Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

A Snotty Interview

with 4 comments

Positive things I can say about my interview today:

I was interviewed by nice people.

I wasn’t drunk or on crystal meth.

I remembered to turn my cell phone off.

I laughed at other people’s jokes, funny or not.

I wore clothes and they were laundered.

I suppressed the ‘donkey-punch witch-cackle’ I’m prone to making while nervous.

I did not mention how I hope robots will take over the world someday.

I did not mention that I’d read the Bridges of Madison County and cried, like 20 years ago.

I answered the ‘Where do you see yourself in ___ years?’ without saying Your Mom’s House.

I did not cry.  Correction:  I did not cry in front of my interviewers.

I did not poop on the table.

I refrained from saying these words:  Hitler, retarded, and mangina.

Negative things I can say about my interview today:

It was raining.

A meteor did not fall out of the sky, striking the building we were in, therefore ending the interview early.

I did happen to say, ‘That’s what she said,’ (in context!) and ‘What wouldn’t Jesus do?’ I’m assuming the answer to that is question is:  hire me.

My official line is that I delightfully bombed my interview.  I’m usually really confident when it comes to interviewing, but the stars just didn’t align for me. I was really nervous, for a number of reasons, so I couldn’t stop sweating like a coked-up jittery pig, and I rushed my answers before thinking about them. I was asked a lot of questions that were similar to each other, which to me meant that I wasn’t being articulate enough, and the more I tried to simplify my answers, the further down the rabbit hole I went. I also couldn’t find the word FUNNY to save my fucking life, unless it was to use the phrase “In my former life, I used to be funny, NO REALLY.”

I just wasn’t totally comfortable until the end, when I realized they were all cool and I could have been having a better time with it. It was also interesting (code word for:  su-huuuuucked) that the interview was led by a former sometime-client of mine at Julep – my favorite place to hate – and that our connection there was Sean Nelson – my favorite person to scorn.  Two great signs.  It’s like I can’t fully get away from Julep – or Sean Nelson, for that matter.  Those two deserve each other.

Today I need to shake off my present failures and go back to the drawing board. Thanks to everyone who sent me job leads today (total count: 5) WHILE I WAS AT MY JOB INTERVIEW.  Apparently I was the only one who went into the meeting with confidence, which is something I left behind along with a pound of vomit and a puddle of urine. I hope they have an experienced janitor on staff.

Que serra and all that. The adventure continues:  Craigslist, ho!


4 Responses

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  1. It’s like you’re putting a hex on your hopes. Now you’re a shoe-in.


    May 13, 2008 at 10:07 PM

  2. I have no hopes. *sobs*

    Snotty McSnotterson

    May 14, 2008 at 2:16 AM

  3. Blame it on the rain.


    May 14, 2008 at 3:47 PM

  4. Or the mushrooms!

    Snotty McSnotterson

    May 14, 2008 at 5:38 PM

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