Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Looking Forward, Peering Backwards

with 18 comments

It’s funny how old friends, former lovers, and past hurts can rise up from the dead and attack you–and by ‘funny’, I really mean RED ALERT RED ALERT ABORT MISSION IMMEDIATELY. Congratulations, Facebook, for amassing the largest collection of people I’ve been avoiding in the history of the online world, but who have apparently been looking for me. Everyone from my small town high school? CHECK. Every person I regret having slept with? CHECK. Unrequited love? Every one of ’em. The one that got away? Oh. *sigh* Him.

“He” is a Facebook friend who’s incredibly nice, blissfully married, and far, far away. I never check his profile, rarely ever talk about him, and have only messaged him once: to welcome him to Facebook, like a self-promoting social networking tour guide. He didn’t respond; I wasn’t surprised.

I hate this man, and I love this man. I love him because he only ever showed me true friendship and kindness; I hate this man because my heart was like a pencil and he was like a sharpener, grinding down my heart until it was the size of a cheap-ass church pencil. And you know what those are like: useful only for tallying Yahtzee scores, or maybe stabbing a preemie.

Against my own good judgment, and flanked by the phrases “I’m bored” and “What’s the worst that could happen?” I moseyed on over to his Facebook page. Historically, when someone asks, “What’s the worst that could happen?”, the answer is usually violence, cancer, or rodeo clowns. What I found on his page was closer to ‘violent, cancerous rodeo clowns’ taking over the world, and forcing us to work in Kathy Lee’s sweatshops making blingtastic jeans: he’s doing awesome, he seems happy, he’s still adorable. Can you believe the goddamn nerve of the guy? What an asshole.

I can’t believe it’s been over ten years and I still get a twinge of regret when I think of him. I can’t believe I went to his stupid Facebook profile, and got nervous just poking around. I can’t believe, after all this time, I’m still mooning about like he left two days ago. I’m so happy with the Esq, and love our life together, so I marvel at the power of a past relationship that ultimately went nowhere. When I saw a real photo of him, of how he’s barely aged in 12 years, and his smile!–hardly a better one out there besides my sweetie and the monster–I felt twenty years old again: youthful, brazen, electric, alive. I remembered the 20-year old certainty that this man was MINE; I all but peed directly on him when we met, although later on I just peed around him in tight, exclusionary circles. Needless to say, our friendship was an intense, beautiful, heartbreaking experience, and I re-lived every moment tonight thanks to my folly and my Facebook.

How can old wounds feel so fresh? I’m humbled and annoyed by them. Fortunately, I remember why it never would have worked out, the manner of his leaving, and the way I held on to a possible future with him. I stayed in fantasy about this man for a long time because in reality, my life was a piece of shit–sometimes I had only that hope to hold onto. To imagine a future with him was a luxury because I was imagining myself even having a future, something I was unsure of at times. So my connection to him, far after he’d gone, propelled me through the mire of my unhealthy relationships (or as I like to call it, “my twenties”), and for that I am grateful. Luckily, I found a man who is good for me in many ways, and not just an unfinished dream; a man who is good for my 32-year old self and has nothing to do with the past. But with something like Facebook, the past is two clicks away from the present when I log in each day, reminding me of its presence every now and then. Which is why, if ‘the past’ were in beast or human form, I would take a loaded shotgun with me to Facebook, shoot to kill, carve it up, and serve it for our Thanksgiving dinner. I would include a large portion of get-over-it-already, a huge helping of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, and a big glass of my current happiness, to remind me of what is most important: staying in the present, remaining grateful, and being thin. I added that last one because, now that Obama is the President-elect, anything is possible.



Written by sn0tteh

November 7, 2008 at 7:11 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

18 Responses

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  1. I LOVE this post!

    For those of us that love drama, you always need to have at least one great unrequited or tragic love. Maybe two or three…I take comfort that all of mine married redheads (or fake ones). I like to think in some small way they miss me. πŸ™‚


    November 7, 2008 at 4:19 PM

  2. Facebook is just collecting electronic baseball cards, except now everyone can have one. Woof.


    November 7, 2008 at 4:46 PM

  3. I have one of those too. Imagining stabbing preemies w/ church pencils makes my heart feel a bit better about it, though.


    November 7, 2008 at 6:39 PM

  4. Oh Red, you’re the one person who understands why I loved him in the first place, and how he’ll always be kind of perfect in my eyes. I never had the chance to humanize him, he was just a God-like creature to me. Danger, Will Robinson.

    Of course they miss you, although remember: you redheads are pretty exceptional. Also, there’s only like 4% of you.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 7, 2008 at 7:10 PM

  5. Just wait until celebrities start selling access to their facebook profiles on QVC.


    November 7, 2008 at 7:17 PM

  6. LOL@Jenny… you have a very nice wife now, though. πŸ™‚ I’ll get you a box of those pencils for Xmas!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 7, 2008 at 7:24 PM

  7. Manthony, do not even joke about that. I’ll bet The Girls Next Door would be the first to sell-out (although it’s hard to sell out when what you do for a living is…sell yourself out, naked or otherwise).

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 7, 2008 at 7:25 PM

  8. Um let’s establish some Sn0tty groundrules here: since the convo does not have comment forms, can convo comments converge here, or is that gauche?

    Ploughing right along, I just want to mention how my brain went straight to the Chef Em with the Esq’s short bus comment, and then there was LOL.

    But if I’m gauche in mixing the blogs, let me know, and I’ll stoooooooop.


    November 8, 2008 at 1:53 AM

  9. I thought I’d turned the comment stuff on last week for the Convo Blog…wondered why I never got any comments LOL

    Will send my tech in immediately.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 8, 2008 at 3:28 AM

  10. Well Okaaaaaaaaaaaay then.


    November 8, 2008 at 4:14 AM

  11. You are awesome!

    Michelle Auer

    November 8, 2008 at 7:54 AM

  12. Michelle, you always say the swooniest things πŸ˜‰

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 8, 2008 at 4:23 PM

  13. This post was really the most honest heart-breaking post ever.

    I think back to that time and remember the waives of pain and joy it all caused.

    So sad, but such good times. Ah the blissful paradox of love lost.


    November 10, 2008 at 11:58 PM

  14. You never lost yours, though–isn’t he sitting right next to you? πŸ™‚ You and lilred know the whole deal, huh.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 11, 2008 at 1:35 AM

  15. hmmm…I do remember some lost love in my past…It may be that I sit next to one of mine every day-but I am not talking about my love life, I’m talking about the tragedy of that first moment you clicked on the facebook photos.

    That is a universal pain that comes in many forms-facebook, late night phonecalls, running into each other at the store, or just going for a simple cup of chai.

    That is the universal drama/pain that clicking on Facebook photos can bring.

    But, I also know that you have an arsenal of super happy photos that detail what a happy relationship is…and a very, very clear message of “I’m having so much fun” that I hear is always the best defense against an old broken heart. πŸ™‚

    Just cause other peoples drama is so exciting-here is something so painful, I can’t stand it… (lilred-I know you love this)


    November 11, 2008 at 3:03 AM

  16. Facebook is my sworn enemy.

    Oh, I’ve always loved this poem. Anne Sexton knows how to pierce your heart, politely.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 11, 2008 at 4:02 PM

  17. Thanks for writing a refreshingly humorous and honest post about Facebook. It makes my cranky day (thanks to the big FB) feel a little better.

    (P.S. I followed you here from The Big Blog/Twitter πŸ™‚ …)

    (P.P.S. Your comment feature hates me. Or, if not that, then I’ve just commented about sixty times, and now you hate me! Hah!)


    November 13, 2008 at 12:44 AM

  18. Hey Jade! Thanks for a-following, I’m glad you liked the post. Also, my comment feature hates everyone; blame Blogger. I like your comments!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    November 13, 2008 at 1:00 AM

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