Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

I Have a (Cake) Dream

with 11 comments

Photo: Great wedding cake.

So I woke up the other morning and decided I was going to be a baker of cakes. Wedding cakes, to be exact. This kind of split-second decision-making isn’t new to me–one day I woke up and wanted to go to beauty school, so I went; same thing with becoming a parent, vegetarian, lesbian, librarian, Buddhist, event planner, college student, wife, ex-wife, blogger, and country music lover. I just woke up one day and thought, this is the direction I’m going in. Didn’t always pan out, but sometimes it did. I don’t claim country music as my genre, because New Country music is crap, pure and simple–if any of you want to defend Toby Keith or Taylor Swift to me, then I suggest you and your inbred clan prepare for a verbal Armageddon from Yours Truly, and MAN UP, Waco-style. You probably believe in The End Days, though, and are already prepared; thank heavens you have a wealth of Christian-driven country drivel to remind you of the end of the world. That’s what I always look for in a song: a twangy reminder of my inevitable demise. But while I was actively hating New Country music, I discovered my undying love for the old school stuff: Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Patsy Cline, Conway Twitty, Beryl Harrell, The Aaron Sisters, Tanya Tucker, Red Thompson… oldies but goodies. So loving country music wasn’t a total wash: I came away from the experience thinking it was positive. That’s how I imagine this cake thing going. The difference being, I can’t mess around with this one because I’m committed to at least one–possibly two–wedding cakes in 2010, ALREADY. This on top of the flowers I’m doing for Colleen’s wedding and the nails I’ll be doing for another bridal party of six–I’m like a full-service wedding planner, AND THAT’S NOT EVEN WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING. You’d never know it, though.

Now that I think about it, there’s very little a wedding coordinator does that I can’t do… except work every single weekend for the rest of my life. No, thanks. I just like helping out my friends by being creative and control freak-ish. I can’t imagine what my own wedding will be like getting married again. I told the Esq the other day that I want a wedding ceremony that is the equivalent to ripping a Band-Aid off. Also, he should have people standing by the door in case I bolt. He just laughed. He laughed, knowing his girlfriend equates commitment with barely-healed skin wounds and has a possible wedding exit strategy in mind. And then I got a hug. That’s love, or maybe it’s stupidity; I’ve never had one without the other, really.

I know how to make a good cake. I know how to make a wedding cake, even, at least the bare bones–I’ve even done a crumb-coat, if that means anything to anyone. I know how to work with fondant and marzipan and buttercream and royal icing, but haven’t used any of that knowledge in a thousand million years. First I need a mixer, then I need some tools, THEN the product, and after that comes time, money, and energy (although I like to think substitute ‘energy’ with ‘meth’–same thing). Thankfully, Christmas is right around the corner; I wonder if the Esq wants a Kitchen-Aid mixer for his birthday in November…. I feel like the answer is ‘yes’, but that might be wishful thinking.

Kitchen-Aid makes their mixers in so many colors, but I’ve never really connected with one (I’m the girl who buys the car or computer based on how cheerful the color palette is–EEEE APPLE COMPUTERS AND VW BUGS COME IN ORANGE EEEE). Finally–FINALLY–they made one in a retro, light mint green, and yes I shrieked when I saw it. Damn that Mrs. Cook, she always has the coolest cooking stuff. The Esq led me away, gently, while I babbled on and on about how pretty it was and how it was $100 off and how I NEEDED it, DIDN’T HE SEE HOW MUCH I NEEDED IT, I DON’T CARE ABOUT FOOD OR RENT OR THE CLOTHES ON MY BACK. I was the addict and that mixer was the fix; I should have stolen it. Is a mixer something one should go to jail for? No. But a Kitchen-Aid mixer? That’s a tough call.

So anyways, once I’m set in the tool department, I will have approximately 18 months to pull off a wedding cake learning extravaganza. I will also need some feedback, so any of you Seattle peeps with stomachs of steel are welcome to be my tasty little tasters. As Jenny said last night, “I’m really honest.” I need people like that: cake-loving followers of truthiness. People who know that the Truth, the Way, and the Light all end in cake and cake with a side of cake. I think that cake makes the world go ’round (along with money and the Chinese), so I look forward to making it my new best friend. I love you, cake.

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Written by sn0tteh

October 8, 2008 at 5:29 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

11 Responses

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  1. HEY! I remember that event planning minute

    Kiki

    October 8, 2008 at 7:22 PM

  2. I like to think of it as two minutes, Kyle. And also: aren’t I doing some of that with these weddings?

    I keep trying to get a hold of Jamie (we’re FB friends) so she can turn my website into crack for the masses.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 8, 2008 at 7:40 PM

  3. i will tell it like it is girl, you know it. i can’t wait to taste some cake. yum. great seeing you last night, it was devine as always—jenny

    Anonymous

    October 8, 2008 at 10:38 PM

  4. Before I even read this post, I have to tell you that the title made me immediately think of this:

    And no, I am not a Westlife fan!

    Manthony

    October 8, 2008 at 11:50 PM

  5. Now my “real” comment is: Have you ever WORN a crumb coat?

    Manthony

    October 8, 2008 at 11:53 PM

  6. just found your blog. will be at bigfoot this weekend.

    giyen

    October 9, 2008 at 3:58 AM

  7. Manthony, I’m not wealthy enough to afford a crumb coat, sadly.

    Giyen, welcome–this weekend should be interesting! Looking forward to meeting you.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 9, 2008 at 7:55 AM

  8. NOW I understand what that text was about.
    No, all you need is a hand-held electric mixer ($19.99), but the kitchen aid makes it a lot easier(alas, $199.99 and up).

    I got my superdeluxe Kitchen Aid after I finally stopped badgering pH for one (2.5 years). I don’t care what kind of dirty things he had to do TO the guy at Williams-Sonoma to get it…

    LilRed

    October 9, 2008 at 7:05 PM

  9. But…BUT I WANT THE MIXER. I guess I can go hand-held until Christmas, actually. That’s not a bad idea.

    Of course, now I’m like, A KITCHEN-AID MIXER IS TOO EASY, I WANT AN INDUSTRIAL-SIZED ONE. You know, the kind I can nap in.

    You’re going to get a lot of questions over the next six months, I’m warning you and Mom in advance.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 9, 2008 at 7:30 PM

  10. My kitchen-aid came from Craig’s List. (I did some research and discovered some of the older models are actually better than the new ones.)
    When my friend went to pick it up for me (she lives in Issaquah, where the mixer was) she discovered she was the same size as the seller and bought all the coats the woman had on Craig’s List.
    This mixer has good karma, I tell you.
    K

    Karen G. Anderson

    October 13, 2008 at 6:43 PM

  11. I will be checking out Craig’s List for mixers! Thanks so much for the tip. 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 13, 2008 at 6:51 PM


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