Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Facebook: FAIL

with 32 comments

Yes, I still hate Myspace, but Facebook does something that I don’t particularly enjoy: anytime you comment, it’s posted for all of your friends to see. So when I write on someone’s Facebook Wall: “THANKS FOR SETTING FIRE TO OUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT AND SLEEPING WITH MY RETARDED BROTHER”, all of my friends see it, too–they see everything. The same goes for photos: I can leave a small note of congratulations on the photo of a newborn (IT’S A GIRL! YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT), and everyone will see it; they’re even allowed to comment on my comment, like it isn’t hard enough to come up with ONE clever thing to say–now I have to defend its’ honor and come back for Round Two. Not my idea of a good time. Sounds more like ‘work’ (or what others have described to me as work).

Now I may have misled you in saying I don’t particularly enjoy this Facebook feature, because that’s not entirely true: I enjoy it immensely, when it’s other people being monitored. I found a favorite tonight, a comment that popped up on my screen–it was made by an old high school acquaintance on the wedding photo of another high school peep. There were a bunch of people from high school in the actual wedding, and apparently the person commenting wasn’t invited. I changed their names, but not because they were innocent; just so I can have a little leverage, should anyone angry come a-callin’. The comment went like this, with nary a linking verb to be found:

Bob and Betty Boop! Congratulateions! I wish i woiuld have been invited! You had the RADDEST Wedding Party Ever! May we can do part two in Frebruary I would love to kick old style with all the fellows! We did have fun adn i was one of the guys. šŸ™‚ Where are you registered? I want to sentd you something. And Grover is still HOT, Brendan looks a little grizzley but hot grrrr. Hoorig. Looking good RED! I am so happy for you…seriouser where aer you registered? Pleasel I love buying weddinhg gifts. I am so happy for you that you have you swan,,, you will be together for every. And Bob is superstar who allowed m to hang out while chaptan churcn would practive in Hoover’s basement. I have a pic.

The author appears to have been rendered completely useless by some kind of stroke, which impaired either her typing or spelling skills, possibly both. I also thought she might have unwieldy hooks instead of hands, which would have explained the typos–but I checked her profile, and she has photographic evidence of possessing human hands. This is someone who used to be on the school newspaper. Seriouser. Seriously. It was embarrassing to read the first time around, so I only read it out loud another ten or twenty times–then decided it needed to be featured on the blog. I like to fly under the radar, as you can see.

I know it’s a little rude to call out someone so specifically, but this shit was tres gauche, mes petite filles; it had a big scoop of Pathetic with a dollop of Desperate on top. I’m also curious to know what language it’s in–Arabic, maybe? Esperanto?–but I’ll leave that to the linguistic experts.

I personally hope that the Esq and I will be together for every, because he’s a superstar who allowd m to hang otu whewyg nvf387% capn crunch /jkfw78349523-ji opgnmksv&%$jhg!wg8 derka. Gah, I’m being a dick, but I *do* wonder: why is this a necessary feature on Facebook?


Written by sn0tteh

January 8, 2009 at 8:02 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

32 Responses

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  1. agreed that the voyeur feature has its ups and downs. It helps me know when vagina-havers are commenting my boyfriend’s page or when his ugly exgirlfriend goes on vacation (she’s gained weight and looks horrible in a swimsuit). At this point I censor my own comments so much that someone scrutinizing them is the least of my worries, but what has become annoying is, the more friends I add, the more of their random bullshit pops up on my screen. I haven’t figured out how to unsubscribe from just some of the boring motherfuckers while continuing to stalk the ones whose shitty lives make me feel better about my own.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    January 8, 2009 at 1:44 PM

  2. So that you can point out to your readers how it can always be worse. We could be *that.*

    Furtive Flatulence

    January 8, 2009 at 4:14 PM

  3. Konichiwa: I agree. I do like keeping track of vagina-havers on the Esq’s page, but since there are SO MANY (YOU WHORE!) it’s hard to stay in la loop.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 5:07 PM

  4. FF, we will always be that. We will always have those memories.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 5:08 PM

  5. This is why, when I am deluged (only every once in a while, but in great numbers) by *invitations* to the face, I tormentedly decline.

    While I would dearly love/fear to track/hunt down old friends/obsessive crushes and reconnect/stalk them, the amount of digital diarrhea continues to insulate me from the nation’s *most popular* social networking platform.

    Wcich is gdod, bcauze sumtymz i is DRknu online, ‘a’i’gh’t?

    GOD, that would be embarrassing…

    (And, for my useless *fun-fact* of the week, didja know that both Minnesota and Wisconsin have towns named Embarrass?)


    January 8, 2009 at 6:22 PM

  6. I still say Myspace is worse. I did not know that about Embarrass… maybe this girl lives there.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 6:34 PM

  7. OMG this is truly embarrassing. And sad that every one of her friends saw this the minute she posted it!

    Desperate much? And no way was she on the school newspaper–surely you’re joking?


    January 8, 2009 at 6:41 PM

  8. Newp. She was on the paper, not that high school newspapers are all that exciting or informative, but they at least have fucking SPELL CHECK.

    The saddest part is, there were about 15 photos from this wedding on Facebook, and she commented (in the same tone) ON 13 OF THEM. THIRTEEN. And the comments were mostly like, “AWWW CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED OUT ON THIS” and “YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN, WISH I’D BEEN THERE”. Except spelled more horrifically.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 6:44 PM

  9. Poor thing. It is sad when people’s lives peak in high school.

    I’m starting to like Facebook better than MySpace, but only because MS started to desperately copy FB. They both generally are complete wastes of time. But I’m a sucker for any sort of procrastination device.


    January 8, 2009 at 7:05 PM

  10. Me, too–I think they’re both a waste of time, but Facebook points more people in this blog’s direction, so it’s more of a networking tool. But yes, I spend way too much time playing Scrabble on FB than anywhere else.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 7:09 PM

  11. It’s a LITTLE rude, but still: hilarity, squared.



    January 8, 2009 at 7:10 PM

  12. Well, I didn’t post this one on Facebook–wouldn’t want to hurt any feelings. Although I never really liked her in high school, so maybe we could rumble.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 8, 2009 at 7:10 PM

  13. i srota like teh faeture but it dose make me wondre sometimes. alos i dont really watn to knwo evrythiiing about me firedns. i gues i only watn to know mebe 10%.


    January 8, 2009 at 8:04 PM

  14. I think the language it was posted in was Engrish.

    Raevn's Ravings

    January 8, 2009 at 9:21 PM

  15. I think the language it was posted in was Engrish.

    Raevn's Ravings

    January 8, 2009 at 9:21 PM

  16. I’m tellin’ ya, they just need to combine MySpace and Facebook together. They can call it MyFace.

    Btw, I think I need a nickname on here, because “Joanna” is pretty boring. LOLZ. šŸ˜‰


    January 8, 2009 at 9:55 PM

  17. LOL seacat LOL

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 3:07 AM

  18. Raevn, please come up with a nickname for Joanna. šŸ™‚ And get to work on the MyFace idea.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 3:10 AM

  19. OmG, I *heart* the “MyFace” idea!!!!!!! ;)!!!!


    January 9, 2009 at 5:50 AM

  20. By the way, I’m posting in reverse-chronological order tonight, and am drunk, and feeling really @#$%^ mean.

    *Hopes youz LOLing*


    January 9, 2009 at 5:51 AM

  21. That shit was HILARIOUS.

    You mocked it perfectly.

    K.C. McGee

    January 9, 2009 at 9:08 AM

  22. Matt: totally LOLing. Glad you’re drunk and having fun šŸ™‚ But you *are* on Myspace, so you can’t complain toooo much.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 6:34 PM

  23. Thanks, K.C. McGee… are you of the McGee fame? Like Tits McGee? šŸ™‚

    I’m telling you, it was hard to make fun of this properly.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 6:35 PM

  24. Slowly I am getting used to Facebook but still am a little lost. Its kinda cool that some old classmates have found me. A friend just instant messaged me on there earlier, I minimized the box then it disappeared and I lost her, lol!


    January 9, 2009 at 7:21 PM

  25. I’m on it!

    Raevn's Ravings

    January 9, 2009 at 7:23 PM

  26. I’m on it!

    Raevn's Ravings

    January 9, 2009 at 7:23 PM

  27. Mark, friend me on Facebook if you will–I don’t know your last name. Or do I? No, I don’t.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 8:51 PM

  28. Raevn: I like your gumption.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 9, 2009 at 8:53 PM

  29. My reasons for being on snore-space have been adequately explained. It is a tool.
    I should probably leave that one as it is…


    January 13, 2009 at 7:59 AM

  30. dood.
    its called privacy settings.

    Pooter Mc Doodson

    January 18, 2009 at 5:41 AM

  31. If that made sense to me, I’d say: DOOD. TOTALLY.

    I’m looking through all of the privacy settings on Facebook right now, and I don’t see the one where I can turn everyone *off* without completely rendering Facebook as useless. Although it’s already pretty useless, as is.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 18, 2009 at 4:29 PM

  32. Added a link to this blog to my Facebook profile! šŸ™‚ Facebook albeit a lovely thing can be limited and I always think twice and then one more time before posting anything. Sadly my lil girl (2 yrs old 2/14/09) can upload photos to my Facebook via my cell phone without my knowledge so it makes life interesting when friends & family say "oooh I like your photo!" and I am like "uh oh photo of what?" It happens so quick. I only have 14 friends in Facebook so I am very selective on who I add.


    January 31, 2009 at 6:54 PM

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