Marika Malaea

Motivation.

Oren: (close to tears) Why do I have to go to this funeral with Daddy? I don’t even know anyone.
Me: I know. But sometimes in life, we have to do stuff that isn’t always fun.
Oren: But I DON’T. WANT. TO GO.
Me: I understand. I wouldn’t want to, either. You don’t know anyone, funerals are sad and boring, you don’t even know the dude who died… I get it. This isn’t something you want to do, and truthfully, I wouldn’t want to, either. But you still have to go.
Oren: But why?! IT’S NOT FAIR.
Me: Look, I’m supposed to tell you some cliché like ‘family is important’ or guilt you into feeling like it’s necessary, but it’s just a boring life thing that all of us had to do at one point – your parents say jump, and sometimes you actually have to jump. Besides, there’s a more compelling reason to participate in this, if you can keep your eye on the prize.
Oren: Oh yeah, like what?
Me: When you have family obligations, just remember that those are the people who will send you money when you graduate from high school. So ham it up a bit. Make them like you to the tune of $100 or more.
Oren: That much?
Me: Only if you get really good grades and go to a good university.
Oren: What about middle school?
Me: No, you do not get money for graduating from middle school.
Oren: Why not?
Me: Focus, Oren. There’s bigger money to be made, farther down the road.
Oren: (sarcastically) Yeah, with good grades.
Me: You already have good grades – hey, it’s better than being a crackhead.
Oren: You always say that.
Me: I always mean it.
Oren: I don’t think I’ll be a crackhead.
Me: Good, because we can’t afford rehab.
Oren: If you tried to make me go to rehab, I’d say NO, just like Amy Winehouse.
Me: Dude… what?
Oren: (nods) Daddy says she’ll be dead within a year.
Me: Why are you guys talking about this shit? It’s weird.
Oren: He was saying I shouldn’t do heroin.
Me: Well, guess we can check heroin and crack off the list. What’s next?
Oren: What’s a roofie?
Me: You only need to know that information if you plan on being a serial killer or a frat boy. Do you plan on being a serial killer or a frat boy, Oren?
Oren: No.
Me: Check that off the list, too. Jesus H. Christ, we’re good fucking parents.

I will never be a Lifetime Movie Network parent, of that I am sure.