup

    January 11, 2009 at 6:10 AM

  5. Melissa, of course you’re not a sad little person! I’ve read her mag before, and enjoy a good makeover/giveaway show every once in a while.

    James Frey is one of the reasons I don’t like Oprah: I felt she didn’t handle that very well, or at all. I think he’s a terrific writer, whether his shit is true or not; his second book was really good, too. I don’t need Oprah to bring people on her show and berate them in front of millions of people–she has too much influence over public opinion. She can make or break a person’s entire livelihood or life, and that’s a lot of power for one television host. Too much, in my opinion.

    The other books, well: Anna Karenina was good the second time around, I guess, and I *did* read Eat Pray Love…but a lot of her book choices are depressing. Toni Morrison, I’m talking to you.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 11, 2009 at 4:10 PM

  6. Buttercup, Manthony pointed me in the direction of the Dane Cook bit about Oprah, where he’s yelling “And YOU get a humpback whale, and YOU get a humpback whale–EVERYBODY GETS A HUMPBACK WHAAAAALE”, and I thought you should look it up, too. Even though I’m not a huge DC fan, it was funny.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 11, 2009 at 4:12 PM

  7. This is the funniest shit ever–girl, where do you come up with this stuff? Manually squeeze your eyeballs in order to get your tears? I LMAO. (That’s past tense, btw–heh).

    Tobias!

    January 11, 2009 at 4:13 PM

  8. Thank you for pointing out its’ past-tensedness. That’s not a word, I made it up.

    I don’t know where I come up with this stuff–probably God. Which we all know is Oprah. So the answer is: Oprah.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 11, 2009 at 4:15 PM

  9. Good point about Oprah being out of touch with reality. How could she be when she exists at the center of her own personal media empire? She’s less interested in “keeping it real” than in instilling her benevolent viewpoint to her many minions. (Smugly.)

    I’m still waiting for MY humpback whale.

    Manthony

    January 11, 2009 at 6:09 PM

  10. Manthony, EVERYBODY gets a humpback whaaaaale.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 12, 2009 at 1:33 AM

  11. I’ve never watched one single episode of Oprah. Some of my friends swear up and down at how awesome she is, but I guess I just don’t care.

    Oh, and my mother-in-law is her biggest fan, so there’s another strike against Oprah, LOL.

    Joanna

    January 12, 2009 at 9:34 PM

  12. Well, yeah. That’s who I always assumed Oprah was for: our mothers.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 12, 2009 at 10:28 PM

  13. I’m an Oprah fan–you can point and laugh at me. 🙂 But in my defense, I have to, because I’m a white, middle-aged housewife.

    -Stacy

    Anonymous

    January 13, 2009 at 6:12 PM

  14. HILARIOUS COMMENT. Snort-worthy, even.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 13, 2009 at 6:14 PM

  15. Worship the Harpo, lol!

    I am totally feeling alot better, I honestly believe tanning helped!

    Marko

    January 13, 2009 at 6:25 PM

  16. Maybe I should try tanning the next time I’m feeling down. And maybe, since I’m so brown already, it will do some kind of negation tan, and I’ll turn white. You’re right, Mark, I feel better already.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 13, 2009 at 6:39 PM

  17. Somebody needed to say this, Snotty.

    Thomas

    January 17, 2009 at 9:49 PM

  18. I was hoping we were on the same page about this, Thomas.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 17, 2009 at 10:23 PM


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