Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Best Burger, My Aunt Fanny

with 24 comments


Above: Yes, please. With white truffles and maybe a little gold dust.

Last night I had this nightmare where I had to poop in my kitchen sink; I woke up so. weirded. out. I was like, maybe I should do a quick check in the kitchen–but then realized if I really had pooped in the sink, I’d have to clean it up. So naturally, I went back to sleep. When I finally got back into the REM cycle, the nightmare picked up where I left off, except I was giving birth in my sink to a litter of big-headed alien babies and miniature pigs. Which is probably why I woke up in a rush this morning, craving bacon and supporting space travel.

Yesterday, the Esq and I ventured out to Red Mill Burgers, and for those of you who don’t live in Seattle, Red Mill is supposedly the best burger in town. Everyone recommends their burgers, gushing about them with fervent, preteen excitement; my friends talk about their first Red Mill burger experiences in the same wistful tone I imagine men using when remembering the first boob they ever touched. And after ingesting the infamous Red Mill burger–a bacon cheeseburger, in fact–I can totally see how someone might consider it “the best burger in Seattle”, if that someone had no mouth and was also missing a nose. These body parts enable you to smell and taste the goddamn thing, which the citizens of Seattle clearly aren’t doing, because my burger tasted like ass rolled in condiments and dipped in century-old kerosene.

Okay, that might be a slight overstatement, but only because I don’t know what century-old kerosene tastes like (although I’m tempted to say it tastes like a Red Mill burger). What did it really taste like? A burger. A weak one. My dad makes thicker, juicier, more flavorful burgers on the ol’ barbecue at home; anyone with a barbecue could. The burger itself was really thin, so all I tasted was fiery residue and the condiments; the fries were apparently cooked in the oil that cab drivers of unknown foreign origin use in their slicked-back hair. I could have squeezed a ton of oil out of those french fries, which is also how I feel about those cab drivers.

I won’t be going back. Not when there’s a cowboy burger I love out there–at King’s in Ballard, and Dad Watson’s in Fremont–that has a fairly good meat patty and lots of cheese, topped with lettuce, onion, pickles, tomatoes, tons-o-bacon, and one perfect fried egg… breakfast and dinner, in one fell swoop. That’s my idea of a burger. I also love grass-fed beef on burgers, which they serve at the Chow Foods restaurants; I love the burgers at Atlas and Coastal Kitchen. I’m actually looking forward to their company Christmas party this week, because the theme is ‘A Nightmare Before Christmas’. Haven’t you always wanted to go ‘Gothic Halloween’ for a Christmas party?

Also, I stand by my Tweet from yesterday: ‘sn0tty questions the legitimacy of your American citizenship if you don’t put bacon on your burgers.’

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Written by sn0tteh

December 12, 2008 at 4:23 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

24 Responses

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  1. But I love Red Mill! I’ve always loved their burgers. You just didn’t have the right one! šŸ™‚

    AmyD

    December 12, 2008 at 6:51 PM

  2. Which is BASICALLY the same sentiment as a man telling a lesbian she hasn’t found the right guy yet.

    How about I take YOU out for a real burger and change YOUR mind? šŸ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 6:53 PM

  3. Hi, I found you on Yelp after reading your Red Mill review actually. I think you should try it again before judging it so harshly. Going there two times doesn’t give them the benefit of the doubt, and the Ylep review was kindof harsh. I like your blog, but you should try them again before passing so much judgement.

    -Yelper

    Anonymous

    December 12, 2008 at 6:58 PM

  4. Awww, if only you’d left your name. We just had this talk about ‘anonymous comments’.

    I think that spending money *twice* at an establishment that’s run on hype alone is more than a fair deal. How much money should I waste before my opinion is legitimized as an opinion and not seen as something mean or unfair? Yelp isn’t just for positive reviews, it’s for people’s honest opinions. And my opinion is that Red Mill Burgers is a beloved Seattle establishment that serves food my 10-year old could make. End of story.

    Maybe you should read my review two more times, because YOUR review of MY review was kindof harsh. Reading it just once doesn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. I like you, but you should try reading it again before passing so much judgment.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 7:07 PM

  5. I TOTALLY agree. Yes, that is a teenage girl in a mall just finishing having her virginity taken away in the food court bathroom kind of “TOTALLY”.

    I gave Red Mill more than one opportunity (multiple locations) to live up to the hype and they never came close to impressing me. My only guess would be that all those in love with it are just off the wagon vegans or vegi’s that have not enjoyed a good beef injection in over 10 years.

    Yes, let’s look at Red Mill as burgers for amateurs. Practice there for a while, then you can move up to Red Robin (which is better…well they were back in the day, like 12 years ago). Then they can move onto REAL burgers.

    Although, I totally bow to your miyagi level burger consuming skills when it comes to egg on the burger. I don’t think I am ready to handle that yet.

    I hear there is a new place in fremont called zach’s. any good?

    kiki

    December 12, 2008 at 7:26 PM

  6. aaaaand BOOYAH!

    Snotty 1
    Anonymous 0

    Naturally.

    WenigGluckliches

    December 12, 2008 at 8:48 PM

  7. Kiki agrees with me? How I’ve awaited this day with such angst.

    You’re right. ‘Amateur burger’ is how it tasted. I wonder how many people say it’s the best burger ever without ever having one? This is basically just food gossip run rampant.

    I haven’t been to Zach’s, but I liked Blue Moon burgers, and that was in Fremont. I’ll have to try it and get back to you.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 9:37 PM

  8. Wen: naturally. C’mon! I would have been nicer, but anonymous comments kill me–and so do the comments that make no sense at all.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 9:38 PM

  9. I can’t agree more about Redmill. I don’t get it AT ALL. I still feel that Red Robin has the best burgers around, chain or not.

    Michelle Auer

    December 12, 2008 at 10:06 PM

  10. I love Red Robin burgers–they’re pretty yummy. The bottomless fries are good, too. I’m always SURPRISED that they’re good, though–I always forget.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 10:28 PM

  11. Dude, I completely and 100% agree with you on Red Mill. When Ross and I used to live over near Phinney Ridge, we went to Red Mill shortly after we moved in because we heard it was the best burger ever. I can’t even tell you how excited we were. Well when it was all said and done, we ended up paying nearly 20 dollars for two greasy burgers with fries and drinks, which were comparable to say, Wendy’s or Jack In The Box. It’s not like they weren’t good per se, but they weren’t worth the price, and my husband can make a far better burger with less grease, expense and emotional let-down. Seriously.

    Boo, Red Mill. I’ll go to Zach’s in Fremont any day. That place is the shiz.

    Joanna

    December 12, 2008 at 10:29 PM

  12. I think that Circa in West Seattle has awesome burgers. They are 1/2 pound of 100% natural happy cow. Yummmmy!!!!

    Raevn's Ravings

    December 12, 2008 at 11:00 PM

  13. Ooooh, you’ve been to Zach’s! Well I’m definitely trying it, because that’s three people who recommended it–and all three people didn’t like Red Mill, either. Hey, it’s just a matter of personal preference! Red Mill exists for those who love them (and have no taste buds).

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 11:49 PM

  14. Raevn, I am down with eating happy cows. I’ll definitely remember that place, maybe get you and Griz to go. šŸ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 12, 2008 at 11:50 PM

  15. HAHAHA! I’m a vegetarian but loved this post–it’s a cross-over post for all people who want a good laugh and a scathing review. Your dreams, however, are totally scary. šŸ˜‰

    seacat

    December 13, 2008 at 6:40 PM

  16. Seacat: you wouldn’t even believe how weird my dreams get. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

    Once, I had a dream where I was my own grandpa. I don’t know how it worked out, but it did.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 13, 2008 at 7:41 PM

  17. Red Mill was just … meh, so-so. Plus, you have to wait forever. And they charge you like a buck to add Tillamook cheese, that’s just wrong.

    ATTN: Red Mill, put the cheese on by default. If you’re lactose intolerant, you probably shouldn’t be eating ground-up cow guts anyway – it just CAN’T be good for you.

    Seriously, at least Red Robin has those phatty, bottomless steak fries šŸ™‚

    Ross

    December 13, 2008 at 8:27 PM

  18. The Esq and I were just talking about that–you can’t go wrong at Red Robin when it comes to a burger. You know what you’re getting, there’s tons of options, it’s average price, the fries are the SHIT and so are the milkshakes. For some reason it’s lumped in with ‘fast food’ in my mind–it’s in between. Not the best, but certainly the best deal for what you’re getting.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 13, 2008 at 9:56 PM

  19. I have to add that I find the idea of only ever eating one type (read: source) of burger slightly sad. Like a life without puppies and kittens. I find Red Mill to be the perfect burger choice for those times when I feel like a grease-burger, a sliver of Americana, and an echo of the million burger stands across Los Angeles. It’s a specific flavor/texture/ambience choice, and at times, that’s what I want. Preferably to-go, and chased with plenty of beer and whiskey. A truly good burger, as you point out, Snotty, can indeed be found at the CHOW outposts (such as the one in which I toil), and yes, with our fine bacon it reaches higher in its quest for perfection. But it’s 12 fucking dollars. There are burgers and there are Burgers. Ours (and many others, hurrah!) are Burgers. The Mill’s, and Dick’s, are burgers. McDonald’s are shit (and therefore belong in your sink). For me, it’s all about the mood. And “Anonymous,” all I have to say is, Girlfriend, you picked off way too big a bone to chew. Snotteh will eat you.
    Nom nom nom

    matt

    December 14, 2008 at 2:30 AM

  20. Also, our parties are not as exciting as you may have been led to believe… except for those (2) times when we accidently defenistrated people at Tini Bigs (that was back in the day tho’).

    matt

    December 14, 2008 at 2:34 AM

  21. Matt, well said. Brav-O.

    I’d like to try a different burger for every day of the week. Like those Days of the Week undies, only greasier.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 14, 2008 at 5:30 PM

  22. PS: A party is a party. Especially if I might get defenistrated!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 14, 2008 at 5:31 PM

  23. Will you poop in the Atlas sink at our party? That would be my dream.

    And serious about the defenistration. Two years in a row, some jackass went throught the gi-normous plate glass window down there.
    I know who it was, but don’t worry Tyler, your secret’s safe with me!

    Oops.

    matt

    December 15, 2008 at 5:51 AM

  24. PS I met Tyler.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    December 19, 2008 at 6:52 AM


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