Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Must Have All Limbs

with 20 comments








Photo: I hope your name doesn’t start with this letter.


I’m highlighting my favorite parts of this Craigslist personal ad. Yes, it’s 3:43 A.M. and I am HIGHLIGHTING CRAIGSLIST PERSONAL ADS. YOU have to go to work in the morning, but the only thing on my To Do list is ‘barely wake up’; ‘imitate breathing’ should be near the top of that list, too. I guess on the bright side for all you workin’ folk is that YOU get a paycheck, and I eat generic Top Ramen every day. Sometimes with water, even, when the power’s turned on.

So for late-night entertainment, I turn to the Best Of Craigslist, and not porn like the rest of you men. But with so many GODAWFUL CRAIGSLIST ADS out there, it’s hard to choose which one to start bagging on first. Tonight, however, I hit the jackpot. Observe the fabulousness:

I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don’t get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.

I’ve done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I’m not Jewish and don’t care about Israel). Don’t get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he’s out there. My standards are exacting, but they’re not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! If you’re this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.

-non smoker

-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions

-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction

-must not be opposed to wicker furniture

-must be 420 friendly

-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary

-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad

-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser

-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas

-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys

-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B.

-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense

-owning a car is a plus, but it can’t be a hatchback (some standards)

-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.

-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert

-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town

-must have read complete works of Jane Austen

-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF

-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access

-must agree to watch “The Hills” on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind

-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification

-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you’re an Ebay power seller too!

-NO FELONS!!!

-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)

-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours

-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS

-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we’re on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.

I know the guy for me is out there. I’ve come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart.


***************************************************************************

Think of this ad as a guidebook to MY heart. The baedeker to my bosom, the enchiridion to my essence–or the atlas to my aorta! I could go on. But it’s crazy early and I must find a warm body to stick my cold feet on before the warm body goes to work.

I doubt this ad is real, but still–I laughed. Hard. Because if it was authentic… that would mean there’s a woman in this world who loves Scrabulous, hates Colorado microbrews and corduroy, can’t burn vanilla-scented candles, dated a quadriplegic, and possibly had a stroke, right before she wrote this Craigslist ad. I saw a lot of dealbreakers in this, but I’d have to say my Number One No-No has to be the wicker furniture. If I want to feel cradled in the squeaky, hard, uncomfortable embrace of a cheap-ass tree, I’ll climb into one–but I will not shell out $200 for the same thing at Pier One that’s been painted some white guy’s version of an ‘ethnic’ color, ie; the colors of Africa. WICKER IS WRONG. And I’m saying ‘wicker is not okay’ in the same tone I might say ‘white pants after Labor Day is not okay’ or ‘killing this prostitute tonight was not okay’. If you support wicker, let me know–we might need to talk about your future.

The Convo blog has been updated!

[RADWORDS]: WICKER, MICROBREWS, JEWS, CORDUROY, PIER ONE.

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Written by sn0tteh

October 24, 2008 at 10:38 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

20 Responses

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  1. wait… either I’m missing the irony or she said she doesn’t want someone who likes wicker… of course it is almost 8 o’clock in Germany and I’m drunk…

    everyone needs standards but seriously? A person with too many prob has issues of their own. My standards:

    * don’t be addicted to intravenous drugs

    * don’t be a fatphobic

    * don’t try to change me

    * weigh less than I do, unless you’re a foot taller.

    the end.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    October 24, 2008 at 5:43 PM

  2. Oh.My.Lord. Where do these people come from??

    For starters, what guy in their right mind has read the complete works of Jane Austen?! I haven’t even read that stuff!

    Plus, I HATE when the toilet paper goes over!!

    Chick is crazy.

    I do love me some facebook scrabulous though…

    And I hate wicker furniture too. I sit on one when I go in for therapy and all I think about during the session, “Argh, my butt hurts!!” I think it’s all a clever ploy to screw with our minds.

    Dorkys R.

    October 24, 2008 at 5:51 PM

  3. WTF! LOL!

    Timo and I were on there once lookin thru the hookup ads and a guy posted…it’s midnight and I dont have jizz on my face…seriously?

    Marko

    October 24, 2008 at 6:55 PM

  4. “Must not be opposed to wicker” and yes, you’re drunk. πŸ™‚ I like your list, konichiwa. Thank God the Esq is a good 13 feet taller than me, otherwise we wouldn’t make the ‘don’t weigh less than I do’ cut!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 24, 2008 at 7:57 PM

  5. Dorkys, I know plenty of men (1) who have read the complete works of Jane Austen. I should have said “I know plenty of MAN who…” but whatever. There’s at least ONE out there.

    I hate wicker HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE IT.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 24, 2008 at 7:59 PM

  6. Not that I saw the movie, but her list makes the command that a future partner “Must Love Dogs” seem pretty impotent.

    Oh, and are you sure this woman doesn’t live in your building? (Downstairs?) I think it is a possibility…

    Manthony

    October 24, 2008 at 11:30 PM

  7. Well then I am not inviting you to my Golden Girls replica house when I make it.

    Buttercup

    October 25, 2008 at 12:10 AM

  8. Manthony, you are in so. much. trouble. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 25, 2008 at 1:46 AM

  9. I’m in trouble?!?!?! I didn’t mean anyone on the 2nd floor!

    Manthony

    October 25, 2008 at 3:09 AM

  10. I support the [original, not Nic Cage remake] WICKER MAN, does that count?

    This, of course, is why I don’t respond positively when friends suggest I try the online dating.
    Then I wonder why my friends think I have a rabbit, and wonder why they want it to end up cooked in on the stove by a psycho like this (potentially false, but eerily just as potentially not-false) craigslister.

    Also: have not ever read Jane Austen. Sorry, ladies.

    matt

    October 25, 2008 at 3:55 AM

  11. Manthony, I read it out loud while Michelle was there. She said she was gonna punch your lights out!!!

    J/K But I did defend you. I knew you were talking about Cory. *LOL*

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 25, 2008 at 4:41 AM

  12. Matt, did you see the post on my convo blog? I even NAMED the damn thing “Wicker Man”. Spooky.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 25, 2008 at 4:42 AM

  13. Well I thought it was pretty obvious I meant the lady with the sheet in her window! Besides, even if she doesn’t like wicker, Michelle doesn’t seem at all like the type of person to use it as a dealbreaker.

    Manthony

    October 25, 2008 at 10:14 PM

  14. LOL of course! I knew it was Ellen, but it sounded funny. And looked weird to Michelle. Who probably doesn’t hold wicker against people.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 25, 2008 at 10:27 PM

  15. I love how we’re using the comment section on your blog to have a conversation. (And it isn’t like we didn’t speak by phone, email and text message yesterday.)

    I don’t want it to end! Nooooooo!

    Manthony

    October 26, 2008 at 1:02 AM

  16. I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!?!
    I only saw the Esq/Snot convo AFTER I posted here, and what did I think?
    I thought: My, that Justin is a smart young man.

    matt

    October 26, 2008 at 2:41 AM

  17. MANTHONY, IT WILL NEVER END AS LONG AS BEN BERNANKE NEEDS YOUR TEETH.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 26, 2008 at 7:40 AM

  18. Matt: he’s the smartest.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 26, 2008 at 7:41 AM

  19. Look at the gem I found on Craigslist right before reading this. http://seattle.craigslist.org/skc/bik/893288037.html

    Wtf?

    fox

    October 26, 2008 at 10:47 PM

  20. WTF, INDEED. Weeeeeeird. I couldn’t look at it for more than 4 minutes.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 27, 2008 at 2:48 PM


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