Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Poofters in My Life

with 2 comments

Photo: The Almighty Esquire.

My honey walks into the kitchen, lifts an arm and a leg, and quickly farts. Why are all men like this? What is WRONG with you people?

Me: That’s how Hitler farted.
Esq: That’s how The Karate Kid farted.
Me: *LOL*
Esq: You remember The Crane?
Me: Yes, I remember it.
Esq: *does The Crane*
Me: What would Mr. Miyagi do?
Esq: (slowly waves a hand in front of his face) Fart without farting. That is the true way.

To me, farting is like making your hand into a gun, and fake-shooting someone, only to have bullets come screaming out of your bloodied fingertips; it’s unnatural. Satisfying, maybe–but annoying, just the same. AND YOU GUYS LOVE IT. My dad used to say, “farting is as natural as eating chocolate cake”, which makes sense, because he consumed a lot of chocolate cake (probably to balance out all of the gas he was passing). I’ve seen my son receive awards, my boyfriend kill in court, my brother back from 3 months of vacation, my cousin get promotions, my dad during his favorite concert and my son’s diabetes-riddled father consume his favorite sugary treat. But none of them have ever looked so content–so pleased with themselves–than when they were sitting in their own airy excrement. Guys are so weird.


Written by sn0tteh

May 14, 2008 at 8:51 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

2 Responses

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  1. Come on, I can’t believe the Greyhound station episode didn’t get an honorable mention?
    xo Princess Lilred

    Princess LilRed

    May 15, 2008 at 6:33 PM

  2. Well. I thought, as a LADY and a brand new MOTHER–as a ROLE MODEL to your new daughter, as a ROLE MODEL to women EVERYWHERE–that you would want to put your public, gaseous past BEHIND YOU (no pun intended). Plus, it still freaks me out. Whenever I think about that horrific time, I feel like I never knew you to begin with. *LOL*

    Snotty McSnotterson

    May 15, 2008 at 11:04 PM

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