Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Native to Seattle

with 6 comments

Did you hear the big news? The Seattle Supersonics are leaving town. You know, the Sonics? It’s a basketball team in Seattle, and they’re moving Somewhere In The Middle of our country, to one of those states that can barely support themselves, let alone an entire professional sports team. I care for the Sonics about as much as I do vegans, which is to say I don’t.

To me, basketball is an exhausting sport: tiring to play, tiring to watch. My neck is not a fan. When I was younger, basketball had more of an appeal to me, mostly because 1) I played it, and 2) the good-looking guys. My love of sports was enhanced by the athlete celebrities who had nothing but unrequited love for me – Michael Jordan, Kobe, Shaq. What would they have wanted from an underage, chain-smoking, Certified Sandwich Artist in 1996? Nothing, that’s what. Maybe a footlong meatball sub, but that’s about it.

The reason I bring it up is because I love Sherman Alexie. You know, the guy who wrote ‘Smoke Signals’, and all of those other Native American tales of angst and triumph and real life and reservation life. He’s a brilliant comedian, an even more amazing writer, and I totally love him. That’s unrequited, too.

Because the Sonics are leaving – for the flat and uninteresting Red State of Okiecoma – The Stranger (our local ‘independent newspaper’) allowed Sherman Alexie to write a Sonics Death Watch column, being an ex-ball player and the biggest fan in Washington. Without boring you to death, Sherman Alexie is a crazy basketball fan, like boy-band reunion tour crazy. I enjoyed the column as he is hilarious and heartfelt, but thought it too short to have any impact on our community. I always wished for a Big Ol’ Feature written by him; something I could add to my shrine, in lieu of a DNA sample.

And just like that, it was done. While I was dying at work, ignoring my home, resentfully parenting, losing money, freaking out, and floating in and out of oblivion, MY WISHES WERE BEING GRANTED. How’s that for good karma? The last time I attempted this, I prayed for a pink pony – but received my little brother instead. I learned about ‘irony’ and ‘atheism’ at a very young age.

The article is about how he testified at the Sonics’ trial, for reasons I didn’t quite understand or care about; it is funny, filled with curse words, and written in long-list form, which are the Top Three Reasons you should read this article.

So thank you to The Stranger, the Sonics (soon-to be: the Oklahoma City Bombers), and Mr. Sherman Alexie, for writing one of the only Stranger features I’ve ever laughed aloud at in a coffee shop. I read it multiple times, wishing I’d written the damn thing, although I did resent him for being in print and getting to say the F-word about 28 times. I never get to have any fun.

61 Things I Learned During the Sonics Trial

Sample: #15. In writing, thinking, and talking about the Sonics’ possible relocation to Oklahoma City, I shuffle like an iPod through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and Hall & Oates.

Read it.


Written by sn0tteh

August 3, 2008 at 11:55 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

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6 Responses

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  1. That was totally worth the twenty minutes I just spent on it. It’s not that I’m such a slow reader, I just had to stop and catch my breath and wipe the tears away occasionally.


    August 5, 2008 at 1:48 PM

  2. I know, right? He’s my hero. I aspire to make lists like Sherman Alexie.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    August 5, 2008 at 3:04 PM

  3. The spirit of the buffalo runs deep in Sherman Alexie’s lists. (I’m a card-carrying native so I’m allowed to say things like that without it being politically incorrect.)


    August 6, 2008 at 7:28 AM

  4. The Sonics leaving Seattle reminds me of a few events during my formative years that changed my life, which I felt were tragic and unwarranted but out of my control, which has given me a complex now. Anytime something good happens to me, I wait for it to be whisked away.

    1. Shawn Kemp leaving the Sonics
    2. Alex Rodriguez leaving the Mariners
    3. Soundgarden breaking up
    4. Rage Against the Machine breaking up
    5. The formation of Audioslave
    6. The building of a stadium the people voted down three times
    7. September 11, 2001
    8. George W. stealing a SECOND election
    9. The smoking ban, which took effect while I was living in Canada and was informed about on the telephone as if a relative had died

    I fucking love the Sonics, pissy losers that they are. The stages of grief will be worse than when I wouldn’t believe my mom for a year that Santa didn’t exist. I may need therapy.

    konichiwa, bitches.

    August 6, 2008 at 9:09 PM

  5. For me, learning that Shawn Kemp had fathered 800 babies and was driving a Honda Civic (or whatever the details were) would be on that list. The formation of Audioslave wouldn’t, but I understand.

    I loved having a basketball team, but feel like I was waiting for them to become actual winners before committing to them; I waited a long ass time.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    August 6, 2008 at 10:54 PM

  6. Have you ever seen our Shawn Kemp shrine? We have a signed poster, 2 signed rookie cards, and 2 signed basketballs. Isn’t that just amazing?


    May 7, 2010 at 12:52 PM

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