Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Spoiler Alert: X-Files

with 9 comments

Photo: Spoiled like a rotten egg.

I was given the No Cursing challenge by a “friend” of mine, and my first response was, “Have we MET?” To Snotty, swearing is like a basic human need; it’s an essential, life-sustaining function akin to breathing, or eating cheese. Also, said I, wasn’t my last post curse-free? I only said ‘bitches’ twice, and that’s not even considered a curse word anymore; I can be bitchy, own a bitch, and bitch about others, but that’s vanilla compared to what I could be saying. I’m sitting on phrases that y’all have never seen, just waiting for the right moment to unleash them upon your unsuspecting retinas. Something to look forward to, I guess.

This ‘challenge’ is inconvenient because this post is about the X-Files movie I saw this weekend, and I need an arsenal of curse words to describe it. After the movie, one of my girlfriends likened it to wanting someone for a long time, and finally sleeping with him, only to find out he sucks in bed. Or worse. Let’s say you’re stuck on the island from Lost; you’re there for years, flirting with The Hottie (Sawyer) and the Sub-Hottie (Jack). The sexual tension is so palpable you’re delirious with it, imagining forbidden trysts in the forest with both of them. Sawyer chops wood in front of you, giving you that slow grin of his, sweat dripping down his face, winking one sexy blue eye; Jack creates tender moments with you, protecting you–always doling out the brotherly hugs and meaningful stares. You’re attracted to both of them, but nothing happens for TEN LONG YEARS. This kind of game sustains you, keeps you going–you may not ever get home or see your family again, but at least these two major hotties want you bad. Your hardest decision is figuring out which one to attack first, although you briefly wonder if they’d be down with double-teaming you. You decide that Jack is a long-term relationship waiting to happen, and you want to nurture the feelings you have for one another; Sawyer is more of a one night stand kind of guy, so you head to his waterfront island hut first.

Now imagine walking in on them having sex. With each other. Your reaction–extreme disappointment, bottomless despair, rolling panic and thoughts of suicide–is the same exact reaction I had to the X-Files movie; that’s how bad it was.

There were no aliens, no conspiracy, no sexual tension between Mulder and Scully; there were no old characters from the X-Files, except for Skinner in the last nanosecond of the movie, and nothing paranormal about it. Well, that’s not true. It was about 2% Paranormal and 98% Uncomfortable. The major themes of the movie–pedophiles, priests, pedophilic priests, experimental surgeries (on animals and humans), bloody hacked-off body parts, Russians, and a political ad for stem-cell research–were all CREEPY CREEPY CREEPY, and made no sense at all. I mean, pedophiles are SO FIVE YEARS AGO, especially the Catholic variety. Hasn’t this theme been done to death in the media already?

It didn’t help that Mulder looked like a shabby mountain man the entire time, and Scully looked a little piqued. They supposedly ‘break up’ in the movie, but since there’s no time between their break-up and their reconciliation–about 8 seconds–and the reconciliation isn’t shown (there’s no “I miss you” or “Let’s give it another go”, just an assumed, meaningful silence), it seems unnecessary to have them split up to begin with. I was also not happy to see them in bed together, looking like chaste, giggly siblings at a sleepover. I was thinking, is this a sex scene or a slumber party? Turns out it was the only scene that established their relationship status, since the End Scene smooch felt like a detached, forced kiss I would give my ex-husband. The dialogue was hideous (“Let’s go away, just the two of us.” “Away from the darkness?” “The darkness will alway find you.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Oops, the challenge has been lost), and the plot was absurd; we left the theater, and couldn’t figure out how THE ENTIRE MOVIE centered around a gay man trying to save his previously-molested lover who doesn’t have a BODY. It was god awful.

Dear Chris Carter,

I WANTED TO BELIEVE, but you made it impossible. Now I just believe you’re a hack who was in it for the money. Instead of seeing your movie, I could’ve had a V-8, re-organized my sock drawer, or stabbed myself repeatedly in the eye with a vegetable peeler. Anything would have been better than sitting through what felt like five hours of you phoning it in. The truth is out there? The truth is you suck.

Sincerely,

Snotty

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Written by sn0tteh

July 29, 2008 at 2:49 PM

Posted in x-files

9 Responses

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  1. Oh, tears of laughter. I am so glad I saw that movie with you, even if I wasted 1 hr and 44 minutes of my life to do it.

    LilRed

    July 29, 2008 at 5:51 PM

  2. I am so glad you bought my ticket, so I only wasted TIME and not money, too!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 29, 2008 at 5:57 PM

  3. i can’t imagine an x-files movie without aliens! not even a jar-jar? not even an extra-terestrial bacterial strain? It doesn’t sound like it has netflix merit, even.

    though i know i won’t be able to resist. i’ll try and find a campiness in it.

    FreNeTic

    July 29, 2008 at 6:02 PM

  4. Oh, you HAVE to check this out:
    http://muldersbigadventure.com/

    LilRed

    July 29, 2008 at 6:35 PM

  5. I actually said to my mother, “Don’t bother renting it.” How sad is THAT? You will not find the campy–you will only find yourself wondering why you didn’t listen to my sage advice to begin with.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 29, 2008 at 6:46 PM

  6. Your retelling obviously had more thought put into it than the actual screenplay was given. I’m actually sad that the movie sucked so bad, but glad that I got to see it while you not so quietly made hurumphing sounds next to me. -Auticia

    Anonymous

    July 29, 2008 at 7:48 PM

  7. Also the ‘mortified’ sounds when they were in bed together. I felt like I was watching my grandparents and Ron Jeremy having a threesome. That’s how uncomfortable I was.

    That being said, I’m glad you were there to hear my harrumphing.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 29, 2008 at 7:52 PM

  8. oh, & lilred – thanks for the blog recommendation. THAT is a labor of love, and hilarious…

    FreNeTic

    July 30, 2008 at 5:28 AM

  9. Isn’t that blog hilarious? I really liked their other labor of love, Big Big Question–I added them to the list of my favorites.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 30, 2008 at 2:50 PM


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