Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

A Pumpkin-Perfect Day

with 8 comments


Sarabear and I embarked on a girls-only adventure yesterday that I have fondly come to think of as ‘Operation: Cheer the Fuck Up’. I daresay we were successful, so here is the recipe for cheering the fuck up, if you ever feel you need it:

Drink Market Spice Tea to get warm with a good pal. Put on thick fuzzy socks, pack a camera. Get attacked at the front door with puppy kisses from your sweetheart; this is the best way to leave home.

Head somewhere with great vegetarian food; this will make you will feel artificially healthy while you’re scarfing down a grilled cheese-and-avocad
o sandwich the size of your face. Drink something warm. Sit by a cute boy or girl and make eye contact; try convincing your friend to go and talk with them. Make a giggly scene.

Stock up on overpriced, unnecessary supplies at Whole Foods, like chocolate chip cookies. Follow a woman around the store who looks like Princess Leia. Leave. Make sure you have the right attitude.

Drive into the bowels of Hell Redmond listening to these artists: Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Jill Scott, Hot Chip, Justin Timberlake, Waldeck, Wax Tailor. Don’t listen to more than one JT song, but listen to all the Stevie and Aretha you want. Dance in the car. Laugh about girl stuff. Yell and/or plead with other drivers who can’t hear you. Make sure you tell them you’re in a hurry, because that always helps. Keep checking the time–you might not make it.

Get slightly lost. Call significant other too many times for help. Drive past a business called ‘The H Store’, and wonder what could possibly be inside; hope for ‘hermaphrodite’ or ‘heresy’, because purchasing ‘heresy’ would be pretty dope.

Arrive at the U-Pick pumpkin patch. Marvel at the pumpkins: orange! red! yellow! pink! blue! Marvel at the children: each one more adorable and whiny than the last. Marvel at the stench: it’s like a rotting compost, an elephant pit, and a Honeybucket all rolled into one. Watch your shoes: the ground is like walking on soft stool. No joke. Sometimes leaping is involved.

Take a thousand pictures. Pose in the pumpkin patch. Mention how a pumpkin patch is a lot like a graveyard, a graveyard for pumpkins that are awaiting execution. Take a picture of a family picking out a victim together; they won’t get away with this. Wander around aimlessly. Take more pictures. Hear yourself, adults, and children say I WANT A WHITE ONE over and over again, and snicker every time; ask yourself how many times an adoption agency has heard this phrase. Much like an adoption agency, though, the white pumpkins are pricey, and not very pure. Except this one:


Buy small, funky-shaped gourds for your loved ones. Wave at the people on the hay ride. Push annoying children out of your path. Pay for your bounty and walk past the dead green bean maze; wonder aloud why someone would take the trouble to make a green bean maze, much less walk through it after all the plants have died.

Enjoy the setting sun–but feel the autumn chill. Wish for a plate of homemade cookies to be waiting in the car. Walk back to the car and search for cookies in vain. Take a few goofy Myspace-type pictures. Roll out. As you’re leaving, make sure two bizarre, goat-related things happen on your way home.

Sara: “Is that a goat up on a pedestal?”
Snotty: “Yep.”

Driving behind a car on the freeway:

Sara: “There is a fucking GOAT in the back of that car.”
Snotty: “What?”

It’s good to have friends and Fall and pumpkins and goats upon pedestals; I couldn’t bear a life without them. For more pumpkin pics, check out the Photo Blog.


[RADWORDS]: PUMPKINS, WHITE BABIES, HERMAPHRODITES, GOATS, PRINCESS LEIA

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Written by sn0tteh

October 20, 2008 at 5:54 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

8 Responses

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  1. “Hear yourself, adults, and children say I WANT A WHITE ONE over and over again, and snicker every time; ask yourself how many times an adoption agency has heard this phrase. Much like an adoption agency, though, the white pumpkins are pricey, and not very pure.”

    Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

    …sigh…

    WenigGluckliches

    October 20, 2008 at 9:40 PM

  2. Indeed.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 20, 2008 at 10:59 PM

  3. Are you saying that I’m not very pure? ‘Cause you know I’m like 25/32 white! (Varying shades of white, but who cares? This is America!)

    Manthony

    October 21, 2008 at 5:42 AM

  4. Yes, because this is all about you. (What kind of math is that? You’re 25/32 white? Am I hallucinating?)

    I prefer to think of you as “American-colored”.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 21, 2008 at 3:16 PM

  5. I KNEW it was all about me!!! Yeah, I’m 7/32 Karuk, so that leaves the other 25/32 as Euro-mutt. It wasn’t just my poor math skills. I’ve got proof! A family tree from my tribe!

    And my parents didn’t use an adoption agency anyhow. They knew they were getting a slightly red baby from the get go. I guess it isn’t ALL about me. Maybe.

    Manthony

    October 21, 2008 at 4:45 PM

  6. Thank you for making me laugh like every day! Your laugh makes me laugh and picturing you and Sarah Rose walk through the patch with the thoughts passing through makes an excellent comic strip which of course…makes me laugh and smile. Are we carving it up next week or what? and celebrating our 4months?!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Michelle B

    October 21, 2008 at 9:29 PM

  7. Girl, we are CARVING IT UP next week, and yeah we’d better be celebrating four months of no smoking… if I could, I would celebrate every day.

    OMG I was laughing SO HARD in the hallway the other day–Justin is so frickin funny, dude. “Inspired by
    Batya”… aren’t we all?

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 22, 2008 at 6:17 PM

  8. Yes, the “inspired by Batya” comment was perfect, and I could only imagine what my impression would be of the good ol’ Heatherfield if I were to look up and see the shrine prior to renting:)

    P.S. You inspired me to go to a pumpkin patch for the first time in my life too! I hope you don’t mind, but I decided to actually start enjoying writing my blog, so I used you as a mentor for a place to start:) I’ll e-mail the link to ya!

    Michelle B

    October 24, 2008 at 6:56 AM


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