Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

Freedom From Tyranny, or Whatever

with 6 comments

A sure sign of independence.

Fourth of July was awesome, which is even more awesome, because I tend to think of the Fourth as an amateur throwaway holiday. Singed faces, missing fingers, scorch marks upon the earth; afterward, it’s like an agitated dragon has visited each and every neighborhood, leaving behind burnt evidence of his wrath and confusion. Last year was the first really fun Independence Day I’ve had, hanging with my girlfriends on a kickass houseboat. The Esq took Joshy up north, where they blew shit up and became men, or whatever guys do on the Fourth of July.

Despite all of the fun this year, the holiday itself remains a mystery to me, because no one actually celebrates our nation’s independence – they’re celebrating a national holiday that includes binge drinking and fireworks. The resolution to our independence was actually approved in Congress on July 2nd and publicized on July 4th, but nobody cares; I’ll bet America cares. If it was your birthday and everyone decided to celebrate your birth two days later, every single year, you would care, too. I also equate the Fourth of July to the Fifth of May; Cinco de Mayo is an amateur drinking holiday that Americans celebrate whether they know a Mexican or not, and the Fourth of July is celebrated every year with tons of booze and very little knowledge of the United States even though we all live here. This is our history, people! The day we became independent from the British did not include hot dogs and public drunkenness; it was not about getting an even tan, or buying dangerous explosives for toddlers from a dwindling tribe of Indians. No one even knows what Independence Day is about, which is why I’m providing this link for you: Freedom isn’t free! Click on the link and be saved. I had a client once, a younger woman, who summed it all up for me in just two sentences: “I’m, like, gonna go and, like, celebrate Independence Day with margaritas in the park? Oh my God, and I love that Will Smith movie, Independence Day.” Margaritas, the park, and Will Smith in the movie Independence Day (where he and Jeff Goldblum save us from the martians, not illegal aliens). This is what our nation’s independence has been reduced to.

Speaking of total ignorance, do you know the history behind Cinco de Mayo? It seems as though Americans aren’t very thoughtful when it comes to other cultures, SURPRISE. Most people think that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s Independence Day, much like ours. Celebrating their independence comes at a hefty price, though: four to eight margaritas. This is how we honor our neighbors to the South.

“We’re celebrating *slurp* Mexico’s Independence Day!” “Oh my God, where’s my camera?! *slurp* We need a picture of you in that authentic Mexican hat-thingy!” “Mexican chicks are hot, dude. *slurp* Remember Anna? She was half-Mexican.” “Woo-hoo, Mexico! *slurp* You are now free!”

I think Americans like to think that they personally freed the Mexicans from slavery – or tyranny, which sounds a lot cooler. Americans also seem to believe that for every watered-down margarita they have, a Mexican child will get their wings. It’s noble, really, all of this rampant alcoholism to save the children. Unfortunately, Mexico’s Independence Day is on September 16th; Cinco de Mayo is a throwaway holiday, even to the Mexicans.

This is what you’re celebrating on the Fifth of May: in 1861, Mexico – like an out-of-work older brother who always finds trouble – quit making interest payments on loans it had received earlier. In response, France (and other European countries) attacked in order to force payment of the debt incurred. On May 5, 1862, the French were defeated in the city of Puebla. This is what we as a country celebrate together at private parties, barbecues, picnics, and every bar imaginable, across the entire nation: Mexico being cheap assholes and dodging their creditors. When I successfully evade my creditors, no one gets drunk on my behalf, much less an entire country. I think it’s bizarre.

Also bizarre: fireworks, which will kill you. Those stupid M80’s sound like a pirate ship has landed in your backyard, Roman candles have a ‘Saving Private Ryan’-type screech about them, and sparklers are just glittery, anorexic harbingers of doom (I know a girl who could be described like this). I don’t know how everyone can be so cavalier about death, every single year; I like my fingers, and I’m attached to my face, even if I don’t exactly like it. While everyone was tempting Fate, I was hiding behind our car in the driveway. Eventually, though, I saw Joshy holding a Roman candle and shooting off fireworks like Shaft, or Neo in The Matrix. I thought to myself, fireworks are dangerous, but a gun made of fireworks… THAT’S a good idea. The Esq hooked me up with one, and it was pretty dope. I felt like Harry Potter, as though magic were shooting out of my fingertips; Josh and I kept yelling ‘Expecto Patronum!’, which is only funny if you’re Harry Potter nerds like us. I did it twice so we could get photographic proof of my firework badassery, and I still lived. But, as the Esq noted, I’m very pet-like in my fear of fireworks; I’ll need a whole year to recover.


Written by sn0tteh

July 7, 2008 at 1:34 PM

Posted in 4th of July

6 Responses

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  1. The 4th of July has nothing to do with the birth of our country. It has to do with the birth of ME. Duh. Until stupid Brian Freese in the 1st grade spoiled it for me, I thought the fireworks were FOR me because my grandpa told me that. I threw a kick ball right in his face when he told me and called him a liar.


    July 7, 2008 at 8:17 PM

  2. When i hear “the 4th of July” all i can picture is Tom Cruise pissing, shitting and puking himself in a hospital bed.

    Where he belongs.


    July 8, 2008 at 5:24 AM

  3. That was an EPIC post! I’m shocked to hear that our forefathers didn’t enjoy a weenie roast right after signing the Declaration of Independence. Are you sure? Do you have proof? Can you back up your claims?

    And I love the new meaning of the term “sparkler.”


    July 8, 2008 at 4:29 PM

  4. Dude, Wikipedia’s word is bond.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 8, 2008 at 6:24 PM

  5. Um, excuse me. I’ll use any damned excuse to drink, I thank you. What kind of red blooded American are you anyway? So unpatriotic…disparaging the 5th of May! I love Tequila til you puke day!

    Erin the Pat-riot

    July 11, 2008 at 8:33 AM

  6. “Tequila til you puke day”… yep, that really says it all. Whenever I miss a bill payment, I do tequila shots, too; the entire country does.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    July 11, 2008 at 2:44 PM

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