Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

To Whom This Concerns

with 6 comments

Very angry letters.

Very angry letters.

Angry half-letters I will never send:

Dear Metabolism,

Is there a problem? In the grand scheme of things, you work for me; and yet ‘work’ is something you rarely do. You claim you can’t process complex carbohydrates? Well I say HORSESHIT.

Dear Dog Who Keeps Pissing on Our Lawn,

While I enjoy things that are white–furniture, albums, pride, my boyfriend–you are a mangy, off-white disaster and I hate you. The world–nay, the neighborhood we live in is filled with green, sweeping lawns and well-tended gardens; go regularly piss in their yards. They won’t even notice.

Dear Upcoming Job Interview,

If you even think about asking me where I’m going to be in five years, I will probably say YOUR MOM’S HOUSE . 20 years ago I wanted to be a princess; 15 years ago I wanted to be an opera singer; 10 years ago I wanted to be a manicurist; five years ago I wanted to be an interior designer; this year I want to be an author. My prediction of where I’ll be in five years falls into one of two camps: shark tamer or drag king. Because anything is possible . And that’s why this is the dumbest interview question ever. Don’t even go there.

Dear People Who Wear Really-Really-Really White Pants,

What gives? Is this a cult? Do your women not have periods? Do you know Tom Cruise? You’re simultaneously blinding me and begging me to throw a Costco-sized Ragu jar at you. Who cares if I miss? It’ll splatter in your direction, and that’s really all that counts.

Dear Coldplay Song That I Am Resentfully Listening To,

I GET IT: you’re catchy and British. But all of your songs sound the same, and you’re married to Gwyneth Paltrow; with my schedule, it’s hard to commit to resenting you more. I’m going to try, though. I’m going to give it my all.


Written by sn0tteh

May 6, 2008 at 12:48 AM

Posted in angry letters

6 Responses

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  1. I could see you being a good lion tamer in five years. Or a really rad elevator operator.


    May 6, 2008 at 1:50 AM

  2. You need to add stand-up comic to your list of things you need to be. I was just reading these outloud to Jon and we were totally cracking up. I nearly peed when I got to The Coldplay one. Funny lady!

    Michelle Auer

    May 6, 2008 at 2:08 AM

  3. You guys are so sweet! But seriously–that dog is going DOWN.

    Snotty McSnotterson

    May 6, 2008 at 8:24 AM

  4. I’ve asked the 5-year question before, and I don’t even know what the answer is or what I’m looking for in an applicant’s response!

    I think it’s there to eat up time and show we care. When really, we made up our mind in the first 3 minutes of the interview.


    May 6, 2008 at 3:37 PM

  5. i completely spit out my water laughing at the “while i enjoy things that are white (…pride…).

    so sick, so wrong. so funny.

    love this blog. thank you for hitting me up on myspace. glad i found your blog.

    madhouse 6

    May 24, 2008 at 5:52 AM

  6. I’m glad you found me, too, madhouse! 🙂

    Snotty McSnotterson

    October 16, 2008 at 6:26 AM

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