Marika Malaea

As Facebook suggested, I looked up my first name on Urban Dictionary for some rousing self-definitions. These are my favorites:

Marika

1. Bestest person like ever.

2. One of the most unfortunate looking girls you’ll ever meet.

3. The Mexican Leprechaun queen of the watercress fields of Pearlridge. Likes to use her magically delicious lucky charms to lure drunken old saggy smelly hairy men into her grass hut where she rapes them to death and then uses their bodies to feed her pet mutant chickens.

4. A slut that likes to do things with your boyfriend behind your back. A flat chested person with a really weird smile.

I read these and instantly thought, ‘Wow! They really know me!’ Before this, I was an undefined person, drifting in a sea of uncertainty. But now I’m a rape-happy Mexican Leprechaun royal with a passion for mutant chicken farming. Who are you?