Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Saying ‘I Do’ in Style

with 12 comments


Finally, Eastern Washington and ‘the church’ have become useful again, or maybe for the first time ever. I mentioned this holiest of places a while back, citing it as the only church an atheist Snotty would consider getting married in. It’s a few hours away, in Zillah, Washington, which is–geographically speaking–straight-up McCain Country. Its’ main attractions are the Teapot Dome Service Station, and the creepy metal monster who lives in front of this church. The Zillahgers have managed to make Godzilla look dull and menacing, wrapping him in cheerful Christmas lights, and putting a sign in one hand (“JESUS SAVES!”) and a fiery red cross in the other. Is he a warrior for Jesus, or an unwilling mascot hostage?

While proximity and undesirability are two major drawbacks, imagine inviting 500 screaming Japanese people to your wedding.


My favorite, Grandma’s favorite, everybody’s favorite: CRACK! Surprise your wedding guests with an intimate ceremony, a beautiful view, and the chance to start a serious addiction. Never underestimate the power of the exact wrong name for the exact right project.

This unfortunately-named park is on Queen Anne Hill in Seattle. The minute I saw the photo with the park’s name in it, I knew I’d have to get married here; that, or persuade some hapless boob to do it for me. I’d worry about my belongings and any wedding favors given out at a venue like this, but other than that, it’s quite pretty.


I imagine this place is like the Wonka Factory, and bacon rains down from the heavens. Choirs of angels serenade you as it all becomes abundantly clear: everything is made from bacon. Trees, bushes, flowers, rocks, furniture, playground equipment, the moon, your pants, your parents, your penis, EVERYTHING! It’s like a dream come true.

But, much like in the beloved book (and the movie), everything eventually turns to shit.

Tangent: Did you ever notice how dark the original Willy Wonka movie was? All of the children were horrifying assholes except for Charlie, who was, himself, a depressingly cheerful goody two-shoes. Charlie’s family is so poor they’re eating their own boots, the Candy Man is weirdly pedophilic with his shmoopy-eyed singing, and Willy Wonka is an acid-tripping accessory to the semi-accidental murders of four young children. And those four kiddos got seriously fucked up: Augustus drowned in a chocolate river, Violet turned blue and blew up, Veruca fell down a garbage chute that led to her fiery death, and Mike shrunk to Lilliputian size after being shot with a laser beam; Charlie and Grandpa, on the other hand, drank some harmless fizzy soda, and nearly got beheaded for their troubles. How was this movie okay to watch when I was six?


Written by sn0tteh

December 14, 2008 at 1:27 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

12 Responses

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  1. BECAUSE the moral of the story is to be a good kid; don’t indulge on chocolate, avoid eating things you aren’t familiar with, don’t be a demanding spoiled brat and don’t play with lazers. If you stick with gassy substances, you’ll inherit the weirdly pedophilic man’s million dollar corporation.

    Also, don’t give Slugworth an everlasting gobstopper and he won’t show you the meaning of penetration.


    December 14, 2008 at 5:30 PM

  2. They deserved their fate, for sure, but at the same time, what were they–nine? ten? Amazing.

    LOL@Slugworth: he was always so creepy. And now he’s even creepier.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 14, 2008 at 5:56 PM

  3. BHY KRACKE PARK? You must be joking. Tell me you’re joking.



    December 14, 2008 at 7:51 PM

  4. S: Not joking at all. Only in Seattle do we name our parks so efficiently, or make crack so readily available.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 14, 2008 at 7:51 PM

  5. ok, the god-zillah church is perfection. pure japanese-tormenting perfection.

    madhouse 6

    December 14, 2008 at 9:37 PM

  6. It would be pretty dope to say you got married at the Church of God Zillah… you’d be so hardcore.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 14, 2008 at 10:43 PM

  7. a. I used to live right next-to Bhy Kracke. LOL’d almost every day. It got old, though…

    b. My brother had many screaming Japanese people at his wedding, but not 500. If only I’d know then about God-Zillah. I’m pretty sure that Toho Studios could sue that town…
    Or at leat the “church.”

    c. I read both Charlie books, and other Roald Dahl books and stories, when I was in high school(?). His stuff is preposterously dark. That fraud Lemony Snicket owes the Dahl heirs some gelt from his sad attempts to out-morbidly-dark-humour R.D. “James and the Giant Peach” is a bug-ridden death-fest, and his short stories are certifiably depraved. I think he’s great for kids. Adults have this delusional tendency of forgetting just how seriously fucked in the skull children can be. Evil.


    December 15, 2008 at 5:46 AM

  8. I agree on all fronts, Matt, except for maybe Kracke park; I don’t know if it would get old to me. I’m still saying ‘your mom’ and ‘whatever’, and those are so two years ago. Thank God I got over ‘NOT’… in, like, seventh grade.

    I don’t think I’ll be crashing through any windows–although it’s been a while.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 15, 2008 at 5:11 PM

  9. I have a confession to make. We got married at Bhy Kracke Park. Seriously. One boob at your service.


    December 15, 2008 at 6:08 PM

  10. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Oh, Kate–you’ve given me the greatest gift of all: the gift of laughter. And also, you guys ROCK. I assume you picked it for the view, but I would have picked it for the name.

    I hope you have pictures in front of the park sign.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 15, 2008 at 6:24 PM

  11. I could add, btw, that I doubt it’s an exagerration to say that most of my married friends who have wed in Seattle proper have done so in this park. You should poke around, maybe you can start a Bhy Kracke flickr pool. (I can think of three couples just off the top of my head, and when I lived over there*, it was wedding after wedding, all summer long).

    *Probably not connected to the frequency of unions.


    December 15, 2008 at 10:25 PM

  12. I’m excited that I actually *know* people who have gotten married here… gives me hope for a Kracke-filled future of my own.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 16, 2008 at 12:50 AM

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