Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The King of Brobdingnag

with 10 comments

The month of October is a good one for music, apparently. Last Saturday, a group of us hit the Mates of State and Santogold show, which was very good. I’m not a big Mates of State fan, but they were interesting – more ‘indie’ than I’d imagined. Santogold, however, exceeded my expectations. I didn’t know if she could represent in real life–she has an edge to her voice that toes the ‘whiny’ line sometimes (think Gwen Stefani meets M.I.A.), but her show was pretty cool. Her back-up dancers, though, were outstanding; they made me re-think all of my priorities (maybe I could be a back-up dancer, too!), but since I only have the one priority – my daily quest for bacon – I didn’t have much to re-think. New priority as of today: find more priorities, ones that don’t include pork, and maybe get a job. Plus, the dancers had shiny-gold, billowing M.C. Hammer shirts that took me back, WAY WAY BACK, back to a day when I was too legit to quit.

Last night we took Whoreleen to The Presets/Cut Copy show for her birthday, and a rocking good time was had. I have to say, I’d been waiting for this Cut Copy show forever, but it was the opening band, The Presets, who showed up and delivered the most memorable performance. All of their songs have this driving beat that makes you want to shake some ass and throw out a hip; they’re dark, fun, energetic, locomotive. The first song kicked off the dance party vibe, and that feeling never fizzled out. The Presets sound a bit like The Killers, but more gay, if you can imagine anything gayer than The Killers. Sum 41, maybe. Toby Keith, for sure.

Other feelings that stayed with us throughout the night:

BURNING RESENTMENT, mostly at the embarrassingly drunk Russian whore dancing on top of us the entire night. I’m very aware of the Russian Sex Kitten “stereotype,” but since I’ve never met a Russian woman who has ever broken that stereotype, I’m just going to say she was your typical female Russki. Add to that fourteen gallons of alcohol and her faux self-confidence, and you have this: a Marilyn Monroe-wannabe doing upright lap dances on the four men around us, testing out her wobbly burlesque moves in between buckling and falling into us repeatedly. Watching her dance was like being trapped in a Nagel print, or like DYING, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. As much as I enjoy hookers and alcoholics and badly-executed lap dances (OH GOD HOW I LOVE THEM) this mail-order bride was one sexy dance away from getting her teeth knocked out by my incredibly-patient Fist of Rage.

EYE-ROLLING DISBELIEF at the TWELVE-FOOT TALL JACKASS WHO STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. After securing our spot in the center, about four rows back, and standing there for an hour, along comes Douchey McDoucherton who plants his tree trunk of a body right in front of us, completely blocking the stage from Whoreleen. Normally, I’m okay with looking around the person in question, because everything gets shifted when you’re dancing, but NOTHING was getting around this dude, not light or sound or hopes or dreams. As Whoreleen said, ‘Can’t he just take one for the team and always stand in the back at shows?’ You can’t choose your ancestry or genetics – he can’t do much about descending from a line of Jolly Green Giants – but being a total asshole is a choice. And standing directly in front of a short girl when you are Brobdingnagian is a dick move. Too bad about your face and your height and your whore of a Russian girlfriend, but next time, be a gentleman.

UNFUNNY IRONY at running into the people we’ve been avoiding. Happens every time. It happened to Whoreleen and also to me: the exact second you think, ‘I hope ****** isn’t here,’ they show up with an entourage, looking smug and thin and adorable. I wish there was a better way to deal with this scenario, but I felt our solution – joining the Witness Protection Program and moving to Mexico – was the most mature solution we could come up with at the time. I wonder when my knee-jerk reactions will rise above a junior high level, if ever. Sometimes I’m actually amazed that I’m in my thirties, because usually my attitude is something like Eeyore meets Mr. Grumpy.

The Cut Copy show was awesome, but we were so tired (translation: old, old, and old) that we ended up sitting down for the show; between her cramps and my tired feet and his worn-out back (they are both UNDER 30, by the way), the three of us were quite the ball of youthful energy. Cut Copy started out the show very mellow, but it ended in a gay man’s dancing paradise, crazy light show and all; the light shows for both performances were sweet, although I wonder how many Vietnam vets were traumatized by it. I’m excited for the Fujiya & Miyagi show coming up at Neumo’s on the 28th – if anyone is interested in tagging along, get a ticket! The more, the better, and hopefully that giant walking telephone pole won’t be there.

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Written by sn0tteh

October 9, 2008 at 4:16 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

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10 Responses

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  1. You’re so forgiving for making my age a “-something.”

    We HAVE to get together again soon!

    bc

    FreNeTic

    October 9, 2008 at 7:30 PM

  2. I gotta be honest: your actual age was in there, but then I thought IF I WAS HIS AGE, WOULD I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW?

    And sorry, the answer was no. So I took it out. Luckily, you look ten years younger and act ten years younger than THAT. πŸ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 9, 2008 at 7:47 PM

  3. Paragraph 1: Mmm… bacon.
    Paragraph 2: Wow. That really IS gay.
    Paragraph 3: Is the Russian girl the hyperactive torn-tshirt girl in the video? Because that WOULD be really annoying. Nagel????!
    Paragraph 4: Yes, douchebaggian. I’ve had a week of douchebags, and everybody’s excuse for them is the poor economy. Lame excuse, man, totally lame.
    Paragraph 5: Tessa?
    Paragraph 6: Take solace that I am even older than you. It will be worse. Soon (haha).
    Paragraph 7: Is Whoreleen milking this birthday thing a little?

    matt

    October 9, 2008 at 11:11 PM

  4. Are you a natural wealth of information? Or do you have a good notion of what you want to say, do a bunch of research until you come across brilliance (Brobdingnag) and then integrate it into your posts?

    I hate any girl who can wear an oversized torn tshirt and still look fuckable. I want to squash her.

    WenigGluckliches

    October 10, 2008 at 2:51 PM

  5. Matt: you gotta get out of the house, buddy. Paragraph 5: word. Paragraph 7: nah, we just didn’t figure out her bday present until a week after her bday πŸ™‚

    Wen: I’ve used the word Brobdingnagian before, in the AberEagleApparel blog (July)–the Esq introduced me to the term a long time ago (I never saw Gulliver’s Travels, but now I want to–that’s where it hails from) and it’s hard to work into a paragraph, believe me. But I figured twice in one year would be okay. πŸ™‚

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 10, 2008 at 3:26 PM

  6. Wen: I was also weirdly compelled to like the girl in the video, even though she was 60 lbs too light for me and wasn’t all that pretty. But… attractive somehow. I think it was the editing. The more I watch the video, the more I like it. I also think it’s funny that the two guys remind me of Perez Hilton and Mr. Bean.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 10, 2008 at 3:31 PM

  7. on Russian adult women: it’s true. Even the family women wear heels with sweats. I was at Sea-Tac airport once behind a 50-year-old Russian mom who was dressed to the Soviet nines. YOU’RE ABOUT BE ON A PLANE FOR 16 HOURS. Who wears heels for a transatlantic flight?

    on freakishly tall people, like myself: I have weird etiquette standards at shows–I’m tall, so if I want to stand up front I get there early. I try never to stand in front of anyone more than three inches shorter than me, but also, I don’t support waiting until the place is packed and then shoving your way past all the good souls who thought they were getting there early enough to get a good spot.

    on your blog: it still rocks.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    October 10, 2008 at 4:29 PM

  8. I had to watch the video again. They DO look like Perez and Mr. Bean! Bwahahaha!!

    So, you’re a wealth of information attached to a vast wealth of information. That’s so handy.

    WenigGluckliches

    October 13, 2008 at 3:34 PM

  9. Konichiwa: YES! SWEATS AND HEELS. That should be the title for some Russian grandmother’s blog, for God’s sake.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 13, 2008 at 3:48 PM

  10. Thank goodness i had you guys to protect me from all the douchebaggery flying around that place. I'm pretty sure that drunk russian ladies ass was trying to eat my face. I was scared for our lives.

    And the giant, yes the evil giant trying to ruin the show with his big fat head. But wait, i seem to remember there being more than one of those!??

    the price you pay to see a really good show with really phenomenal people. SO worth it.

    ❀ ❀

    Sara Rose

    October 16, 2008 at 11:26 PM


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