Marika Malaea

Card received.

Message says:

Happy Birthday! Hope 33 turns out better for you than it did for Jesus.

My other BFF, Auticia Gonzales – Part-Time Countess, Leader of the Yucutan Peninsula and Bartez of Syracuse, Doo-Wop Girl, Crazy Person Extraordinaire & Strong Black Woman – knows how to sign a birthday card. (She’s small and white, but no less extraordinary. I’ve been told she levitates, and communicates with trees and forest animals. I once saw her create the perfect layer cake, pretty in pastels and perfect in every way, and write HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!!!! in a flawless frosted font. She had asshole friends (us) who made her sit on pedophile Santa’s lap for our annual Christmas photos at Westlake Center, year after year – but in my defense, a big girl needs to take advantage any time being bigger is rewarded. Because how often does that happen?  They don’t thank you in a canoe, and only the Japanese are impressed by skilled hot dog eaters. I guess it’s helpful if you’re crushing grapes with your feet or drowning someone in the river, but whatever; I know if my plane goes down in the Andes with my starving soccer team, they’ll eat me first to survive. Sometimes, though, it works out – and that ‘sometimes’ was always Christmas with my best friend; worked out for me, not so much for her. Case in point:  do you weigh the same as a reindeer? Move to the back and take a crappy photo. Are you adorable and petite? Get fondled by Santa and go to therapy. Point being, I love Auticia’s molested little self to pieces.)

She and I have a lot in common:  we’re the same type of snob, we’re passionate about books, we both love language, and we support each other well – as evidenced by one of our last text messages:

Aut: I miss you! I’m all crazy and could use a witty quip from you to put everything in some funny perspective. xoxo

Me: Kill yourself.

Me: …love you chica. Hope you get less crazy. Miss you bunches, whoreface.

Aut: Thanks, you cum-guzzling queen. Phew, I feel much better.

Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better. You’re a pithy wordsmith, wench, and I thank thee for the card.

Love,

The Alleged Queen of Everything, Self-Appointed Supreme Ruler of the Universe, Mariah Carey Impersonator, Fucked-Up Bitch Extraordinaire & Fake Ass Polynesian.