Marika Malaea

faithful marauder + fake royal

The Gourmet Writer Within

with 2 comments

Photo: I’m a toddler.

Three Random Thoughts:

I woke up this morning and thought, why do I feel so German? I felt like a lumpy house frau. I even thought like a house frau today–I couldn’t stop thinking about proper mopping techniques. Now I’m wandering around without pants, like a toddler. Fuzzy socks, check; undies, t-shirt…check-check. And yet I’m still cold. Quite the mystery. Once I find some big-girl pull-up pants, I’ll be ready to go out into the world and make a difference.

It also occurred to me that to maintain a sunny disposition in a state like Washington, one must have sunny weather to act as a catalyst. What’s the point in having a positive attitude if the weather never reflects it? That’s why I’ve decided to adopt a morose disposition; the carpet should always match the curtains (and the hand towels in the bathroom). The color themes that best describe my life this week are nice, when modeled on 80-year old librarians and accounting interns from Nebraska. I need more color in my life, and it will begin with the hair and the handbags. Then, in this order: shoes, lip color, jewelery, undergarments, bedding, clothing, wall color, and boyfriend. I don’t know where I’m going to find a colored boyfriend, though. It’s not like we live in Chicago.

Last but not least: Whenever we go to Whole Foods (aka: Snotty’s Official Happy Place), I order this kickass sandwich called The Alki; it’s made of grilled chicken-and-brie on focaccia, and it’s amazing. Like any upscale natural foods grocer, Whole Foods has other delectable “stations”, too, that sell made-to-order food you could have made at home for half the cost. I usually buy from those sweet-smelling, visually stunning stations, as I am the exact consumer those heavenly high-end food stalls are targeting. What I find embarrassing is when the other grocery stores–namely the QFC we go to in Ravenna–try their hands at being gourmet and upscale, too. I was perusing the case of pre-made “fancy” food and realized that from far away, this food looks normal and almost appetizing; but up close, it’s downright frightening. The strangely named “Cranberry Walnut Celebration” was sitting right next to the “Gourmet Tuna Pecan Wrap”, but I could tell they weren’t really friends. If adding the words ‘celebration’ or ‘gourmet’ enhances a recipe or gets you ahead in the world, then I am a gourmet writer and a celebratory lay. Hire me immediately.

Besides, I always preferred the word ‘surprise’ in my recipes; it’s like setting people up on a blind date with your food.


Written by sn0tteh

March 26, 2008 at 11:35 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

2 Responses

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  1. it’s fucking cold out. whatever. also, since we are kind of on the sunject, if i hear one more ignorant ass tool say “huh huh what happened to global warming HUUUHHH?!” i am likely to punch them directly in the wiener.


    March 28, 2008 at 2:20 AM

  2. Oh my. Just because you are pairing tuna with pecans in an unusual way does not immediately make something “gourmet.” And I have personally never found the combination of cranberries and walnuts to be worth celebrating. I really wish the Whole Foods on Denny wasn’t so inconsistent. Or maybe it is a good thing, because it means I stay the hell out of there which saves a few (hundred) bucks (a week).


    March 28, 2008 at 11:33 PM

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