Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Greatest, Snottiest Gift of All Time

with 34 comments

This is a coppery, pirate-faced me.

This is me and Jesus; he’s lacking eyeballs.
It’s the blind leading those who can already see.

This is me and Jesus and two slices of bacon.
Jesus was all about the bacon.

This is me and Jesus and two slices of bacon at The Last Supper.
I think I’ve replaced Mary, so it’s really two slices of bacon,
Jesus, and a Bethlehem whore.


My thought bubble says, ‘Maybe he won’t notice the bacon.’

I keep saying it’s a painting, but it’s not; it’s more of an art piece. It’s fairly large, and heavy due to the entire thing being made out of copper and something that feels like suede. We decided to put it in the kitchen, so it can be covered in the actual smell of bacon; I didn’t really like the idea, but it seemed… appropriate. I was completely speechless when I opened it, and didn’t quite believe I’d won our Christmas Lottery. The fact that someone added me–and my partner in cholesterol-raising crime, bacon–to The Last Supper makes this the greatest gift that has ever been made for me. The fact that my dad made this for me just makes him the best dad in the whole wide world. It’s a wonderful feeling when you realize a parent really gets you, and seeks to understand what you’re about; I feel very lucky, because both of my parents do. I am lucky in love, bacon, and Jesus. It was a very good Christmas.

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Written by sn0tteh

December 28, 2008 at 7:40 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

34 Responses

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  1. That IS the best gift ever! Your dad is SO COOL!

    Michelle Auer

    December 28, 2008 at 8:50 PM

  2. Yes, he is!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:05 PM

  3. LOL!

    Anonymous

    December 28, 2008 at 10:05 PM

  4. Oh, an anonymous LOL. How quaint and pointless!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:07 PM

  5. LOL!

    Tobias!

    December 28, 2008 at 10:07 PM

  6. That’s the spirit, Tobias.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:08 PM

  7. So this is where you learned how to be a heathen: from your father. Defacing a piece of religious artwork just to amuse your own children might be “cool” to him, but to me that’s someone failing to teach his chilcren right from wrong. Because it’s just plaing wrong.

    Anonymous

    December 28, 2008 at 10:13 PM

  8. Well, Anonymous, it’s like I always say: better to be a heathen than a redundant jackass who can’t spell.

    You keep Jesus; I’ll keep the English language. Good luck!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:20 PM

  9. PS: Anyone else wanting to insult my father in MY fucking blog better keep their comments anonymous. I *will* post them, and then eviscerate you.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:27 PM

  10. You tell em, Snotty! I think this gift ROCKS.

    Stacy

    December 28, 2008 at 10:28 PM

  11. Thanks, Stace–and I think this is the first time I’ve seen your name on a comment (as a header). Too much anonymous comment-bashing? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:29 PM

  12. I’m smart, if that’s what you’re asking. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Stacy

    December 28, 2008 at 10:30 PM

  13. I like a girl with initiative.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 10:30 PM

  14. I would like for these Anonymi to explain how this is wrong, sacrilegious, blasphemous, hedonistic etc. I’m confused.

    Is it the bacon?

    So jesus was a jew. He didn’t eat bacon, which means he passed it onto you. What a swell guy.

    Furtive Flatulence

    December 28, 2008 at 10:42 PM

  15. FF, I agree. If anything, I’m closer to Jesus than any of you bitches. I’M PRACTICALLY SITTING IN HIS LAP.

    Bacon has nothing to do with Jews, and everything to do with tribes. Read Stephen Pinker’s ‘The Language Instinct’. Very good book.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 28, 2008 at 11:06 PM

  16. Mad props to your dad!

    Hilarious that people are upset about how he has “defaced” something he probably found at a thrift store. Wasn’t the fact that such a tacky mass-produced version of the Last Supper was even made worse? Or that someone donated it to a thrift store? It isn’t like your dad flew to Milan and messed with the original…

    Manthony

    December 28, 2008 at 11:22 PM

  17. Manthony, I think we should start a rumor that my dad pried this out of the Pope’s bony fingers… just imagine the outcries.

    Also, who’s to say this isn’t the original? I totally could have been the right hand of Jesus, and you just didn’t know it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 29, 2008 at 12:42 AM

  18. that is the shit. love. i want your dad!

    madhouse 6

    December 29, 2008 at 12:50 AM

  19. You so do. I thought you would deeply appreciate it, as I did.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 29, 2008 at 1:02 AM

  20. This is just too great!
    I think I’m in love with your dad.
    ๐Ÿ™‚

    barbjensen

    December 29, 2008 at 1:27 AM

  21. steve rules, fuck the haters

    ps: isn’t there something in the bible about being a fisher of men?

    how about not judging unless you want to be judged?

    Tomnonymous

    December 29, 2008 at 1:35 AM

  22. Coolest. Gift. Ever.

    Is no one going to address the invisible elephant in the room? I mean, is there some text there…perhaps even a word balloon, that you’ve skirted addressing?

    Please don’t make me sit through some Dan Brown tripe to find out what it may or may not say…give it up!

    FreNeTic

    December 29, 2008 at 3:03 AM

  23. Mmm, bacon!

    Marko

    December 29, 2008 at 5:20 AM

  24. Chilcren is awsumn anh so iz yur dqad.
    anh su is BAGUN.
    Yumgy.

    matt

    December 29, 2008 at 9:05 AM

  25. And, on a more serious note, “Anonymous,” if you think that the fresco “The Last Supper” by Leonardo (not to mention a cheap thrift shop replica!) is a “piece of religious artwork,” you seriously need a primer on art history. Not only was Leonardo (btw, only idiots call him “Da Vinci”–that means “from Vinci,” his name is Leonardo, and is referred to as “Leonardo of Vinci”; Dan Brown must die) most likely gay, but he frequently disobeyed Catholic law and doctrine in his scientific, artistic and pseudo-medical endevours, and blatantly used religious imagery as an excuse to make pictures that would, unsanctioned by his benefactors, most likely have been considered heretical. He was a self-serving know-it-all who thumbed his nose at God and at the Church that purported to serve him.
    “The Last Supper” is as much a piece of religious art as is “Piss Christ” by Andres Serrano, or the infamous elephant-dung Mary by Chris Ofili.

    And Poppa McSnotterson did make one mistake: it would have been more accurate if it was pancetta.

    matt

    December 29, 2008 at 9:19 AM

  26. Barb, I thought you would appreciate this as an artist ๐Ÿ™‚

    Ben: it says ‘I hope he doesn’t notice the bacon.’ (I wrote this down already, I think you just missed it!)

    TOM: I am so glad you commented. Especially since you know the man in question ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for coming by!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 29, 2008 at 3:45 PM

  27. Marko, nice seeing you–haven’t hung out nearly enough. 2009 is our year. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 29, 2008 at 3:46 PM

  28. *sigh*
    It just kills me when whack-jobs try to subvert fact in order to prop up their hate-filled promulgations.

    Sorry, I’ll try to be less professorial. (It’s hard).

    matt

    December 29, 2008 at 5:55 PM

  29. Did you… did you just use the word ‘promulgations’ in a comment? THE NERVE. At least I know you have balls, or at the very least, a big ass dictionary.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 29, 2008 at 6:54 PM

  30. I think Matt wins.

    Manthony

    December 29, 2008 at 7:57 PM

  31. WOO-HOO!

    matt

    December 30, 2008 at 7:58 PM

  32. But what does he win, I wonder?

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 30, 2008 at 8:00 PM

  33. “Victory” is its own reward.

    Unless bacon is provided.

    )) ))
    (( ((
    )) ))

    matt

    December 30, 2008 at 9:48 PM

  34. I freaking love that emoticon!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    January 1, 2009 at 2:39 AM


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